If There's Something Strange in Your Toilet, Who You Gonna Call? Beowulf!

Time for a story, kids! It's been many, many months since our last Toilet Tale, so we decided to overcompensate by illustrating the epic-est, darnedest, bloodiest, kick-arse-est tale we could think of - Beowulf! Not many people know the man was actually a plumber from south London.

Some manuscript or other at some library

 Hwæt!

The brave Danish warriors of Heorot are annoyed.
There's a gurgling noise coming from the toilet;
it's that fiendish monster, Grendel, lurking in the deep.
As long as he stays in the toilet, though, they don't really mind.
It's when Grendel crawls out of the sewer
in the middle of the night and rips off all the mixer-taps that the warriors have had enough!
King Hrothgar calls up his old mate Beowulf on the blower.

Beowulf turns up, all rippling muscle and bulging loincloth, and kills Grendel
WITH HIS BARE HANDS. (Yeah, ladies, it is pretty hot in here.)
Everyone's proper impressed, and the bard plays, like, an ode on his instrument.
Beowulf's all, "Oi, you ain't seen nuffink yet!"

Queen Wealhtheow, delighted to finally have the plumbing working again, calls for a toast.

Unfortunately, Grendel's mother is pretty pissed off by the unprovoked murder of her son,
and turns up at the door, screamin' and shoutin' like a bleedin' fishwife.
After a moment's bashful hesitation, Beowulf kills her, too.
Lucky he brought his extra big plunger for the job.

The years pass. Beowulf becomes king of Geatland. He gets old.
A sewer dragon causes causes a blockage, leading to odour problems, so Beowulf kills that, too.
Unfortunately, he catches cholera caused by poor drainage, and dies. But heroically. So heroically.

Beowulf's widow is shocked to find out the man was a bit of a bigamist.
The citizens of Geatland greatly enjoy the scandal, the ghouls.

swá begnornodon    Géata léode		thus bemourned    the people of the Geats
hláfordes hryre,     heorðgenéatas:		their lord's fall,    his hearth-companions:
cwaédon þæt hé waére     wyruldcyning		they said that he was,      of all kings of the world,
manna mildust    ond monðwaérust		the most generous of men,    and the most gracious,
léodum líðost    ond lofgeornost.		the most protective of his people,    and the most eager for honour.

(Read an alternative version of the story here.)

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