Friday, 14 March 2014

Rampant Titillation - Basically, a Real-Life Epistolary Novel!

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. It seems there is simply no limit to how communicative our friends can get. We've been publishing a fair amount of Intellectual friend's musings on life, the universe, and toilet doors - always gratefully received due to their unrestrained intelligence, wit, and keen understanding of all things toilet-related - recently, and what do you know? Semi-Intellectual Friend has just dispatched a massive missive about wedding toilets!

We've been busy as, well, beavers, lately and, due to a combination of a rather solid workload and an increasingly severe obsession with Richard Armitage, we have found it a challenge to maintain our usually rigid blogging standards. Hampered in our endeavour to provide our regular readers with the edification and amusement we know they eagerly crave, we've been scratching our metaphorical beards, hoping for a long email containing amusing photos, in order to be able to pass it off as original material and save ourselves time. Well, sometimes, apparently, prayers are answered.

For layout reasons we're interspersing Semi-Intellectual Friend's drunken toilet photos in the text,
even though they're not explained till quite a bit further down.
That's a pretty weird urinal, huh?

In fact, dear readers, you are in luck. The above-mentioned solid workload and Richard Armitage obsession render us, as we have mentioned, permanently pressed for time. We simply cannot be arsed editing Semi-Intellectual Friend's message, meaning that we are going to just reproduce it as it appeared in our inbox. And, what's more, you get our replies as well! This is, basically, an epistolary novel - right up there with Les Liaisons Dangereuses and Lady Susan!

Semi-Intellectual Friend: I have photographs for the Counsel team. I'll get them to you soon I promise. Important photos. Probably life-changing. 
The Privy Counsellor: Look forward to the life-changing photos. Do they, by any chance, incorporate Richard Armitage? No worries if not, but it would be great if they did. 

No Richard Armitage in sight, alas.
There is, however, an encouraging - if empty - beer glass. 

Semi-Intellectual Friend: I do have a crapload of drunkenly-taken wedding toilet photos (is this actually one of the key genres of toilet photos these days?). To be honest, the toilets were pretty unremarkable – just your bog-standard two toilets and a bunch of urinals set-up (sorry, pun unintentional – though is it even a pun in this case?), but the choice of paper or cloth towel was a nice touch, as was the availability of hand moisturiser, which is a product that a nice lady who was trying to flog hand moisturiser down the mall told me off for never having used before. And I still haven't used any because real men have hands that are as cracked and tough as the floor of the Gobi if it was made from leather. 
Really, there are two reasons for a wee photo or two of these toilets (again, not on purpose): the very literally conceived toilet art (blurrily captured in the photos – they were classy sketches) and the super-weird urinals, which had a big step right in front of them. No-one really knew how to deal with that. To step up or pee from a distance? I think most of the users just saw it as a chance to show off and opted for distance, usually standing further back than was really necessary to demonstrate their range and power. I did have an entire conversation with a guy about the step while he was peeing, but as he was looking at me constantly while holding his penis in one of his hands I felt too uncomfortable to actually take in any of what he was saying. I think he was saying that they troubled him too. Anyway, nice toilets. 
Maybe you should set up a guest scoring system, separate from your own. But ridiculous, obviously, to ensure that all those who are not full members of the Privy Counsel are suitably belittled and aware of their low station. I'm not feeling very creative at the moment but, hmm, like, I award the above male water closet the score of Tesco's Finest 100% recycled toilet paper (possibly not a thing), though I know it probably read more like a Toilet Duck Fresh Gel Discs Lavender.

Toilet art.
That guy did have great technique. In fairness. 
And you really don't have to post what I said verbatim, if it ever goes on the site. Feel free to express what I said in your own inimitable style. And that second paragraph really wasn't part of the review, if you do put it on your website in any form. If it was, I would have spent more time thinking about a suitably shite scoring system. 
Irish toilet art.
The Privy Counsellor: ZOMG. That's amazing! Just what we need - as we've just said in the blog post we're writing, not very successfully due to getting distracted by photos of Richard Armitage, so to speak at the time of writing, our obsession with Richard Armitage renders us intellectually handicapped and differently abled to write blog posts that reach the stringent standards of intellectualism which the Privy Counsel, believe it or not, usually strives to uphold.
We've been praying for a long rambling Friend post with pictures and - GADZOOKS, EGAD - an alternative scoring system! The mind boggles! is this a new toilet-blog paradigm in the making?
Just one question: Where was the wedding? And yes, wedding toilets are totally a separate category, though we've never had Friend Toilet Photos before, so - GORBLIMEY - this is, like, totally revolutionary!!! 
Hang on, we think [Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend] just sent us more pictures of Richard Armitage...
Oh. It was a picture of Eoin McLove. *goes back to looking at Richard Armitage fan blogs* 
All good things come in threes?

Semi-Intellectual Friend: "I smell wee!" Timeless classic. 
The wedding was in Rathmullan House, a cunningly named hotel in Rathmullan, county Donegal. It was actually awesome. My uncle not only had the good sense and decency to make me one of his best men (a post I qualify for through interpersonal skills and latent Scrabble skills [well, I assume they're latent; not having played much Scrabble I'm not too sure, but I expect them to pop right out when the world finally gets up the confidence to challenge me to a game]), but he also hired out the entire hotel, which enabled everyone to get blind drunk in peace.

I fully expect your harnessing of the alternative scoring system to raise toilet-blogging to new heights, as a genre, pastime and formative new-world ideology.
The Privy Counsellor: Wedding sounds like it was really good, though we have a sneaking suspicion that you mentioned Scrabble just to annoy us.
Semi-Intellectual Friend: Re: Scrabble. I only do most things to annoy you. Even when you're not around (admittedly, almost always), I'm doing things like preferring hand dryers over recycled paper towels in the hopes that the negative impact of such an act will be chain-reactioned through all the atoms of our existence and push a small stone into your shoe when you're running, just at the exact moment your foot hits the ground (yeah! that was me). 
I'm such a fool. I can hear my friends in the next room having a discussion about how Luxembourg's toilet rolls are the best in the world and I'm in here trying to understand the semantics of the name Thor in Iceland, a subject I am totally unequipped to consider.

Apparently you can just flush them or something. They're exceptionally biodegradable.
Ireland: A place of eerie, haunting beauty.

As regular readers will know, wedding toilet pictures are totally a sub-genre. Check out ours here: Weddings.

Somehow we feel like we should end this mind-bogglingly excellent post with a festive video.

Festive video: Mitchell and Webb, Posh Dancing

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