On Ranting, and Wine

A good rant is like a good wine - it matures with time, and increases in strength and potency. (A rant is unlikely to make one drunk, however, making it inferior in that aspect to wine, though a combination of wine and ranting makes, in our experience, for a highly enjoyable evening.) We recently went on a rant about the insufficiency of Danish mixer taps. Let us therefore have some more ranting about Danish taps.

Look! Look how annoying this set-up is! Where is the single lever ensuring hygiene and ease of operation? one asks, shaking one's fist and squinting angrily.

This is very stylish, but is it hygienic?

After our recent visit to the excellent Hirschsprung museum in Copenhagen with our mum and our favourite aunt, we went to a charming restaurant called Zeleste, where we indulged, as far as we remember, in both wine and ranting. It was highly enjoyable, and we recommend it heartily to all and sundry.

Can't remember quite what happened here.
An interesting old-timey hatch of some kind manifested itself in the wall?

These toilet roll holders weren't covered, but the wine was so excellent we didn't care.

We ADORE black and white tiles!

We also adore this charming set-up of paper towels (though they are the environmentally-hostile bleached kind).

A charming door-handle!

In other news, a relative informs us that a nation's toilet-paper consumption can be used as an analytical tool for evaluating consumer confidence. Apparently, according to the Guardian, "the majority of toilet tissue sales in Germany during 2014 were of the economy type (the typically thinner, cheaper kind with no frills such as added softness)". We have long been enamoured with Germany and its toilet paper, and erupt into a cheerful tally-ho, Germany! (We have written several rants on the idiocy and environmental hostility of "luxury" toilet paper before - most of them are located under the Toilet Paper label on this blog.)

In more news, we received a lovely compliment from Welsh Gangster Friend, who said:
"I think of you every time I use a pub toilet." Aww.

In even more news, Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend sent us a message just now, saying:

An old drunk guy just gave me the finger inside Helsingborg's oldest church. 

Nice to know a middle finger works in any language!

Finally, Australian Friend sent us a greeting:

I have chanced upon a music video featuring a mixer tap!

Tally-ho!

Festive video, festively featuring a mixer tap - Huey Lewis and the News, I Want a New Drug


Related Reading
Our previous rant about the inefficacy of Danish mixer taps: The Hirschsprung Museum, or, Revising the Status of Denmark, or, Feverish Paranoia
Another post mentioning tiles: On the Tiles

Some of our classic toilet paper rants:
Toilet paper - A Pain in the Arse?
Going Soft: Yet Another Post About Toilet Paper
Toilet Paper - It's Time to HTFU!
HTFU - Wipe for Wildlife
Rocking, Rolling, Ranting

Enjoyable toilet paper trivia:
Some German Toilet Paper Trivia

Foul Play, Also Fowl Issues

It's been one of those days again. There has been a profusion of spiders, mansplaining, and general fuck-ups, tripping us up and cramping our (normally pretty damn edgy) style. The level of fucked-up-ness demonstrated by the world at large lately is excessive to the point of actual obscenity, and shows no sign of lessening no matter how much whisky we chuck at it. We are steeped to the gills in Weltschmerz and, as if all the other stuff wasn't enough, suffer from very painful and annoying blisters on our feet.

We had intended to delight and amuse you with some surprisingly clever pictures from Quasi-Intellectual Friend, who has briefly come out of the woodwork (or was it the asylum he came out of?) and sent us a batch of toilet photos, but can we find the damn things? Can we bollocks. We can't even get the massive, angry rant we had planned as back-up off our chest, due to a tiring technical cock-up.

In an effort to calm down and prevent ourselves from having a massive, collective apoplexy, we braved the onslaught of the enraged pheasant living in our archive (there is no sign of the dwarves - we don't know what happened to them) and dug out some festive pictures. "Well, strike us pink with a sheaf of medium-quality printer paper," we said to ourselves, while trying to shield our eyes from the pheasant's really rather sharp beak, "here are some pictures from that time when we went to Sir Toby's with Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend, and some other nice friends, to watch the rugby, and Wales won, or lost, or disappeared in an earthquake, or similar."

(Due to - you guessed it - yet another technical fuck-up, these pictures are arranged sideways. If you find this perspective invigorating, there are plenty more here, here, and here.)

We believe we intended this picture of toilet-door graffiti to illustrate a point,
possibly one to do with the fragile nature of human existence, or similar.
Possibly we had just drunk too much Guinness and lost our judgement.

As a friend of ours once said, on a memorable occasion,
"Rock'n'roll ain't dead, it's just been getting fucked in a ten-dollar bed".
No, we don't know what that means, either.

An unintentionally artistic picture.
The message here is a prosaic "this looks like a hygienic tile-and-toilet-roll-holder combo".

This picture illustrates our current, rather cornered, situation.

Do we remember seeing a yellow sink at another festive location?
We do indeed! Oh no, hang on, that was a yellow toilet.

We have said everything there is to say about air-dryers in a previous post called AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AIR-DRYERS!

Here, enjoy this view of a reasonably charming window. Here's another one, at the Red Lion in York.

Semi-Intellectual Friend has been singularly alert recently, and sent us an interesting word. The word is anatidaephobia.

Anatidaephobia. Look it up.
Image from i.chzbgr.com.

Semi-Intellectual Friend has also been making some rather feeble jokes about our supposedly fragile mental state. Semi-Intellectual Friend can, as he is well aware, shove said feeble jokes where the sun don't shine. However, Semi-Intellectual Friend also said, in a brief moment of lucidity - and we're going to make a bit of a thing about this quote here, because we thought it was rather profound - the following words:

Irony exists for a reason and that reason is to be slathered over everything spoken or written like grease on a fat man's belly when he's being thrown down a hill.

On that note, we ought really to have a festive video, oughtn't we?


Festive video - Ashton Shepherd, Look It Up

Related Reading

Other pubs we have been to through the years:

A pub we unwisely entered in the company of Quasi-Intellectual Friend: The Rook and Gaskill - Well, the Beer Is Good
A pub that saddened us: The Royal Oak - We Revisit A Dear Old Pub with New Toilets
A nice Danish pub we sweated profusely in last summer: Det Lille Apotek - Big Beers and Small Toilets in Everyone's Favourite Toilet Country
Oh, you know. Some stuff happened: An Annoyingly Long, But Brilliantly Clever, Post, Including Shewees, Beer, and Some Other Stuff
Reminiscing about happier times: De Consolatio Philosophiae

Sir Toby's Pub & Restaurang
Davidshallsgatan 21
211 45 Malmö
Sweden
http://www.sirtobys.se/

Les Conduites Dangereuses: For Once It's Not Just Us Ranting

My, my, have we and our Friends been busy! Our Friends especially have been active in the correspondence department, while we at Privy Counsel HQ have been perhaps more inclined to gently ruminate certain academic matters (as long as they are lurid and unpalatable, anyway), and perhaps also indulge in the odd moment of procrastination, periodically even distasteful heartiness. It is lucky for us, then, that our Friends are so alert, intelligent, and helpful. Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend (who is, needless to say, British by birth), on reading our last post, sent us the following comment:

Just read your new post and saw the link to the British workplace. You are so bang on about the mixer taps with only cold! I had obviously forgotten from blocking it out but WTF people, why do they bother if they only have cold water! This has happened so many times to me in shitty kitchens and shitty bathrooms in shitty British establishments! Have you seen the ones where there is a separate cold tap and a separate hot "nozzle" coming from a crappy little plastic (of course) boiler on the wall? Usually the boiler is turned off so you get two cold taps but sometimes the boiler is on and it causes first-degree burns! WTF people! Oh, and I was impressed with the sideways toilet but was disappointed to note it was the photo that was sideways and not some unusual seating arrangement.

The screaming bloody horror that is the handwashing facilities
at the average British workplace

Noting with approval that Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend has learned to profit from the usefulness of the word “WTF”, we of course immediately responded with a list of links to posts describing the horror of the very dangerous hot water contraptions of Britain. Obsessive Emmerdale Friend then helpfully responded in turn with comments on the individual toilets and their dangerous taps. Since said comments were a joy to read we will publish them here.

Link number 1
More Dark, Dark Horrors: An Outwardly Reputable Employer with a Dark and Filthy Secret

Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says:

Ooh, the first one is minging. [...] Btw, the British warning of "very hot water" and the lack of distinction between those diabolical contraptions is so, so true and reminds me of Britain (and why I left)! Oh, and the soap may be nice BUT as with most toilets, especially those bloody awful ones in the workplace, it's pretty much run out! There's NEVER enough soap! And no, people, filling the minutest dregs of liquid soap up with half a container worth of water does not count as soap worthy of washing one's hands! Oh yes, the peeling paint is also something I have experience of in many of England's toilets. I wish I was surprised.... 

Link 2
Safety at Work

Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says:

The second one, gah! So much promise only to fail to deliver! I especially enjoyed this: "Britons never, never, never shall be slaves, apparently, but they are slaves to impractical, dangerous and annoying plumbing." Made me laugh so much! [Cue editorial twinkle in the eye.] Those taps are so rubbish, aren't they! I recognise both the bathroom and kitchen ones (the bathroom ones are in many friends' current bathrooms and are so damn stiff and horrible to turn).

As an encouraging example of mixer-taps that actually do work, they are mostly found in disabled toilets. Our favourite one is the one at the King's Manor in York.

Link 3

Let's Get Medieval: King's Manor, York

Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says:

Anyhoo, bathroom number 3.... Oh yes, this is much better. I especially love the window and plant! I also appreciated the University of York-emblazoned hand dryer! And recognise, of course, the flu man in the warnings! Oh [Privy Counsel], you bring back such happy memories to me of dear old Blighty! But, as with most institutional toilets it's not great and could be far improved so I agree with the 7/15. But, all in all, it's a step in the right direction. I just wish the pot plant could have a better home with some warmer décor.

Another pretty good disabled toilet is the one at the military garrison in Catterick. (Although we subsequently admitted to getting carried away by our enthusiasm for the functioning tap and the STD poster, and giving it a higher rating than it deserved. Still, it was exciting going to Catterick. The best thing about it was the strapping young uniformed whippersnappers lining the way and constantly cheering and clapping for all the participants!)

Link 4
On the Eighth Day God Created Paratroopers, but He Forgot the Soap

Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says:

The fourth and final one, hmm, I can't be happy with it. The lack of soap and a bin is bad whatever the toilet is like. (Unless lined with velvet everywhere in which case MAYBE I could overlook it if I was in a particularly good mood.) Also, I love those “gear stick” flushes at portaloos! They're scary and exciting in equal measure! I always imagine pulling the lever and the whole portaloo starting up an engine and ascending into the skies with me still inside!

Overwhelmed by this profusion of helpful comments, we went into a Babylonic gratitude rant, making appreciative noises and noting that “it is so very seldom that we get any feedback on the points system - in fact, it's never happened before, except maybe once when Semi-Intellectual Friend gently satirized the whole scheme,” and intimating our resolution of basing an entire blog post on them. Obsessive Emmerdale friend replied:

Oh my god, does this mean I, Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend, have finally inspired a WHOLE POST? This is great news, although I am worried that I am now ranting about rubbish attempts at mixer taps! At this rate, I will be losing my British citizenship no doubt.

Does the story finally, at long last, end there? Of course it doesn't! We then browsed through some old posts and had a sudden epiphany: Even Uzbekistan can do it! Install mixer taps, that is. Read all about it here.

Sheer, unadulterated Uzbekistani joy

Incidentally, if you are not totally exhausted and wanting to end it all now, we may as well tell you that the Shetland Shithouses have arrived! (Regular readers of our Facebook and/or Twitter accounts will know this already; it pays to be sociable in media.) While you're waiting for this utterly thrilling development, you may wish to ponder some Orkney Outhouses. You will find this hard to believe, but they, too, contain dangerous taps!

Orkney: One hardly believes one's goggly eyes

You may also find this video, from one of our favourite posts ever, [insert adjective here. Suggestions: inspiring, horrifying, mindboggling].

Meanwhile, Australian Friend sent us tidings of Miley Cyrus. We are informed, yet not enlightened.

Related Reading
A Note on Desperate Measures
Are You British? Does Tap Sanity Elude You?
Let's Get Medieval: King's Manor, York
Mixer Taps - The Great Controversy, or, When Will Britain Enter the 21st Century?, or, You Are Not Alone!
More Dark, Dark Horrors: An Outwardly Reputable Employer with a Dark and Filthy Secret
More Uzbek Toilets
Oh! the horror! SCREAMING BLOODY HORROR HALLOWEEN SPECIAL: The British Workplace
On the Eighth Day God Created Paratroopers, But He Forgot the Soap
Right Up Our Alley
Safety at Work

Highlights from Our Correspondence

We are blessed with having many friends here at the Privy Counsel, and said friends every now and then dispatch exuberant missives to us, to our (and your) great delight and edification. Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend, for instance, sent us the article about the woman suffering from a fear toilet rolls, which we tweeted hilariously about from our extraordinarily informative and witty Twitter account. The same friend also sent us the amusing article about Swedish politicians ordering men to wee sitting down, citing, apart from reasons of hygiene and prostate health, the argument that this will lead to a better sex life. Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says, on this subject:

Hmm, but the thing is a lot of toilet seats in men's toilets you wouldn't want to sit down on (covered in wee, pubic hair and god knows what else!). Although Sweden's toilets are a LOT better than UK ones generally for this so maybe I can start a revolution. Really intrigued to see how it improves one's sex life! Prostate I can sort of believe but, unless you're having sex whilst peeing, I have no idea how this would be achieved!

And, on the topic of toilet roll phobia:

Digital Spy is what I use for all my Emmerdale gossip!!! The "odd news" section this article is in seems particularly addictive though - see the related article for the lady scared of uncovered toilet rolls! I thought of you!

[After we insisted on being a) not a lady, and b) not scared of uncovered toilet rolls, more wary:]

Yes, I meant not that you were like said lady but that you could probably identify with her on some level. I can see the Metro headline now: "[The Privy Counsel] troubled but NOT SCARED by uncovered toilet rolls!"

Bog rolls can be scary for many reasons.
Image from callprobest.com.

We have received similar communications from Semi-Intellectual Friend. It turns out that when it comes to toilets, Prince Charles... But it is almost too perverse to repeat. You'd better have a read yourselves, in this article from Wales Online.

The same, famously semi-intellectual, friend also sent us, in a fit of generosity we still haven't quite figured out how to handle the diplomatic repercussions of, a link to a video with most laudable sentiments about toilet roll. Watch from 20:33:

Festive video: Room 101 S13E08 HD

We couldn't agree more! Everyone knows there's a right way and a wrong way to hang toilet roll!

Related Reading

Previous Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend Posts

Previous Semi-Intellectual Friend Posts
More Royal Toilet News (We know you want it!)

Posts Related to OCD

Theme: "Unwanted Guests". Also, A Surprising Pin-Up!

Today's theme is, by popular request, "unwanted guests". As Obsessive Emmerdale Friend pointed out, having an unwanted visitor to one's toilet can be not just unpleasant but downright dangerous.

The first type of unwanted guest that sprang to our mind was the cockroach that we and Australian Friend shared a bathroom with in France. But perhaps we're being uncharitable. After all, what's the cockroach ever done to us? Apart from scaring the bejesus out of us in the middle of the night when we were still drunk and nearly causing us to have a collective apoplexy, the tender, softly-spoken little critter has always treated us with kindness and consideration.

Proving that Australian Friend seems to be connected in a very suspicious way to unwanted toilet beasts, the second unpleasant thing that occurred to us is the notorious toilet spider, so common in that very dangerous country, Australia. This fearsome creature will give you the heebie-jeebies at the very moment when you least want them, i.e. when you're trying to get on with your business.

Then of course there's Father Stone.





Father Ted's stony-faced heroism in the face (or arse) of an almost unbearably rough situation inspires, at least in our breast (we don't know about you), a glowing admiration bordering on hero-worship. Actually, Father Ted is rather attractive, isn't he? You're right. Let's make him a Privy Counsel Pin-Up!

Father Stone: An intrusive toilet-goer.
Father Ted: Kind of a babe!
Image from sakurakokitsa.

An eminently suitable Pin-Up: Ted knows how to charm the ladies.
Image from tedstees.com.

Related Reading
All spider- or insect-related posts:
Happy Birthday, Australian Friend!
Amie Australienne Va au Mariage, Casse Toilette (Australian Friend Goes to Wedding, Breaks Toilet)
We Receive a Postcard
A previous Father Ted-related post:
Well Done, Declan: Catholic Priests, Rabbits, and Toilets
All Previous Pin-Ups:
Gloat over the Pin-Ups Here

"Not As Much Use As a Toilet" - An Afternoon Off

Finally, an afternoon off! What to do, what to do? How about something fun! There's been some very intellectual content lately, what with all the archaeological finds, feminist musings and French vocab exercises, and so we thought we might take the afternoon off and have some pure, unadulterated fun! And what's funnier than Not the Nine o'Clock News? Well, blame it on our overworked, fell-off-the-chain-so-long-ago-we-can't-even-remember-what-it-was-like-being-on-it state if you will, but we can't think of anything. Funnier than Not the Nine o'Clock News, that is.  Hence, let us have - wait for it - an amusing video!

Festive video - Not the Nine O'Clock News, Not As Much Use As a Toilet

A friend who we might call, for want of a better pseudonym, Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend, recently lent us a couple of DVDs of Not..., and it has been most refreshing, as well as intellectually stimulating! A whole arsenal of hurrahs going off let, right and centre!

Let's have a funny picture as well! (In case of blockage.)

You can't have too much of a good thing! Well, that pretty much used up our entire stock of edifying and amusing reflections on toilets! Toodle-oo! (Or, as we like to say at Privy Counsel HQ, Toode-loo.)