Monday, 24 August 2015

In Which We Introduce the Concept of the Vulture of Doom

You know when you have a thousand things to do and it feels like there is a giant bird of prey hovering just above your head, clawing rudely at your ears and coughing up fur balls? We like to refer to this feeling as the Vulture of Doom. It is likely to follow us around, snapping its beak in a horrifying manner and exposing us to the kind of breath that makes pericoronitis appear, by comparison, like a field of lavender on a sunny afternoon. The Vulture of Doom cares not a jot if it is a high day or holiday, or an ordinary work day; neither does it discriminate between toilet blogging duties and other types of work, for instance the legitimate kind for which one gets paid. It tends to get more persistent when we have a large amount of toilet pictures lying around unsorted and unpublished. Sometimes, just to fuck with the Vulture of Doom, we will procrastinate wildly then sit back with a rum (or, by all means, whisky. We're not likely to turn down a whisky) and coke, and mentally taunt the flea-bitten old scavenger by NOT GIVING A FUCK.

However, we are diplomats by nature at the Privy Counsel, and we reckon life is easier when the Vulture of Doom isn't depositing fleas in our hair. Hence, let's have a look at this picture from Australian Friend

Feel free to share. 
You will note the brand new oak toilet seat; 
the Andrex quilts, rolling the correct way (from above);
the oil burner for minor indiscretions;
and the reading material (ELLE UK).
Also note the proximity to fresh air, supplied by that tree outside. 
I'm not partial to the tiling, but one can hardly re-tile a rental property. 

We love everything about this picture, not least the stripy shower curtain!

We are grateful to Australian Friend for supplying this charming view of her domestic arrangements.

As regular readers are aware, our friends are pretty notorious when it comes to sending us pictures from the world over. Nor do they stop at sending photos - they send videos, too! The one we are about to show you is from an intellectual friend of ours with whom we share a fair amount of witty and enjoyable banter online but who we will not necessarily recognise immediately when meeting in real life (what's real, anyway? As Australian Friend once said, memory might simply be an illusion, and we may have literally just been thrust into this existence seconds ago), and was captioned with the pithy comment "German. Obviously".

We are going to treat you, here, to the actual conversation that followed the sharing of this video:

Intellectual Online Friend: There's some kind of liquid coming out of the thing that sticks out over the seat. Possibly something antibacterial.
Privy Counsellor: Amazing.
Intellectual Online Friend: It is. I want one for work. Possibly one that also cleans the pee-stained floor.
Privy Counsellor: Yes! That's just what we were thinking! Although something that would be even better would be a contraption that gave people who piss on the floor electric shocks while they're doing it - that would teach 'em. 
(Read more thoughts on this matter here.)

Hurrrah for the self-cleaning German toilet!

The German toilet video is fascinating in many ways, but one thing it is not is musical. Hence we need a Festive Video. Because one third of women worldwide have experienced sexual or physical violence, mostly by an intimate partner; and because of all women killed in 2012, almost half were killed by intimate partners or family members, here is Miranda Lambert's Gunpowder and Lead.

Festive video - Miranda Lambert, Gunpowder and Lead

Related Reading
The right way to hang toilet roll: Rocking, Rolling, Ranting
How to deal with people who piss on the floor: (Don't) Aim for the Stars

1 comment:

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