Do you also get bored when cooped up with strange people you're related to, and nothing to do? What better way to start Christmas than with a dispute! One fruitful gateway into a lusty debate, we find, is to propose a frivolous alternative to something that people take very seriously. Hear us out.
Christmas is a time laden with traditions whose authenticity is continuously being contested. Since these traditions - whether they involve a literal belief in virgin birth or the correct way to make rice porridge on an induction cooker - have profound emotional significance, people are inclined to absolutely lose their marbles if their particular delusions should be questioned. Try, for instance, suggesting that the N'Sync version of O, Holy Night is better than the Jussi Björling one, or that vegan pickled herring is a serious culinary option for adults. As long as the subject is not one that you personally care about, you can happily pit your friends and relatives against one another and, in the heat and dust of the melée, or what Tolstoy would call "that smoke, those shining bayonets, that movement, and those sounds", grab the remote control.
If you can execute this strategy with even a moderate amount of skill, a restful time enjoying quality TV and eating the good pralines (everyone else will be too busy arguing, and throwing crockery, to care about the confectionery) is guaranteed. Beware, however: this method is fraught with danger. Most likely there are aspects of other people's interpretation of Christmas that you, Machiavellian strategist though you may be, find contentious - wrong, even. Thus an adroit - or even just reasonably perceptive - opponent can easily suck you into this game with the result that you find yourself, like Prince Andrei Bolkonsky, falling with the flagstaff in your hand on the Pratzen heights, bleeding profusely and unconsciously uttering a gentle, piteous and childlike moan. Good luck!
Whatever happens, we have a Christmas gift for you. Are you ready? It's A WET T-SHIRT PICTURE OF JONNY!
Ok no it isn't, strictly, a wet t-shirt picture of Jonny. But it's the nearest thing we could find - like a telescopic tree-like object made of plastic in China instead of a mighty Scots pine filling the house with its majestic scent, or the Ballycastle cream liqueur which tastes quite a lot like Bailey's. (By the way, you can make - if you're short on cash or sanity - your own Bailey's. It's fine. It tastes fine. However, the hangover lasts for 48 hours and it's not the pretty kind where you're just pale and interesting with a headache, it's the kind with chunks.) Anyway, long story short, Jonny writes:
Just been out to a park full of lights and got very wet
Thought these toilets would have a mirror so I could do a wet photo for the fans
They didn't but I got a #selfie
You're welcome.
 |
| We have written before about the absurd hipster insistence on installing sinks that resemble cattle troughs. This one however, a) is clearly not inspired by anything resembling hipster sentiments, and b) if it were, it would be in line with Christmas traditions and therefore fine. (Or would it? Here's your chance to hone your debating skills by bringing this up at Christmas lunch.) |
 |
| The abundance of urinals here is in line with the Oriental largesse of the Three Magi. (Or is it? Etc. Also, is the concept of the Three Kings racist? Have at it!) |
Jonny's literary rollercoaster continues:
They did have a tap on the wall though
Maybe just to hose the place down?
It stank of piss
And the toilet doors had gaps at the top and bottom which I hate
But I got to pee which I guess is the main aim.
 |
| What a very merry door! (Or is it in fact adverse to inclusion?) |
 |
| HO-HO-HO-HOLY NIGHT! |
Merry Christmas!
Since 'tis the season of the RS virus, whatever the hell that is, and will soon be the season of the norovirus, we would argue that the NHS Gangnam Style handwashing video is the most relevant video for what is sometimes termed the festive season.
Festive Video: NHS Northamptonshire, Handwashing Gangnam Style
Related Reading
All posts featuring Christmas
Our most recent post on Christmas: Scylla, Charybdis, and the Vagaries of Christmas
All posts featuring Jonny
Why do hipsters insist on installing sinks that resemble cattle troughs?
No comments:
Post a Comment