À la Recherche du Temps Perdu

Sometimes, we miss the nineties. At such times we recline pensively on our chaise-longue, stare wistfully out the window at the brick wall opposite, and feel an inescapable nostalgia for bootcut jeans, fax machines, and a time when Nazis were still considered bad guys.

Ah, the nineties. Remember Lauryn Hill's That Thing? Remember Ace of Base? Remember Indiana Jones? We would hate to be the age we were during the nineties again, and are supremely grateful for our current level of comparative maturity and relative wisdom, but some nineties phenomena, like the widely held stance that Hitler was insane and that a murderous government propagating a gibberish racist doctrine was about as welcome as herpes, are prone to make us feel ever so slightly maudlin after the third gin and tonic.

Let us enjoy some nostalgia-inducing toilets. We recently went to visit the church in Norra Åsum, in the south of Sweden, for perfectly sane and normal reasons. While there we snuck into the very hygienic toilet, and also enjoyed a casual runestone propped up against the wall.

Norra Åsums kyrka. Image from Wikipedia.

This stone insists that the very muscular Bishop Absalon had the church built, probably in the 1190s. The 1190s were, we imagine, like the 1990s, a time when the people were united in their conviction that psychos in uniform were, at best, comical, and, at worst, a threat to public safety.
Image from geshcichteskandinavien.de

We don't know about you, but we find this wallpaper - probably from the '80s, don't you think? - comforting. The soap is Bliw, one of our favourites (it is so very soothing - and environmentally friendly!). The functional and friendly mixer tap is everything that Nazis are not.

Paper towels, the very reassuring '80s wallpaper, and a comforting boiler of some kind.

Even more reassuring: a first-aid kit! And a sturdy coat-hook that makes us feel very safe indeed.

Our correspondent on this occasion was wearing a leather jacket from the late nineties. Woof!

This medieval grave monument is found in the porch of the church, on your right as you exit the toilet. It depicts two dudes, which is unusual on this kind of monument. We are unable to find any information about this, but if any of our rampantly intelligent readers know anything about it, you are hugely welcome to inform us, especially if you have information pertaining to the very stylish and woof-inducing codpieces.
While aware that one should not apply modern notions of sexuality onto the past, we are nonetheless imagining these two dudes to be rampantly homosexual, in the process of growing Village People-style handlebar moustaches, and spending their spare time pressing flowers while wearing glitter tank tops, just because we imagine that this vision of non-normative masculinity would make Nazi gobshites uncomfortable.

Today's Festive Video makes us truly nostalgic. It is from a time when you could joke about Nazis because the assumption was that everyone agreed they were evil. How things change. Fuck it. We're off to drink some more gin and maybe nibble a madeleine cake or four.

Festive Video - Father Ted, Father Ted visits Father Fitzpatrick

Related Reading

Another post featuring medieval stuff and a first-aid kit in the same area:
 An Antiquated Update

Posts about Nazis:

Nothing Is Certain But Death, Taxes, and Knees

If You Are a Medievalist in Your Mid- to Late Thirties, and/or Want to Save the World, This Is for You 

Rampant Murderous Nazis Are Taking Over the World, But Here Is a Picture of Jonny In a Toilet, for Your Convenience and Comfort

If You Are a Medievalist in Your Mid- to Late Thirties, and/or Want to Save the World, This Is for You

Does the world terrify you? If not, it probably should.

We like to think of ourselves as the Rebecca Solnit of toilet blogs. Rebecca Solnit, as everyone knows who follows her on social media, is a voice of reason and a source of light in a very dark, very desolate wilderness. Her social media accounts also function as rallying points for people who want to do something to defend the values they believe in, but aren't sure what.

When you find yourself overcome with despair at the state of the world, have a lie-down on the chaise-longue for a bit, if it makes you feel better. Go on, clutch your head. Clutch it good. Roll your eyes and groan. Do not restrain yourself - groan good and loud! Good. Now get up, and make yourself a cup of tea. Or, if you fancy it, a good stiff whisky! Then stop despairing, and do one thing. If we all do just one thing, together we will have done many things, and it will really help!

In the spirit of Rebecca Solnit, we have compiled an officious list of things you can do to defend democracy, depending on where you live. Pick one, pick many - get roaringly drunk and do them all! You're welcome.

If you live in the US you can:

• Keep calling your representatives
• If you are able to, donate to the ACLU
• Support Black Lives Matter
• Resist racist abuse
• Keep marching!

If you live in Poland you can:

• Oh, bloody hell. Probably keep marching?

If you live in the UK you can:

• Write to Boots and tell them why you will be boycotting them
• If you are able to, support Jean Hatchet as she cycles for murdered women and fights against the closures of women's shelters
• If you are able to, support Sisters Uncut
• Resist racist abuse. Seriously, if you are in a public place and you see someone being abused, there are very simple steps you can take to help.
• Keep resisting Theresa May's proto-fascist government, for instance by donating, if you are able, to Jo Cox's fund
• You may have noticed that the number of homeless people in the UK has visibly risen since the Tories started decimating social services. If you are able to, support a homeless charity, for instance this one.
• Keep marching!

If you live in Australia you can:

• Keep supporting Rosie Batty
• Keep marching!

If you live in Scandiwegia you can:

• Keep an eye out for neo-Nazis and resist, resist, resist
• Support the Vi står inte ut movement, and protest the deportations of vulnerable young people to chaotic, dangerous countries
• Speak out against the anti-choice movement
• Keep marching!

Wherever you live:

• Note that women's health is under threat everywhere. Accept that reproductive rights are human rights. Understand that women in control of their fertility are better able to access education, care for their families, and build stable communities. Remember that girls' education is the key to building a better, safer world.

For more tips and resources, here is a really great site.


We reckon that's enough pontificating for now. How about some toilet pictures? We have some exciting pictures from Öland, a very pretty island in the Baltic, off the coast of Sweden. You may want to make sure you are sitting down - perhaps with a fortifying glass of whisky! - before reading any further, since we have some quite dirty pictures. Not dirty in the sense "depicting Jonny in the bath with only a toy battleship to cover his modesty", alas. We don't have any of those at the moment. However, we have to make do with what we've got, and we hope that you will enjoy our dirty pictures, despite the sad lack of Jonny-related nudity.


Let's start out in Gettlinge! This Iron Age burial site will be of interest to medievalists the world over, whether they are in their mid- to late thirties or even older, or (do they even exist?) younger. Kind people have helpfully installed a rudimentary public toilet in the vicinity of the burial site, so that one may satisfy one's soul and one's historical interest, and also, possibly simultaneously, heed one's physical needs.

A rude hut

Inside: a VERY rudimentary, and not very clean, toilet

The ceiling is also rudimentary

Ah, poetry! A festive piece of graffiti on the wall says:

Bovar och banditer
som kommer hit och skiter
Om ni något hjärta har
Lämna lite papper kvar

Our very rudimentary, non-rhyming translation goes as follows:

(Thieves and bandits
Who come here for a crap
If you have any heart
Leave some paper)

We can't remember exactly where we saw this festive flower pot, but it may have been in the village of Näsby. The sign says "Hundpiss - nej tack!" ("Dog piss - no thank you!").

In the interest of recording public toilets next to sites of public interest, here is a similarly rudimentary toilet by the side of the road, next to the Möckelmossen bog (yes, really).

A very rudimentary interior...

...belies the absolutely magnificent exterior! Woof!

Next, let's check out the toilets at Hotell Skansen. They are pretty bog-standard hotel toilets, really, but Skansen has a special place in our heart and not only because they make their own whisky.

Feel free to adore this mixer tap and hygienic towel arrangement in an unhealthy, heathenish manner.

An exemplary arrangement

Next, let's check out some church toilets. It's been a while! As we may have mentioned before, we are red-hot, stark raving atheists at the Privy Counsel, but we do enjoy a visit to a historically significant church now and then, especially if it has a good toilet (as churches in Sweden often, helpfully, do). We start with Gärdslösa kyrka, which we have already reviewed in the past.

Alas, readers, we have reached the age where we repeat ourselves! We have already posted a review of this toilet, many moons ago. We should perhaps have contented ourselves with noting that this bog hasn't changed at all since 2012 and left it at that, but we just couldn't resist the temptation to publish more pictures of it, no doubt for self-aggrandizing reasons of our own.

The charming hut housing the toilet at Gärdslösa church.

Feel free to celebrate the holy trinity of this sturdy and most excellent coat-hook.

Exciting wall paintings inside the church

Some 13th-century runes that casually got left on the wall

Have we got energy for one more church? Haha, of course we do! Let us, without further ado, admire pictures from Algutsrums kyrka, whose roots go back to the 10th century.

A very exciting, though we say so ourselves, grave stone, commemorating a parson by the name of Erlend, who died in Algutsrum in 1345. If you crave more information you can get it here and perhaps here. Maybe even here. 

The best thing about the church in Algutsrum - even better than the Latin inscription! - is the toilet. Here is the charming little door, just to your left as you enter.

A most hygienic and virtuous arrangement!

We would never advocate keeping toilet rolls on the floor, but then again who are we to judge?

A charming and helpful sign advising the hapless visitor on how to work the lock

Let's do one more toilet on Öland, then we promise we will stop! Here is the toilet in the lovely little hipster café at Prästgården, Smedby.

Whatever happens to you in this toilet, rest assured that you will never be bored!

We cannot praise this charming and hygienic arrangement enough! It's even got our favourite Bliw soap!

Well done for reading this far! As a reward, here is a picture of cake. This cake was made by a very festive relative of ours. It is the best cake we have ever eaten, and we are never flippant about cake.

Now, it's Saturday night. Go out dancing and carousing! Immediately!

But first, let us have a Festive Video. This one is intended to reflect a conversation we had with Shewee Fiend Friend about female-only spaces. Turns out there's not enough of them. Sometimes, that's due to misogynistic abuse happening even in supposedly women-friendly environments. It could be due to people taking de Beauvoir's tenet that gender is something that is made, not something one is born with, and using it as a basis of further oppression.

Sometimes, a female-only space is more fun and friendly than a mixed space. Sometimes, a woman needs a women-only space to catch her breath and put her brave face back on. If you get invited to one: respect the rules and have fun! Sometimes, however, dudes who haven't been invited try to force their way into women-only spaces. To those dudes we would like to say: back the fuck off. If you find that you are encroaching on a safe space women have created for themselves, or find that you are spending your time shouting abuse at women, whether in real life or online,  here is a list of things you could be doing instead - including, but not limited to, starting a men's shelter, founding a support group to talk about football, and throwing yourself out the window.

Festive video: Jonathan Richman, I Was Dancing in the Lesbian Bar
(The studio version of this song, though less whimsical, is decidedly more audible.)



Related Reading

• How to resist and keep resisting - a guide for however long it takes
• Protest and persist: why giving up hope is not an option
• What to do if you are witnessing harassment

We Don't Want to Foist Our Opinions on Anyone, But

You know how sometimes you end up drinking schnapps with three young men from the navy on Midsummer's Eve? And it turns out they know an astonishing amount of drinking songs? And then, soon after that, somebody invites you to have a look at their archive? (Not a euphemism.) And how sometimes, even after that, other good things keep happening? To the point where you start to feel paranoid, and your eyes dart back and forth crazily while your mouth forms itself into a lopsided demented grin whenever you talk to someone? Well, that is what life is like at Privy Counsel HQ at the moment.

Also, have you noticed that the lime trees are in bloom? If you haven't, don't worry - we have done it for you! Lime trees, as we all know, have a delightful scent when in bloom and have inspired Germany's most poetic street name, Unter den Linden.

Lime trees in their most rampant phase of loveliness.
Image from deboragarden.

Other flowers that are in bloom at the moment are honeysuckle, roses, and elderflower. Our friend Maureen Helen frequently blogs about flowers and other mindfulness-inducing phenomena, and we don't see why we should lag behind. Thus we are now going to talk at you about flowers, whether you want us to or not.

We exhort you to get a snootful of honeysuckle as soon as possible,
for the sake of your health and relative sanity.

If at all possible we should all be stopping to smell the roses.
We simply cannot think of anything more enjoyable (especially on a day when one's drinking-schnapps-with-three-young-men-from-the-navy quota has already been filled).

Elderflower is supremely useful. Not only is it an effective medicinal herb, but elderflower cordial goes superbly with all kinds of alcohol, and makes for a jovial evening and cordial relations.

An elderflower tree in the vicinity of Privy Counsel HQ. We didn't actually know it was there until a friend kindly pointed it out, which is somewhat embarrassing, but in our defense it is too dark to see anything for nine months of the year where we are, and also we spend most of our time at a computer ranting about toilets and sexism, not  in the wild outdoors staring at trees.

We suspect that our intelligent readers are now extremely impatient for some toilet pictures. We seldom, in our own humble opinion, disappoint, so here you are! Our Mum, who hates football, sent us a message last night announcing her defiant intention of watching the Iceland-England game, hoping to see "Iceland beat the crap out of England". Those who voted pro-Brexit, thereby risking the political and economic stability of the entire European Union, are presumably not aware of the fury they have unleashed. Let us hope, for their sake, that they don't run into Our Mum when she is in a fuming rage ranting about the idiocy of Brexit!

Iceland, as we all know by now, did beat the crap out of England, which led to a certain grim satisfaction in the Bremain camp, though ultimately a football victory does little to undo the political chaos and rampant racism of recent days. But still. The people of Iceland are our heroes today, and what better way to celebrate than by enjoying pictures from the toilets in Reykjavík's Hallgrímskirkja? Well, quite. We ventured into our archive (which, as regular and perhaps semi-regular readers are aware, we imagine as a crypt out of The Monk, no doubt for sane and normal reasons) to retrieve these specially. Verði ykkur að góðu!

Sturdy, functional and very, very clean - just what you'd expect of a church in Reykjavík.

We cannot applaud this simplicity and cleanliness enough.

Words cannot describe how much we love this sturdy coat-hook.

We do not love this kind of scented soap, but it does the job and we will not rant needlessly.

We couldn't help but feel very, very smug when spotting this Swedish Mora tap.

Since we're on the topic of politics, may we suggest, if anyone with any influence in the Labour party happens to be reading, that you put a woman (if you are unsure what this is, see a helpful definition here) forward for leadership? We are not huge fans of party politics, but clearly the Tory party consists entirely of lunatics, and a change of government now seems indicated, both in terms of political spectrum, and in terms of sex. We don't want to foist our opinions on anyone, but CAITLIN MORAN FOR PRIME MINISTER!!!

Before we move on to today's festive video, here is a delightful postcard that we received from Tudor Friend, who has been to Haworth to visit the Brontë museum. As regular readers are aware, the Brontës are our heroes, and we think that the below quote by Charlotte Brontë adequately summarises the raison d'être of this blog.

Charlotte Brontë was a woman who wrote books. Yes, really.

Reinforcing our point that Caitlin Moran should be the next prime minister of Britain (or whatever the hell we should now call this country), here is her "advice to creatives".

Festive Video - Caitlin Moran, Inappropriate Advice for Creatives

Related Reading
Our friend Maureen Helen's philosophical blog

All posts featuring Our Mum

All posts featuring rants

All posts featuring Iceland

Not forgetting, of course, The Best Toilet in Iceland

All posts featuring churches

We once created a helpful abridged version of Jane Eyre

All posts featuring Tudor Friend

All posts featuring Caitlin Moran, whom we love to distraction

We actually get political surprisingly often for a toilet blog. For instance we once wrote a post called Love, Politics and the Revolution.

Medievalist Musings

We are not fond, as regular readers are aware, of religion at the Privy Counsel. We do however like churches, provided they are old and of historic interest.
Neither are we fans of the institution of marriage, but we do acknowledge that many people consider lurching down the aisle to be a reasonable use of their time. We are therefore happy to announce that a member of the Privy Counsel has gone and got hitched - congratulations, Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend! From what we can tell from the photos, this Roman archaeology enthusiast looked, on her wedding day, as beautiful as the dawn breaking over Istanbul, and radiated intellectualism!

One church we have mixed feelings about is the one in Uppåkra, outside Lund. We like that it is situated on the site of the ancient pagan centre of what was once part of a Danish kingdom, and which is today the site of extensive archaeological excavations. However, we are distressed that the church was built in the 1860s, replacing the previous church from the Middle Ages. Brutal 19th-century cultural vandalism aside, one thing speaking in Uppåkra church's favour is its toilet. It is very, very clean, and is open to visitors, whether they are into invisible sky beings or not.

A no-nonsense tap, soap, and paper-towel dispenser combo.

The toilet is also straightforward and to the point, with a water-saving flush and easy-access cleaning products.

This sign uses the first line of a well-known prayer for children and other gullible people,
to politely remind persons using the facilities to close the lid. We approve!

We enthused last week about it being the season for bird cherry. The wonderful white blooms have now nearly all gone, but instead lilac season has kicked off! Let us enjoy some pictures of these sweet tokens of spring, while it bloody lasts.

Lilacs!

Lilacs by night!

Cherry blossoms are also happening.

There has been a lot of sexism this week. Can we all please agree that in order to do anything - anything - to another person or one of their body parts, one must have their permission?! If you are one of the many people who apparently find consent a difficult idea to get your head round, try watching this video.

The rest of us, meanwhile, will get on with today's Festive Video. This song has been playing on repeat at Privy Counsel HQ this week. It explores a familiar concept - that of the dude who WILL. NOT. TAKE. A. FUCKING. HINT. If you have ever restrained yourself, despite grave aggravation, from pushing a mansplainer into a lake, out of a window, or over a cliff - you have our admiration and respect.

Festive Video - Maddie & Tae, Shut Up and Fish

Related Reading

The festschrift we wrote to Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend 
when she finished her PhD:
Hungover Ranting: Festschrift to Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend

All posts featuring Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend

A particular toilet that we happen to know that Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend is very fond of

All posts featuring Weddings

Our classic post about the dawn breaking over Istanbul: 

Rosy-Fingered Dawn (But No Bloody Lock on the Door) in Istanbul

Another church we visited semi-recently:

Perhaps Our Most Rampant Fit of Escapism Ever

All posts featuring church toilets

Perhaps Our Most Rampant Fit of Escapism Ever

We've all had them - those days when you're not paying attention and suddenly find that you have accidentally grossly insulted someone. You're having a perfectly pleasant conversation with somebody, and all of a sudden people start bellowing angrily, crying, or leaving the room. This has happened to us more often recently than you would perhaps credit.

We are all fallible, but some of us are more fallible than others. The pope claims not to be fallible at all. Be that as it may, we have certainly felt fallible as hell recently, and have thus embarked on a process of stubborn denial, procrastination, and escapism. Come with us on an escapist journey to the charming countryside church of Äsphult, in southern Sweden!

We went past Äsphult one sunny day in August last year. Times were difficult, but we enjoyed peace and repose in this beautiful church and its hygienic and disability-friendly toilet.

The toilet is behind the lefternmost door.

Isn't this a charming sign? Does it remind us of something?
Of course it does. It reminds us of this sign that German Friend once spotted!

What a superbly disability-friendly toilet!

An admirable set-up! This is what we like to refer to as the holy trinity of sink, mirror, and paper towels.

This is the kind of disability-friendly door-handle that you can open with your elbow, meaning you don't have to touch a potentially germ-infested surface after you've washed your hands. HUBBA HUBBA!

These festive dead insects brightened up the windowsill.

All flesh is grass, and all that.

We couldn't imagine a better coat-hook if we tried. Like, literally - we couldn't imagine a better one.

This is, as regular readers are aware, our favourite soap in the entire world. It comes in a friendly bottle, and smells of violets. Kafferosteriet in Malmö had the same one though with a different scent, when we went there. If you would like a close-up of the friendly bottle, check out this picture of Monkey posing with it.
The tap is disability friendly.

Photography is admittedly not our area of expertise. If you would like a picture
where you can actually see the church, try this one.

Does that feel better? For our part, not really. We will perhaps drink some rum and see what happens. And continue with our program of procrastination and escapism. Being on some beach, somewhere warm, where all the people have fucked off and only the booze is left, would be ideal.

Festive Video - Blake Shelton, Some Beach


Related Reading

Other times when the friendly Bliw soap has helped us get through difficult times:
On Mansplaining and Monastic Drains
Not Nearly Enough Monkey Business

If you are excited by the concept of church toilets, see Gärdslösa - Runes and Royalty

All posts featuring church toilets

For nice old-timey pictures of Äsphult before industrialisation and urbanisation, see:
Bygdeband