Castles in the Air: Dreaming of Better Plumbing, or, Bitches Love Pemberleys, or, Bottling Up of Incomprehension and Rage

Woof! The world is still fucked, but we have been for a visit to York, scene of Viking rampage, terrible plumbing, and much drunkenness, and feel refreshed and bursting with joie de vivre! Because we are decidedly less young than we used to be, however, we contented ourselves with gently perving on the Roman statues and daffodils at Castle Howard, as opposed to going apeshit bananas in the city's public establishments. Safely chauffeured and chaperoned by Tudor Friend, we frolicked, capered and even cavorted through the halls and gardens of the eminent palace, and, when nature so indicated, visited the visitors' toilets.

Let's gently ease ourselves into reviewing mode, by contemplating this entirely inoffensive ad

This set-up is, apart from the disability-unfriendly flush, reasonably laudable, and displays linguistic clarity

What the yellow rubbery fuck is this, though? Why do the walls not go all the way down to the floor?
Jonny's interpretation reads as follows:
"Looks like you're being abducted by aliens. Also maybe a reference to stargate or teleportation? Does fully look like you're about to step into the year 3050."
The mind boggles.

At this point we are so distressed that we become incoherent and gibber unintelligibly. Why separated taps? Why, in God's name? Whyyyyy? (We refrain from mentioning the air dryers, for fear of upsetting sensitive readers.)

 The inside of Castle Howard was rather less distressing than the toilets, though the centuries-old interiors were not necessarily much more functional than the modern facilities.

Enjoy: a 19th-century face-washing contraption with a rude (in the original sense) tap.
Incidentally, does this remind us of something? Perhaps of the lavoire!

A view with a room. Washing paraphernalia in foreground.

As regular and perhaps even semi-regular readers are aware, the Privy Counsel is home to a gaggle of fans of Jonny, who appreciate that young man's rugged physique and rustic sense of humour. It will no doubt warm everyone's heart to learn that we met up with the hero of the Jonny Babe Parade while on our sojourn to York! Here is Jonny, with an anonymous hanger-on, engaging in vital rehydration activities.

Jonny, his bigger-than-formerly bike, and a medium-to-large amount of bottles. Arrrrrrr!

The hour is late and we have shit to do. We shall not leave you, however, without a Festive Video to sustain you until the next blog update. Although we don't even believe in Jebus, we happen to find this song rather fitting for the season.

Festive Video - Brandy Clark, Pray to Jesus

Related Reading
A rather nifty summary of our views on religion: Why the Virgin Mary is Creepy
Intellectual Friend's classic musings on Easter and the name Jebus: Whether You Believe in Jebus Or Not: Unbelievably Rampant Linguistic Musings!
Another Easter classic: Cheese and Worcester
Yet another classic - our post pimping out Jonny to all and sundry: Jonny and a Public Toilet - A Treat for Single Ladies 
All posts featuring Easter

A Moderately Cheerful Update

It got to the point where we considered starting one of those "good news" newspapers, just to get to hear something that didn't depress the hell out of us. You know, the kind that has articles reporting that "Edith, 83, successfully went to the supermarket without breaking her hip", or that "Arnold, 8, said something nice to his sister". But the universe saw fit to give us a break today, and so we thought we'd do a cheerful, celebratory update, to make up for all the ranting and doom.

So here, in all its glory, is Glimmingehus, a magnificent medieval manor outside Simrishamn.  We spent a delightful spring day here the other year, and were treated to an extra special guided tour, courtesy of our distinguished company from Lund University.

Glimmingehus in all its glory. Note the remains of the privies on the wall!

Close-up of the privies.

We can't remember quite what this is, but suspect that it is the fireplace in the kitchen,
the basis for the central heating system.

To be honest, babes, we don't remember why we took this photo.
No doubt we had our reasons.

Nope. No idea.

Woof! We assume that you now feel as furiously invigorated as we do!

In celebration of today's good news, we thought we'd treat you to our latest favourite song, which also functions as our new year's resolution.

Festive video - Brothers Osborne, Rum


Related Reading
All posts about castles
All posts about medieval plumbing
More information about Glimmingehus, from Riksantikvarieämbetet (in Swedish)
If you like medieval stuff, check out our friend Jane's rampantly intellectual blog, Temple of Janus

Postscript
We also have a New Year's greeting to our female readers, from Jonny. This splendid if disgusting boy writes:

New Year, new girlfriend. I have spent many months crying myself to sleep but now I'm officially back on the market.
If you've got any hot mates show them this picture. I feel it shows I'm extreme but also still have a sensitive side. Look forward to banging all your mates. Happy New Year!!

This is not the first time we've published a glowing lonely hearts ad about Jonny, enumerating his many good qualities in no uncertain terms. Ladies! What are you doing?

Capering Round Caerphillly Castle

Bogsley Hansson Friend, having visited Caerphilly Castle, sent us some jovial pictures with which to delight end edify our readers. "Caerphilly" is one of our favourite words ever, being also, apart from a medieval castle with kick-arse bogs, a cheese. We love cheese an awful lot - though not, obviously, more than Elvis, or our mother. (An attempt to decide whether we love cheese more than mixer taps resulted in mass destruction and carnage being wreaked upon Privy Counsel HQ.)
We have previously explored the theme of the medieval garderobe in a post called The Royal Toilet at Kronborg: "A Foul and Pestilent Congregation of Vapours". Actually, we found even more photos of medieval toilets in our archive the other day, but then unfortunately there was a gust of wind, coming from where we know not, and the torch went out, and we had to crawl back to the office on our hands and knees, bumping into several unpleasant objects along the way. (At one  point, a skeletal hand grasped our calf. More on this in our Halloween special issue.) Those photos will therefore have to wait. In the meantime, enjoy these ones:

The traditional hole-in-a-plank set-up. Why deviate from a successful concept?

An edifying close-up of the hole. (Bogsley Hansson Friend is nothing if not considerate!)

Oooh, a charming mullioned window!

White walls, slanting sunlight - this is like something out of an interior design magazine!

We didn't get a commentary on these bogs, but we're assuming that these are the visitors' toilets.
Very nice they look, too.

Since the theme of today's blog post is medieval, let's add a photo sent to us by our favourite insane medievalist, Medievalist (with a Side Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend, who says, jauntily: "Best sign I've ever seen in a toilet."

If you, like us, spent all six seasons of The Sopranos wondering what in the name of arse cannoli actually is, wonder no more! "Cannoli are Italian pastry desserts. The singular is cannolo (or in the Sicilian language cannolu, plural cannola), meaning 'little tube', with the etymology stemming from the Latin 'canna', or reed." There.
(From Wikipedia, obvs.)

Today's festive video is about a man who likes going to the lavatory and, we suspect, doesn't much care what it looks like or whether it has mixer taps:

Festive video - Monty Python, Lumberjack Song

Related Reading
Another toilet in a Welsh castle: The Privy Counsel Book Club - At Home
A memorable pub evening, during which Wales was mentioned more than once:
Foul Play, Also Fowl Issues
More historic toilets:
The Historic Toilet Tour of York
The Royal Toilet at Kronborg: "A Foul and Pestilent Congregation of Vapours"
All posts on medieval plumbing

The Royal Toilet at Kronborg: "A Foul and Pestilent Congregation of Vapours."

Bunden i vejret eller resten i håret!*
We spent an utterly, utterly festive day in Denmark recently! We simply couldn't imagine a better-spent day; we devoted literally the whole day to photographing Danish toilets, checking out syphilis exhibits in museums, and drinking beer!
Actually, we've got UNBELIEVABLE amounts of photos of Danish toilets, so many that we literally don't know where to begin. But we reckon it's always safest, when one is dealing with people prone to OCD, to arrange things either alphabetically or chronologically.

Vil du tale lidt langsommere?**
Since the Danish language is fucked up beyond repair, however, we won't be able to do an alphabetical account of the toilets, and have therefore decided to start with the oldest toilets, at Kronborg Castle.

Hvor er toilettet?***
Turns out that Kronborg, which observant readers will recognise from Hamlet, is full to the brim of Danish toilets!

Mit luftpudefartøj er fyldt med ål!****

A throne fit for the King of Denmark!

For now, it's got a bucket in it (in case adventurous tourists take historical re-enactment a bit too literally?)...

...but back in the day, a clever construction ensured that the contents of the toilet ended
up in a brick cellar. We presume that "cellar emptier" (that is, gong scourer) was not an attractive career prospect
for the up-and-coming young castle employee.

A close-up of the brick cellar.

The charming view from the window!

There was also ventilation, thanks to this attractive hole in the ceiling! Hot damn!!

Here's a very festive painting from inside the museum!
We have no idea what's going on, but there's naked people, a lion, and a ship with Danish flags!

The cannons are pointing towards Sweden - traditionally, the great enemy.
Dannebrogen helpfully fell from the sky, in order to guide and protect the Danes, in Estonia in 1219.

Danes are prone to getting philosophical, especially after a couple of rounds of snaps.

* "Bottoms up or the rest in your hair" - only used with friends when very drunk.

** "Could you please speak slower?"

*** "Where's the toilet?"

**** "My hovercraft is full of eels."

Related Reading

Christian IV's toilet at Rosenborg Castle: Blogging Something Rotten

Even more royal Danish bogs: Waltzing around Amalienborg

Another 17th-century toilet: We Receive a Postcard

More castles: Christinehof - A Woman's Er, Bog Is Her, Er, Castle?

Henry VIII favoured brick toilets. Read about one of them in the Historic Toilet Tour of York

More historical toilets: Historical Toilets, Baths and Kitchens - a Useful and Humbling Lesson
More musings on the Danish language: Tømmermænd at Café Jorden, or, Sleepless in Aarhus, or, Fear and Loathing in Jutland

So Much Fabulousness We Hardly Know Where to Begin

Tally-ho! Life is pretty fabulous at Privy Counsel HQ right now, so we're making the most of it while it lasts. One of many fabulous things that have happened is that Shewee have generously sent us a selection of shewees to make our New Year's party extra festive!  We anticipate this being a legendary occasion, considering it's going to involve Australian Friend, Shewee Fiend Friend, a fuckload of drink and a BARRAGE OF SHEWEES! There will obviously be a blog post recording the results, once the hangover clears. (So most likely the second week in March or thereabouts.)

New Year's is still some way away, though, and there is plenty of work to be done before then, so let us get back to business and, for instance, do a Privy Counsel Book Club post! It's been a long time, but a dear friend of ours recommended a fabulous book called The Crimson Petal and the White! As a consequence, we have some Doulton-related joy to share with you! Enjoy this fabulous description of a Victorian toilet:

The employees' latrine has a much more modern and streamlined appearance, in Sophie's and Sugar's eyes, than the rest of the soapworks. A row of identical white glazed stoneware pedestals, each attached to a brilliant metal cistern bracketed under the ceiling, exhibit themselves like a phalanx of futuristic mechanisms, all proudly engraved with the name of their maker. The seats are a rich brown, glossy with lacquer, brand new it seems; but then, according to the address inscribed on all the cisterns, the Doulton factory is only a few hundred yards down the road. 

(Faber, Michel. The Crimson Petal and the White. Edinburgh: Canon Books, 2002, p. 781.)

You will, obviously, be elated to learn that, following on last week's retro Twyfords nostalgia, we have some amazing pictures of some damn well fabulous Doulton porcelain! Yes, yes, we understand your impatience - let's get on with it!

This spectacular bathroom, dear readers,
can be found at Kronovall Castle,
which we have mentioned once or twice before.

Grand, eh? Handy with a chair, too.
 One can invite a friend to entertain one while one is in the bath.

Woof! Bog-standard, but still. Woof!

This is where it gets exciting:
IT'S A DOULTON SINK!!
Ain't it a beauty!

Posh soap. It smelled delicious!

The pièce de résistance:
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A FABULOUS BATH?

Does one get all teary-eyed from contemplating such beauty? One does.

We simply can't recommend Kronovall enough - go forth and drink their wine and enjoy their sumptuous bathroom!

Related Reading
More Doulton fabulousness: A Toilet Mystery
A lovely old-fashioned toilet: Right Up Our Alley
More Victorian toilets: The Mysterious Forbidden Lavatories of Manchester
More retro porcelain beauty: Porcelain Porn and Historical Plumbing - We've Found a Soul-Mate
More Kronovall fabulousness: Kronovall - More Castle Shenanigans
For an example of Shewee Fiend Friend's fabulous antics: SISTERS STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES
More Victorians

Blogging Something Rotten

Phew! What a week it's been! You must be fed up with staring at Eminem's face (or rather arse) from the last post, a whole week ago! We've got good news for you, though. It seems everyone's favourite toilet country, Denmark, has discovered the Privy Counsel! Those great Danes have, according to our readership statistics, spent the last few weeks doing very little else but reading your darling toilet blog! So we thought we'd reward them with a feature on a historical toilet from their own dear country. Voilà, here's Christian IV's toilet from Rosenborg Castle!

Christian IV's toilet. Image from Free City Guides

According to dkks.dk,

This room, formerly known as “The Secret", is the lowest of three toilets, each with its own disposal chute. Originally it had a door in the wall to the left leading to the bathroom (where the Garden Room is now situated).

There was a water cistern in the room used for flushing. The drain led to the moat which surrounds the Palace. During drier periods it was difficult to get water circulation into the moat, resulting in an unpleasant smell from below.

The stucco ceiling dates from the time of Christian IV and was probably made by Valentin Dresler. The blue and white tiles on the walls were put up in connection with Frederik IV's refurbishing of Rosenborg in 1705. The original tiles were Dutch and were delivered in 1706; some of them are still on the walls. Later – in the 19th century – they were supplemented with tiles originally made in 1736, in a factory in Store Kongensgade in Copenhagen for the "Dutch Kitchen" in the Hermitage Palace.

Christian IV, as Australian Friend knows, was a busy man. Not only did he have toilets installed, he founded cities and pawned royal jewellery left, right and centre, too!

Close-up of the beautiful Dutch-made tiles. Image from Our Travel Pics

Australian Friend spent a memorable day investigating the ins and outs of Rosenborg Castle, in the company of friends.

HONK IF YOU LIKE ROYAL TOILETS!

Further Reading:
We Receive a Postcard
Waltzing around Amalienborg
Sing If you're Glad to Be a Dane
Cowering in Copenhagen
On the Tiles
Christinehof: A Woman's Er, Bog Is Her, Er, Castle?

Waltzing around Amalienborg

As far as we know, everyone loves Denmark. Especially Australians. Australian Friend was very excited by a visit to the Amalienborg Palace Museum in Copenhagen - after all, Crown Princess Mary is from Tasmania! (Read more about Crown Princess Mary here.) Our call at Amalienborg didn't include any proposals of marriage from members of the royal family (this time), but we did find time to check out the excellent toilets, in between admiring Queen Margrethe's fabulous dresses and harassing the royal guard.

Amalienborg palace and the royal guard. Just so you know, you're not allowed
to go closer than one metre to the strapping young men, however cute the hats. Image from Dkibenelux

Amalienborg Palace Museum: clean, functional and hygienic

Relax, everyone - there is absolutely no danger of running out of toilet paper!

We like everything. Except the uncovered rolls of tissue stacked on the floor.
Credit for the amount of spare bog roll, though - respect!

We love this

And this: ventilation!

This royal toilet is a ten-pointer!

Further reading:
Sing If You're Glad to Be a Dane
If you enjoy reading about jewellery, whether royal or not, we recommend the author Nina Hald:
http://www.gyldendal.dk/forfattere/nina-hald

More royal reading:
Gärdslösa: Runes and Royalty
By the Sea - A Toilet Blogger's Holiday
Imperial Aspirations: The Chiewitz Outdoor Privy in Espoo
Statistical Musings



Amalienborgmuseet | Christian VIII's Palæ | 1257 København K
http://dkks.dk/the-amalienborg-museum-2

Kronovall: More Castle Shenagigans

Not content with the grandeur and cultural richness of Christinehof Castle, we went ahead and made a visit to a place called Kronovall, near Tomelilla in southern Sweden, as well. (This place was recommended to us by a very dear friend.) Our main impression was of the pizza, which was AWESOME!

Classy before you even enter the toilets

Well, it is a wine castle!

Does one sigh with contentment? One does.

This soap actually smells like sandalwood and lavender.

Ha! An exemplary coat-hook!

Kronovall Castle, in all its glory

PIZZA! AND WINE! Two of our favourite things!

A whimsical giant wine bottle

We can't be bothered with points at the moment. To be honest, we suspect nobody cares, anyway. Just go and eat the pizza and enjoy the toilets.

Kronovalls Vinslott
273 95 Tomelilla
Tel: 0417-197 10
http://www.kronovall.se


Related Reading
So Much Fabulousness We Hardly Know Where to Begin
Christinehof: A Woman's Er, Bog Is Her, Er, Castle?
On Second Thoughts