Hungary: Dubious Shelf Life

You know how sometimes your workplace turns into a piece of surrealist theatre of the scary, nightmarish kind, with land mines hidden in a muddy field surrounded by barbed wire that you have to traverse at night in the rain while being jeered at by homicidal horror clowns churning out Excel documents with distressing mis-spellings and being forced to solve abstract maths problems with your hands and feet shackled while an orchestra of deformed, plague-infested children plays Andrew Lloyd Webber numbers on rusty brass instruments covered in slimy snails to the accompaniment of the anguished screams of amputees being forced to endure team-building exercises on a rail replacement bus, all the while being observed by a group of toothless sex offenders scratching their fungus-infested nails on a blackboard? Yep. That's been our work environment for the past two and a half months.

Luckily we went on a much-needed mini break to Budapest recently, to visit Lithuanian Friend, and are pleased to report that Hungarian plumbing appears to be entirely satisfactory; toilets are hygienic and well-equipped. Innocent tourists frolicking in the land of cabbage-rich food beware, however: Lithuanian Friend warned us that Hungarian toilets are prone to exhibiting the dreaded German-style toilet shelf!

[we pause briefly here to give everyone time to utter loud primal screams of fear]

We noted with interest when skiing some years ago that while you would find the Italian-style allaturca toilets in Italy, they would be absent just across the border in Switzerland. When skiing, in other words, one could encounter vastly different toilet cultures on the same day, in the same mountain range. Clearly in the Alps, culture trumps geography when it comes to porcelain design. Likewise in Hungary, though they don't speak a Germanic or even an Indo-European language, people apparently feel enough affinity with German culture, or at least the toilet-related parts, to embrace the toilet shelf enthusiastically. 

The history of the toilet shelf, meanwhile, is somewhat murky. From the various blog posts and articles that we could find in the shadier corners of the internet, it appears the toilet shelf is intended to either 

a) facilitate inspection of faeces in order to be able to discuss colour and consistency with one's physician (unless one suffers from colon cancer, why?), friends (why on Earth??) and family (WHY, IN GOD'S NAME, WHY?), or 

b) reduce splashback, which apparently fills Germans with bacteriophobic terror. Possibly a combination of a) and b) may account for this strange and off-putting phenomenon. Unfortunately not even Der Spiegel was able to illuminate this turbid aspect of German culture, and perhaps that is for the best. It seems, however, that the shelf toilet is rampant not only in Germany and Hungary but also in the Netherlands and parts of Poland. We are tempted to induce its prevalence in these parts to a vaguely defined shared cultural heritage, possibly to do with the Austro-Hungarian empire.

Let us swiftly move as far away from the image of the toilet shelf as possible, and instead enjoy some pleasant images of Hungarian toilets. We'll begin with the facilities at one of the Central European University buildings!

As we entered our friend's office, we noticed this on the door and were most impressed. A master sign-writing craftsman has been at work here! Note the exquisite politeness, constructive advice, and helpful illustration.

The outside of the toilet-stall door boasts an equally friendly and helpful sign. We were in signage heaven!

An overview of the stalls, with their helpful and instructive signs and doors that go all the way down to the floor. Could this toilet get any better?

An encouraging cleaning-supply corner with a sink, a mop and a bucket. Our friend told us that a family cleans this building, and that they are really friendly.

For some reason we don't seem to have a photo of the actual toilet. A strange and slightly disturbing oversight - but perhaps we were so overcome with the toilet's cleanliness and efficiency that we simply forgot to photograph it? In any case, we hope our inattention is made up for by this wonderful picture of the sink, with its special antibacterial soap and pedagogical instructions for how to disinfect one's hands!

One last wistful glance at yet another wonderful, friendly sign. To whoever wrote the signs in this office, you are our hero!

 Our next view of the best of Budapest plumbing is from a delectable little patisserie called À table, on Arany János Utca. Lithuanian Friend had assured us that this gem of a café has the best pastries in town. Now, to be fair, we only visited one boulangerie on our sojourn in Budapest - this one - but we are convinced that our friend is right! Feast your eyes on the sight of the toilet in this delightful pastry-shop, before booking your tickets to Budapest:

The first thing we noticed was this beautiful yet sturdy coat-hook. We actually sighed from sheer delight.

Zappy prints brighten the wall

We can't conceive of a more cheerful and hygienic sight! There is a good bin and a toilet roll holder, and cleaning obviously takes place on a frequent basis.

To add to the whimsical cosiness, the walls are decorated with French newsprint.

We can't believe we are still having to mention the fact that paper towels should not, in the interests of hygiene, be uncovered, and especially not displayed in a dip-your-wet-hands-with-accompanying-germs-into-this-pile-of-towels-that-everyone-else-will-also-be-digging-their-hands-into manner, but on the other hand, check out the nice soap and festive mirror!

A sign on the door imparts a no doubt friendly and informative message. (We can't read it, but there is no doubt in our heart.)

Democracy in Hungary seems, sadly, to be going down the toilet, but in terms of hygiene facilities, Budapest is a city to be celebrated! We found the locals friendly and the city itself so beautiful we risked whiplash injuries from craning our neck wherever we went - we could not stop staring at the gorgeous belle époque architecture!


We have many wonderful toilet pictures in our archive, but we have to leave off here today. Not, however, before enjoying a Festive Video. Here's a song with a feminist message that features the word "plumbing". The video also has footage of an actual toilet. You're welcome!



Festive Video: Elizabeth Cook, Sometimes It Takes Balls to Be a Woman



Related Reading

All posts featuring Lithuanian Friend

The fascinating story of the time when we fell on our face on the face of the Matterhorn and had to be rescued by a strapping Swiss mountain guard, and some much less strapping and much more leering Italian mountain guards:
Italian Toilets: Mi Piace Servizi Igienici 

More fascinating information about the Italian allaturca toilets: On Her Majesty's Privy Service

All posts featuring cafés

All posts featuring signage

An excellent blog post on scary German toilets 

Another excellent blog post on scary German Toilets 

An article in Der Spiegel, disappointingly inconclusive, on the origin of the terrifying German toilet shelf

Yet another blog post on scary German toilets, that commends the Swedes for doing good toilet

Shewee Fiend Friend's favourite blog about German toilets (actually we found this one disappointing and crude, but we agree with Shewee Fiend Friend about almost literally everything else (except, at the last count: the merits of brunch, cats, and country music), so one small disagreement is probably healthy)

Do not forsake this chance to refresh your memory on the history of the Austro-Hungarian empire!

An Australian Oddyssey

Procrastination, in our view, is the driving force of human civilisation. The feats that have been achieved through procrastination! The letters written, the cakes baked, the floors cleaned, the books perused, the views regarded, the music composed, the political maxims created, the sheer mass of intellectual activity expended on doing things other than that which one is supposed to do. Somebody should do a clever essay on this, exploring procrastination-enabled productivity, taking perhaps a historical perspective via the Hellfire Club, Samuel Johnson, Bertrand Russell and the Idler.

This whole blog is basically the result of rampant procrastination. Right now, for instance, we're sitting here thinking about the marking we should be doing, while lustily leafing through the pictures Audiologist Friend has sent us from Australia. Yes! Audiologist Friend is Down Under! As far as we understand, that worthy hearing specialist is entirely occupied with taking toilet pictures and chatting to random dudes in bars, with brief interludes of engaging in audiology business.

We seague here into epistolary mode, recordning our own reactions to Audiologist Friend's pictures. SENSITIVE READERS BEWARE: The following transcript is from an entirely social-media-based conversation. Ordinary rules of punctuation and grammar are not always adhered to, and emoticons do occur. You have been warned. A translation of the original colloquial Swedish is provided.

We begin with Audiologist Friend's plane journey.

Privy Counsellor: 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Vilket flygbolag?

(OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Which airline?)

Audiologist Friend:

Lite besviken över att det inte fanns handlotion på toaletten! Istället fanns eau de toilette - alltså vem använder sånt? Jag kan inte ens stava till det
Qatar Airwaves
Nej airways

(Slightly diappointed that there was no hand lotion in the toilet! Instead there was eau de toilette - honestly, who uses that stuff? I can't even spell it
Quatar Airwaves
No, Airways)

PC:

Uppenbarligen kan du stava till det
Nä, fy fasen - klart man vill ha handlotion!

(Evidently you can spell it
No, feck no - of course one wants hand lotion!)

AF:

Men jättebra kran - man slapp stå o hålla intryckt hela tiden!
Nu är jag i Doha
Det är jättehäftigt att vara här
Några har högklackat + slöja
Jättemånga män har vita långa dräkter

(But a great tap - one didn't have to keep pushing it in!

Now I'm in Doha

It's really cool to be here

Some people are wearing high heels + veil

A lot of men are wearing long white outfits)

AF:

Melbournes flygplats ÅNEJ tillbaka till landet med uppdelade kranar :(((

(Melbourne airport OH NO back to the country with separated taps)

 PC:

Åh nej! Australien har oftast ganska bra kranar, vad jag förstår! De är pionjärer när det gäller att spara vatten

(Oh no! Australia usually has quite good taps, from what I understand! They are pioneers when it comes to saving water)

AF:

Lägg märke till att det vid entrén även finns punktskrift! Studenttoaletterna på UQ

(Please note that the sign by the entrance uses Braille! The student toilets at UQ)

Woof! This looks like an excellent tap in every way!

An elegant ad informative sign, incorporating Braille.

We love this coat hook. It is an excellent coat hook. Possibly our favourite kind of coat hook.

The spray bottle indicates regular cleaning!

This looks like an excellent set-up. The bin appears to be at a comfortable distance from the toilet.

If you enjoy almost seeing people, check out the label Almost Seeing People!

A lovely composition, incorporating almost seeing Audiologist Friend, and a friendly sign informing the toilet user that the toilets are water-saving. Woof!

AF:

F ö var jag på baren The End ikväll och träffade en trevlig man, Daniel, som jag berättade om bloggen för. Han uppmanade mig att ta foton från toan där
... and so I did!

(In other news I was at the bar The End tonight and met a nice man, Daniel, who I told about the blog. He encouraged me to take pictures of the toilets there
...and so I did!)

A daring fusion of art and cleaning products at The End bar in Brisbane.

A very small and sad sink with a sad, lonely tap, but plus points for the festive soap dispenser.

A festive and informative sign!

Exuberant graffitti on what is possibly a paper-towel dispenser?

More innovative graffitti!

PC:

Det är det jag alltid har sagt - The Privy Counsel är en världsomspännande rörelse! Hälsa Daniel

(That's what I have always said - The Privy Counsel is a global movement!
Say hello to Daniel)

We congratulate Audiologist Friend on kicking academic arse, taking entertaining toilet pictures and chatting to random dudes called Daniel!

The obvious Festive Video at this point would be Daniel by Elton John, but frankly we think this dude has had enough attention. We are instead going to delight you with a song recommended to us by a very dear friend who we have the good fortune of spending a lot of time with at the moment. We have been told that it is an Arabic song about the advantages of being single!

Festive Video - Samira Said, Mahassalsh Haga

Related Reading
All posts featuring Audiologist Friend
All posts featuring Almost Seeing People
All posts featuring Australia

An Unholy Combination

As our regular readers know, we like combining our favourite things. There was the time when we managed to combine syphilis and toilets, and there have been other times when we have combined other favourite things, like say rum and lime, or bourbon and lingonberries. Last night we combined the drinking of alcohol with a fascinating conversation with some medical students with a special interest in sex education, which is like our favourite combination ever, in the entire space-time continuum. (Normally, when you ask someone if they've heard of the latest strain of multi-drug-resistant gonorrhoea, in the north of England, they tend to look at you funny. With medical students with a special interest in sex education, however, you not only get invigorating conversation on your favourite subject, but they tell you interesting new things that you didn't know, and give the room at large an impromptu lecture on prophylactics. Amazing.)

Jonny, that ever-helpful, disgusting young person, sent us a message of extraordinary clarity. It said:

Cycling and toilets. Your two fav things.

Though this is not what we wish to lay our eyes on while drinking rum-based (and also gin-based, vodka-based and other-things-based) drinks, we must applaud Jonny's creativity, chutzpah, and roguery.

In other news, remember the festive toilet from the Lux building at Lund University that Meandering Friend sent us recently? Well, we happened to be passing Lux for intellectual and also drinking-related reasons the other night, and suddenly it struck us that the disability toilet was not only disability-hostile, but drunkard-hostile!

Look how far away the toilet-roll holder is! Unless one has massive gorilla arms, how is one supposed to REACH?
Granted, there are two other bog rolls attached to the arm supports, but what is the other bog-roll holder then FOR? What? Whattt?

To be fair, we love all of this. Love it.

Nota bene we have lots more pictures from the Lux building at Lund University. They're in the archive, with the pheasant. One day we shall grab a candle, open the oaken door, take a deep breath and a swig of whisky, and venture in there. One day.

(Anyone into psychoanalysis may ponder why we imagine our archive to be like a crypt out of The Monk. Ponder on.)

Today's festive video illustrates how we often feel when Jonny sends us pictures.

Festive video - Bruce Springsteen, I Wish I Were Blind

Related Reading

That other time when Jonny sent an actual picture of himself on the toilet:
What Goes Around, Comes Around (This post is surprisingly intellectual for featuring a picture of Jonny on the bog with his bike.)

Meandering Friend's report from the Lux building at Lund University:
A Picture of Jonny Not Holding a Fruit Pie

All posts featuring syphilis

North of England 'super gonorrhoea' outbreak triggers nationwide alert (ITV News)

A Picture of Jonny Not Holding a Fruit Pie

Privy Counsel HQ is abuzz with activity! There are things happening left, right, and centre, and - on top of everything else - the bathroom tap has clapped out, leaving us comfortless and unable to satisfy our OCD tendencies.

Since we're not in the habit of asking invisible beings in the sky for favours, we can't even pray for a speedy solution.

Clearly, the only reasonable strategy for dealing with this situation is our usual practice of hard-headed denial, combined with rampant procrastination. Hence, a blog post!

Jonny sent us these pictures some time ago. He says, simply,

You're welcome.

This is a picture of Jonny in, probably, a pub toilet, making a rude gesture.
His top says "Pie till I die", which we rather suspect refers to the concept of pizza pie, as opposed to fruit pie.
This is very odd, considering Jonny has promised us a picture of himself holding a fruit pie.
WHERE IS THE FRUIT PIE, JONNY?
WE ARE WAITING.

This vulgar poster is possibly funny, but it might depend on how drunk one is at the moment of examination.

We don't know about you, but upon regarding some of Jonny's contributions to this blog, and also other places, we often feel - there is no other word for it - sullied. We think maybe we would all quite like a mental eyewash. Don't worry - the Privy Counsel provides!

We have the very great pleasure of introducing a new friend today. Voilà, meet Meandering Friend! This splendid friend and abettor has already featured in a blog post, but hasn't had her own pseudonym till now.

This toilet is in the Lux building at Lund University, and features a pair of festive eyes!

We also have a picture of a very fucked-up Welsh pub toilet (a contribution from Welsh Gangster Friend) to show you, but we know from experience that our readers don't respond well to being overloaded with bog material. We choose, today, to be kind to everyone's intellect, and leave the fucked-up pub toilets till another day.

Both Jonny and Meandering Friend enjoy cycling, in various ways, and today's festive video features a song we find highly amenable to cycling. Seriously, when you're stuck on a dark road in the middle of winter, with nothing but an icy headwind for company, this song will see you through. IT WILL SEE YOU THROUGH.

Festive video - Steve Earle, Down the Road


Related Reading

The previous post featuring Meandering Friend: Disco Fever in Stavanger
All  posts featuring Jonny
All  posts featuring Lund

Kicking Anglo-Saxon Arse: Festschrift to Shewee Fiend Friend

It suddenly struck us that we had missed a trick. We really, really needed to get off our arses and get to grips with the festschrift situation.

Remember the festschrift to Intellectual Friend, that we wrote to mark the occasion of him finishing his PhD and moving on to power and glory? Well, strike us pink with a stuffed flamingo, although Intellectual Friend is the proprietor of, probably, the keenest intellect this side of Hogwarts, actually all our friends are packing serious weight in the intellectual department, and Intellectual Friend is far from the only one to be boasting possession of a doctoral degree. Shewee Fiend Friend, for instance, that wonder of charm, strident feminism, shewee enthusiasm and cerebral excellence, has been consistently kicking Anglo-Saxon arse, and recently gained her PhD. Congratulations, Shewee Fiend Friend!

A suitable toilet to dedicate to Shewee Fiend Friend is the rather spiffing one in the social sciences faculty library at Lund University, the splendidly named Sambib. Here one can find authors such as de Beauvoir, Bland, Jackson, Pankhurst, Showalter, Walkowitz, and others, who tend to crop up in our hugely enjoyable conversations with Shewee Fiend Friend.

(Due to the sheer mindboggling awesomeness of Shewee Fiend Friend, these toilets have been struck sideways. Consider their horizontal position as an intellectual puzzle, to strengthen and fortify your mind. If you find the sideways perspective refreshing, there are more lateral loos here and here.)

The whole thing's a bit messy and the state of the bog roll is, obviously, wretched, but we actually really like these toilets. They have a friendly, intellectual atmosphere, and are usually very clean.
We have never encountered any urine on the floor here.

Using the mixer taps in this toilet is like going for a pint with Shewee Fiend Friend: a sheer bloody pleasure.
The soap is from Tork and is very nice.

Saving the best for last: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A TOTALLY FUCKING AMAZING COAT HOOK?
Even if it's a rainy Tuesday in November and you have a) a hangover, b) a coat smelling of wet dog, and c) a rucksack full of books weighing approximately 18 kilos, you could still fit all your gear on this coat hook, be able to get on with your business, and enjoy washing your hands in the lovely sink TOTALLY WITHOUT WORRYING.
There is only one appropriate response here, and that response is HUBBA HUBBA.
May Shewee Fiend Friend's career be rich in helpful and functional coat hooks!

King Alfred the Great was handy with a sword, but he also enjoyed reading
and (probably) cosy dinners at home, long walks and pottery.

Have we got a festive video to celebrate Shewee Fiend Friend's achievement? You bet your Anglo-Saxon arse we do.



Festive video: Loretta Lynn, The Pill

Related Reading
Lund university Library: Festschrift to Intellectual Friend
SISTERS STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES
In Which We Indulge in a Feminist Rant and, of Course, Incontinence
Shewee Fiend Friend on male incontinence: (Don't) Aim for the stars
All posts about Caitlin Moran
The Vagenda
The Everyday Sexism Project

Delirium Tremens: We Indulge in Paranoid Halloween Horror

Gaaaah! Is that the icy breath of SCREAMING BLOODY HORROR we feel on our neck? It is indeed! Halloween caught us unawares this year, engaged as we were in a multitude of intellectual activities (and a few strictly non-intellectual ones; the less said of those the better). But since it is apparently the thirty-first of October to-bloody-DAY, we shall of course be regaling our dearly beloved regular readers with our traditional SCREAMING BLOODY HORROR Halloween special! And have we ever got a multitude of gibber-inducing horrors in store for you today!

Let us start with Mr Smith. You will perhaps remember Mr Smith's admirable bathroom, with its model grouting and exemplary ventilation? Let's revisit the pictures from this truly excellent bathroom, which is still, after nearly two years, on the Privy Counsel list of favourite bathrooms ever!

Mr Smith usually keeps this shower curtain tucked away,
in order not to scare the cleaner to death.
Our Friends are nothing if not considerate.

Prints on the wall at Mr Smith's house.
Spot a theme, anyone?

GAAAH! IT'S MR SMITH WITH A BLOODY MEAT CLEAVER!!!

Just in case that's not enough spine-chilling horror to give you nightmares, let's have a look at some truly disturbing images from the Lund University Library. (For more pictures from this eminent institution, see Lund University Library: Festschrift to Intellectual Friend).

This looks perfectly normal, doesn't it? Is it, in fact, too normal?

A Swedish mixer tap, to all outward appearances perfectly normal, sane and healthy.
But did it just snarl?

It's a trap, right? The paper towel dispenser is actually waiting to bite one's hand off?

Satanic scribblings.

A lopsided, Hieronymus Bosch-esque monster with tusks!
Staring at the toilet visitor with a crazed, squinting, murderous gaze!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE HOSE FOR???

Time for us to return to our syphilitic research! Happy Halloween, everyone! 

Related Reading

It's Halloween - Time for Some Spine-Chilling Horror!

HALLOWEEN HORROR!

Oh! the horror! SCREAMING BLOODY HORROR HALLOWEEN SPECIAL: The British Workplace

Mr Smith's Plumbing: An Action-Packed Story

Turns Out Mr and Mrs Smith Have Lovely Bathrooms

Lund University Library: Festschrift to Intellectual Friend

Czech Mate (Yeah, Yeah, We Know, Sorry)

Les Conduites Dangereuses: For Once It's Not Just Us Ranting

My, my, have we and our Friends been busy! Our Friends especially have been active in the correspondence department, while we at Privy Counsel HQ have been perhaps more inclined to gently ruminate certain academic matters (as long as they are lurid and unpalatable, anyway), and perhaps also indulge in the odd moment of procrastination, periodically even distasteful heartiness. It is lucky for us, then, that our Friends are so alert, intelligent, and helpful. Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend (who is, needless to say, British by birth), on reading our last post, sent us the following comment:

Just read your new post and saw the link to the British workplace. You are so bang on about the mixer taps with only cold! I had obviously forgotten from blocking it out but WTF people, why do they bother if they only have cold water! This has happened so many times to me in shitty kitchens and shitty bathrooms in shitty British establishments! Have you seen the ones where there is a separate cold tap and a separate hot "nozzle" coming from a crappy little plastic (of course) boiler on the wall? Usually the boiler is turned off so you get two cold taps but sometimes the boiler is on and it causes first-degree burns! WTF people! Oh, and I was impressed with the sideways toilet but was disappointed to note it was the photo that was sideways and not some unusual seating arrangement.

The screaming bloody horror that is the handwashing facilities
at the average British workplace

Noting with approval that Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend has learned to profit from the usefulness of the word “WTF”, we of course immediately responded with a list of links to posts describing the horror of the very dangerous hot water contraptions of Britain. Obsessive Emmerdale Friend then helpfully responded in turn with comments on the individual toilets and their dangerous taps. Since said comments were a joy to read we will publish them here.

Link number 1
More Dark, Dark Horrors: An Outwardly Reputable Employer with a Dark and Filthy Secret

Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says:

Ooh, the first one is minging. [...] Btw, the British warning of "very hot water" and the lack of distinction between those diabolical contraptions is so, so true and reminds me of Britain (and why I left)! Oh, and the soap may be nice BUT as with most toilets, especially those bloody awful ones in the workplace, it's pretty much run out! There's NEVER enough soap! And no, people, filling the minutest dregs of liquid soap up with half a container worth of water does not count as soap worthy of washing one's hands! Oh yes, the peeling paint is also something I have experience of in many of England's toilets. I wish I was surprised.... 

Link 2
Safety at Work

Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says:

The second one, gah! So much promise only to fail to deliver! I especially enjoyed this: "Britons never, never, never shall be slaves, apparently, but they are slaves to impractical, dangerous and annoying plumbing." Made me laugh so much! [Cue editorial twinkle in the eye.] Those taps are so rubbish, aren't they! I recognise both the bathroom and kitchen ones (the bathroom ones are in many friends' current bathrooms and are so damn stiff and horrible to turn).

As an encouraging example of mixer-taps that actually do work, they are mostly found in disabled toilets. Our favourite one is the one at the King's Manor in York.

Link 3

Let's Get Medieval: King's Manor, York

Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says:

Anyhoo, bathroom number 3.... Oh yes, this is much better. I especially love the window and plant! I also appreciated the University of York-emblazoned hand dryer! And recognise, of course, the flu man in the warnings! Oh [Privy Counsel], you bring back such happy memories to me of dear old Blighty! But, as with most institutional toilets it's not great and could be far improved so I agree with the 7/15. But, all in all, it's a step in the right direction. I just wish the pot plant could have a better home with some warmer décor.

Another pretty good disabled toilet is the one at the military garrison in Catterick. (Although we subsequently admitted to getting carried away by our enthusiasm for the functioning tap and the STD poster, and giving it a higher rating than it deserved. Still, it was exciting going to Catterick. The best thing about it was the strapping young uniformed whippersnappers lining the way and constantly cheering and clapping for all the participants!)

Link 4
On the Eighth Day God Created Paratroopers, but He Forgot the Soap

Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says:

The fourth and final one, hmm, I can't be happy with it. The lack of soap and a bin is bad whatever the toilet is like. (Unless lined with velvet everywhere in which case MAYBE I could overlook it if I was in a particularly good mood.) Also, I love those “gear stick” flushes at portaloos! They're scary and exciting in equal measure! I always imagine pulling the lever and the whole portaloo starting up an engine and ascending into the skies with me still inside!

Overwhelmed by this profusion of helpful comments, we went into a Babylonic gratitude rant, making appreciative noises and noting that “it is so very seldom that we get any feedback on the points system - in fact, it's never happened before, except maybe once when Semi-Intellectual Friend gently satirized the whole scheme,” and intimating our resolution of basing an entire blog post on them. Obsessive Emmerdale friend replied:

Oh my god, does this mean I, Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend, have finally inspired a WHOLE POST? This is great news, although I am worried that I am now ranting about rubbish attempts at mixer taps! At this rate, I will be losing my British citizenship no doubt.

Does the story finally, at long last, end there? Of course it doesn't! We then browsed through some old posts and had a sudden epiphany: Even Uzbekistan can do it! Install mixer taps, that is. Read all about it here.

Sheer, unadulterated Uzbekistani joy

Incidentally, if you are not totally exhausted and wanting to end it all now, we may as well tell you that the Shetland Shithouses have arrived! (Regular readers of our Facebook and/or Twitter accounts will know this already; it pays to be sociable in media.) While you're waiting for this utterly thrilling development, you may wish to ponder some Orkney Outhouses. You will find this hard to believe, but they, too, contain dangerous taps!

Orkney: One hardly believes one's goggly eyes

You may also find this video, from one of our favourite posts ever, [insert adjective here. Suggestions: inspiring, horrifying, mindboggling].

Meanwhile, Australian Friend sent us tidings of Miley Cyrus. We are informed, yet not enlightened.

Related Reading
A Note on Desperate Measures
Are You British? Does Tap Sanity Elude You?
Let's Get Medieval: King's Manor, York
Mixer Taps - The Great Controversy, or, When Will Britain Enter the 21st Century?, or, You Are Not Alone!
More Dark, Dark Horrors: An Outwardly Reputable Employer with a Dark and Filthy Secret
More Uzbek Toilets
Oh! the horror! SCREAMING BLOODY HORROR HALLOWEEN SPECIAL: The British Workplace
On the Eighth Day God Created Paratroopers, But He Forgot the Soap
Right Up Our Alley
Safety at Work