Rough and Tumble Escapism

Sometimes reality is so grim that one spends unreasonable time and energy constructing elaborate fantasies. This can be a productive strategy for many days or even weeks, but eventually, the whole thing will come tumbling down and one will have no choice but to get very drunk very quickly. We spent the other night imbibing fermented juices with enthusiasm, which turned out to be highly profitable, as evidenced by the following picture of a tumble dryer, taken by Audiologist Friend after we rather abruptly left the party:

Audiologist Friend sent us a message this morning, saying (a translation follows, for those too hungover to be able to read colloquial Swedish):

"Varför har jag bilder av torktumlare i min telefon? Ah det måste vara till [The Privy Counsellor]". Minns vårt telefonsamtal! Tydligen tog [vår andra kompis] typ samma bild (!) senare under kvällen, för att skicka till en annan kompis.

("Why do I have pictures of a tumble dryer on my phone? Ah, it must be for [The Privy Counsellor]". Remember our phone conversation! Apparently [our other friend] took basically the same picture (!) later in the evening, to send to another friend.)

We replied, soulfully, while gracefully clutching our head:

Haha, det var det du ringde om, va? Jag mindes samtalet, men inte vad det handlade om.

(Haha, that's what you rang us about, right? We remember the call, but not what it was about.)

Various members of the Privy Counsel enthusiastically escaping reality

Audiologist Friend retorted:

Hehe, jag ville ringa och kolla att du kommit hem OK. Berättade att jag hittat en tyst plats nämligen en toalett. Då sa du "Du tar väl bilder?" så då gjorde jag det.
När du gick vände sig [snubben vi pratade med] till mig och sa "Var det något jag sa?" varpå jag och [Meandering Friend] unisont förklarade "Nä, hon var bara trött, hon är lärare"

(Hehe, I wanted to check that you had got home ok. I told you that I had found a quiet place, namely the toilet. You then said, "You're taking pictures, right?", so I did.
When you left [the dude we were talking to] turned to me and said, "Was it something I said?" at which I and [Meandering Friend] explained in unison, "No, she's just tired; she's a teacher".

 As a last piece of escapism, let us share this picture of Jonny:

Jonny as a knight errant. WOOF!

As just one more piece of escapism, let's have this Festive Video featuring a band we listened to with enthusiasm in our youth. Now we're off to clutch our head some more, and maybe find some cheese.

Festive Video - Special Needs, Francesca


Related Reading
Rampant Murderous Nazis Are Taking Over the World, But Here Is a Picture of Jonny In a Toilet, for Your Convenience and Comfort 

You Only Live Once, And Sometimes Even That's Too Much

We are prone to vaguebooking at the Privy Counsel. We admit it. More than once (for instance here, here, and here), we have been guilty of unleashing a full-on vague-whinge, mournfully hinting that things are "a bit grim right now" but refusing to specify what ails us.

Well, guess what. Things really have been grim - so, so, so, so grim - lately. We would actually quite like to tell you just how grim. But, this being a blog devoted to a) toilets and b) rampant intellectualism, we make a point of not boring our readers with tedious details about our personal life (except of course in the case of Jonny, who is, by the way, still single). So instead, we are going to forget our troubles by enjoying a rant related to a toilet which one of our correspondents experienced at a feminist conference not too long ago.

Said feminist conference took place at a place called Malmö Live. For readers who don't regularly keep up with the goss from southern Scandiwegia, Malmö Live is an incredibly ugly conference centre in Malmö, Sweden, which cost staggering amounts of the taxpayers' money, and now constitutes a daily blot or haemorrhage on the Malmö skyline.

Right up until the moment when some edgy young architect decided to outdo Hieronymous Bosch in nightmarish visions, and went and designed this, it was literally impossible to imagine an uglier building than Malmö Live. It seems that Malmö politicians like to pretend that they live in Sydney, or downtown Miami, and thus encourage the erection of gut-punchingly ugly wannabe skyscrapers, to help maintain this illusion. Thus, the historic harbour area of Malmö is rapidly being clogged up by hideous constructions of glass, steel and brick. The brutalisation of this culturally significant area will no doubt be regretted by future generations, nauseated by the sheer hideousness of Malmö Live and surrounding areas, but by then it will of course be too late.

Nonetheless, though the outside of Malmö Live is so ugly it makes you want to rip out your eyes and throw them in a vat of acid, the inside isn't bad. The conference areas are actually rather stylish and pleasant, with ear-friendly acoustics, and the toilets could be a lot worse.

This coat-hook passes our rigorous quality standards, being sturdy
and able to support a stuffed-to-bursting bag on a wet day.

The sinks are rather small, but the mixer taps are beyond reproach, and the soap smells nice.

Normally, the only colour we hate more than orange is brown, but we don't mind these orange doors. In fact, we find them rather festive. 

This toilet-roll holder is also beyond reproach, though the toilet paper is bleached.

Our correspondent indulging in a fulsome toilet selfie.

When things get really bad, we at the Privy Counsel look at pictures of Caitlin Moran until things feel better. Today, we felt the need to watch actual videos. Here's one that we found really helpful. If you, too, are struggling, have a cup of tea and watch this soul-soothing interview.

Festive video - Caitlin Moran's Moranifesto

Related Reading

All posts featuring Caitlin Moran

When things get REALLY bad, we especially recommend this post, in which we describe the group hug we once enjoyed with CatMo:
Caitlin Moran Really Does Make Everything Better

All posts featuring Malmö

Two posts featuring the colour brown:

Jazzing Things Up in Oslo
Brownian Motion, or, Brownout, or, A Brown Study - Semi-Intellectual Friend's Shower

Melancholy Musings from Mykonos

Well, tally-ho and a rollicking good evening to you, dear readers! We've got some stupendously festive pictures from Jonny and Welsh Gangster Friend (what is it about strapping young men and toilet-picture productivity? Hmm?) to delight and edify you with in the near future. However, the season of mists and mellow fruitlessness is upon us, and we're in the mood for something more wistful just now. Let us therefore lock up our gentlemen friends' contributions for the moment (taking great care, of course, to avoid having our eyes gouged out by the pheasant living in our archive), and make a mental odyssey. To Greece!

We like Greece. The people are friendly, the toilets intellectually stimulating, and the archaeological artefacts really, really fucking old. We have some pictures from the Archaeological Museum on Mykonos which are very exciting indeed, but we'll save them for another day, when we are feeling less listless. The below pictures are from some café or bar or other on the same island, where we enjoyed some extremely invigorating and delicious Greek coffee.

Take a moment to appreciate the clarity of the colours, the rudimentary hygiene, and the fact that one is not allowed to flush bog roll down the toilet. This caused our hygienically-minded travelling companion (the same person, incidentally, who encouraged us to drink so much whisky that we ended up vomiting behind a bus stop that time) to erupt into pretty little cascades of angry snarls.

Believe it or not, but there is soap in this scenario.
And a very pleasant, soothing turquoise colour.

'

Every single toilet we encountered on Mykonos had one of these festive cisterns. Just like on an old-fashioned
Crapper toilet, but with a festive button instead of a pull-handle! Woof!

STRICTLY NO TOILET PAPER TO BE FLUSHED DOWN THIS TOILET.
HOWEVER, YOU MAY SIT HERE AND GAZE MEDITATIVELY AT THE TILES FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

The tiles are the same dreamy turquoise colour as the Mediterranean sea, gently rocking the plastic carrier bags and loud Italian children on a sunny afternoon. Let's crack open a bottle of rum and pretend that we are on a Greek island and not in the middle of a situation involving the passive voice, a bunch of angry pheasants, and inappropriate pictures of Colin Firth. And let us, for the sake of everything that is holy, have a festive video!

Just like one cannot legitimately use the words "too much" in conjunction with "garlic", it is impossible to get too much girl country.

Festive Video - Pistol Annies; Blues, You're a Buzzkill

Related Reading

All posts featuring Greek toilets

That other time we went all poetic on everyone's asses over the colours of some tiles: Brownian Motion, or, Brownout, or, A Brown Study - Semi-Intellectual Friend's Shower

All about the pheasant situation in our archive

Coasting Along: Saving Time and Effort by Plagiarising Our Friends. Also Some Otters.

HOLY HANDGRENADES! What a day it's been! And what a week it's going to be! We feel in urgent need of the sequel to Bogsley Hansson Friend's soothing photographic journey through Oregon, don't you?
Yeah, we thought so.

This is as much original writing as we can manage today, by the way. The rest is ripped straight from our friends' correspondence. Huzzah!

Bogsley Hansson Friend writes:

Some shots from the Oregon Coast Acquarium in Newport, Oregon.

This is as good a time as any, we think, to bring out
this infographic about sharks not necessarily being the most dangerous predators around.

OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER
OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER
OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER
OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER

People! Leave those otters alone!

We seem to remember Bogsley Hansson Friend making a snarky comment about this sign,
but we're fucked if we can remember what it was.

SEA BIRDS! OF SOME KIND!

Bogsley Hansson Friend continues:

Plus a neat pet store complete with super friendly store dog. Got these paintings there.

DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG
DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOGDOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOGDOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG
etc.

At this point we would like to remind our gentle readers that Shewee Fiend Friend speaks very warmly of the Royal Tyrrell museum in Drumheller, Alberta. It is, and we quote ourselves:

"[t]he best museum ever. Shewee Fiend Friend even goes so far as to claim that this museum is the best part of Canada! Apparently, the dinosaurs are to die for, and you can confidently skip the rest of the country!"
We feel very strongly that the Royal Tyrrell museum may appeal to anyone who enjoys looking at otters and sea birds of some kind.

Oh, and also, because we tend to think of Bogsley Hansson Friend and Welsh Gangster Friend en masse, here's another reflection from Welsh Gangster Friend:

I'm currently in a pub where they don't ever shut the door to the gents' toilet so they can see into them from the bar. Lots of drugs in South Wales!

(You may remember Welsh Gangster Friend's reflections on pub toilets in Wales from the other week.)

Which brings us to another greeting, from Australian Friend, in her usual post-post-modern, savvy style:

Btw, just found this crap-related article... something for the Privy [Counsel]?

Said crap-related article is this one, about that time when Houston really had a problem. (This naturally reminds us of a) this whimsical post about space waste, and b) Uncle Sean's timely advice about blue-bagging - a term which, by the way, was previously unknown to us.)

Oh. And one last thing. Mr Smith alerted us to an article about the city of Portland, Oregon, inserting turbines into its sewers, to produce energy. Our mind finds itself in five kinds of bamboozlement.

That's it. That's all we had to say.

If we ever needed a festive video about Oregon and sloe gin fizz, it was - ye gods! - today.

Festive video - Loretta Lynn and Jack White; Portland, Oregon

Related Reading

The first part of Bogsley Hansson Friend's photographic journey through Oregon: Cannon Fodder

The post in which Shewee Fiend Friend speaks warmly of the Royal Tyrrell museum in Drumheller, Alberta, Canada: Shewees Are a Girl's Best Friend
Previous posts mentioning Loretta Lynn: Kicking Anglo-Saxon Arse: Festschrift to Shewee Fiend Friend
Previous posts mentioning Jack White: Jack White on British Plumbing: Unsubstantiated Claims

Privy Counsel Pin-Up: Jonny! (Try to Restrain Yourselves.)

Ugh. The universe is doing that thing again where it's dark, and there's rampant misogyny everywhere, and bad things are happening left, right, and centre. And then, to get its filthy, bigoted, depraved kicks, the universe goes and adds pericoronitis to the already severely fucked-up state of things. Pericoronitis, in case you were wondering, is roughly as much fun as being tied to a tractor and pulled through a muddy field.

However, we mustn't let things get to us, or they will have won. (Identity of "them" to be determined at some point in future when the painkillers have worn off, and the smell of decomposing skunk has lessened somewhat in severity.) So let's cheer everyone up by enjoying a Privy Counsel Pin-Up! If memory serves us right (and there's an extremely large likelihood that it doesn't), the last one we did was in December last year, when we engaged in shameless perving over James Purefoy.

Celebrities are all very well, but in actual fact, celebrity culture can feel cloying, and shallow. So we thought we'd be a bit innovative and use a totally ordinary dude as a Pin-Up! And who better than Jonny! Jonny, for those of you who don't know him yet, can often be observed lurking in the Hyde Park area of Leeds. He is an all-round lovely dude, if a bit disgusting at times. He's also got totally smashing biceps, as you can see, and has the good taste of frequently posing in public toilets. Jonny counts as a Privy Counsel Friend for administrative reasons.

Jonny: an all-round lovely dude, if a bit disgusting at times.

If that got you feeling romantic*, ladies, check out this picture that Tudor Friend sent us!

Tudor Friend says:
"I do not want to know why anyone thought this would be a good idea."

*We're not quite sure what Jonny's relationship status is at the moment, but he tends to be very popular with the kind of wanton females who frequent this blog. So, if the type of dude who poses in public toilets gets your blood up, GRAB HIM WHILE YOU CAN.

What with all the darkness, misogyny, etc., we really, really, really, really, really need a festive video. Then we're off to add more rum to our tea.

Festive video - Chuck Berry, Johnny B. Goode

Related Reading
Jonny's finest hour:
Jonny and a Public Toilet - A Treat for Single Ladies
Another festive contribution from Jonny:
The Comfort of the Familiar - Life, Jonny, and Everything
A totally disgusting contribution from Jonny:
What Goes Around, Comes Around

Other posts involving Jonny:

Taking a Gander at Greatness

Less Intellectualism, More Prurient Pictures

We Clutch Desperately at Straws and Try to Cheer Everyone Up with One of Jonny's Pictures

De Consolatio Philosophiae

Things tend to be rather hectic at the Privy Counsel. Moving through life at breakneck speed while being rampantly intellectual, we don't always have time to appreciate the thoughtfulness, kindness and intelligence of our friends, and often have to content ourselves with stuffing their generously proffered pictures into our archive (the pheasant situation has, by the way, still not been resolved), vowing to give them more attention the second things slow down. However - you may have noticed it too - life only rarely changes gears from "really fast and terrifying" to "slow and pleasant", and the amount of time left over for contemplating artistic toilet pictures remains deplorably small.
(Possibly it doesn't matter. As someone once said, "I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both".)
Today we celebrate having time to enjoy the finer things in life by posting German Friend's kind contribution from ages ago. As usual, German Friend offers a glorious blend of pithy prose and thought-provoking pictures. Thank you, German Friend!

Brewery-looery

Well, credit where it's brew... At Brauerei Ganter in Freiburg (Black Forest megalopolis). Beer, urine, the ying and yang. It's all one.

Another philosophical benefaction:

Mirror, mirror on the wall ... who (insert inappropriate object/action) of them all?!

Freiburg again. What a source of material...
Her citizens had never struck me as outright narcissists before - despite their city always boasting the best weather in the land - but this takes some beating: Full frontal, width and height mirror. A periodic flush in the form of a gentle waterfall down the looking-glass.We are impressed. And can't stop taking photos.

Let's finish with a philosophical video, which has the added attraction of being totally toilet-related.



Philosophical festive video: Miranda Lambert, Bathroom Sink

Related Reading
One of our favourite philosophical posts ever:
The German Existentialist Toilet Is, Perhaps, Here
More German Friend action from Freiburg, home of serious toilets:
Dread, Rage, and Out-of-Order Urinals

On the Importance of Hygiene. And Elvis.

There's not been enough levity recently. It's been all seriousness, incontinence, crinolines, and a woeful lack of female urinals. There's other deplorable stuff going on outside Privy Counsel HQ as well, like literary theory, and sports. Frankly, the world is a sorry mess. What we all need more of more of in grim times like these is Elvis. More Elvis everywhere. Time for a Privy Counsel Pin-Up!

From what we've heard, Elvis was very into hygiene.
image from pinimg.com.

Elvis displaying a laudable interest in cleanliness.
Image from tumblr.com.

If you like the idea of a film featuring Elvis tending to his hygiene,
Live a little, love a little is apparently a good one.
Image from elvisinfonet.com.

Another good hygiene propaganda film is G.I. Blues.
Image from elvisinfonet.com.

We have vowed not to rest until we have one of these installed
at the Privy Counsel headquarters.
Image from blogspot.com.

We have no idea what is going on here, and are frankly a bit alarmed.
But the duck seems friendly, and Elvis looks clean.
Image from blingee.com

Let's have a festive video!


Festive video: Mojo Nixon, Elvis is Everywhere

Related Reading
Handwashing with Elvis
Toilet Song: Dirty, Dirty Feeling
A Completely Bathroom-Related Post
Privy Counsel Pin-Up: Elvis (The Day After the Night Before Pick-Me-Up)

Privy Counsel Pin-Up: Elvis! Again!

Who Knew That Going to the Toilet Could Be So Dangerous?

Another interesting shower curtain: Delirium Tremens: We Indulge in Paranoid Halloween Horror

Quickly, Before We Sober Up: Icelandic Nostalgia

We find ourselves strangely inebriated this morning. No reason, you understand, it's just one of those mornings. Elvis on the stereo, Captain Morgan in the coffee mug. You know how it is sometimes.

We're reminiscing fondly, in our plastered condition, about last year's trip to Iceland, that land of not quite milk and honey but certainly excellent plumbing and endless hot water. Our regular readers will remember that an anonymous benefactor sponsored a research trip to Iceland last year, which was hugely exciting and educational. (Read more here, here, here, here, here and here (bloody hell, that's a lot of Icelandic toilet pictures, actually).)

Let's get cracking before we sober up! Ho, ho, ho, here are the pictures from Þjóðdminjasafn Íslands (that is, the Icelandic National Museum) in Reykjavík!

Does one BARK with joy at the beauty and stylishness of these taps?
One does! WOOF!

If there's one thing Icelandic people know how to do well, it's rotten shark, pony schnapps, and toilets!
Three. That's three things. Let's continue.

Who're you gonna call?

Can't remember if we liked this or not. What do you think?

Well, wasn't that just spiffing! Hurrah for Iceland! And many thanks, again, to our generous benefactor! We give these toilets a hundred thousand points! Woof!

Related Reading
Power Trip: Hellisheiðarvirkjun

A Christmas Story: Egils saga

Post-Christmas Stupor

Fabulous Glamour at Fiskarmarkaðurinn

Snyrt, Snyrt: Landnámssýningin
Blue Lagoon: Blissful Bathing, Bloody Awful Toilet Doors

Hwæt! For Better Or for Worse, Whether There Is a Toilet-Roll Holder Or Not, Etc.

We're gearing up for Christmas* at the Privy Counsel, and what with the days being somewhat dim at this time of year**, we find ourselves reminiscing about sunnier, more carefree times***. Like Danish Friend's and Intellectual Friend's wedding, for instance! The memorable and stupendously festive wedding feast took place at Nørre Vosborg Manor, a classy establishment richly equipped with delicious cheese, wine, and cake. Let us cheer ourselves up with pictures from the toilets, and relive this stupendously joyous day!

* Drinking unsuitable amounts of very vulgar beverages.
** As Tudor Friend put it, it's "darker than the inside of a cow".
*** Entering a downward spiral of craziness.

WOOF!
Ok, so there's no toilet-roll holder, but WHO CARES?
It's a DANISH TOILET, and two of our favourite people JUST GOT MARRIED!

BAM!
Seriously, guys. Check out the mixer tap.

KHAZAM!
We just adore Danish toilets!

Clear signage.
(So useful after the sixth glass of wine!)

There was a very confusing Ye Olde Worlde kitchen right outside the toilets.
Did it remind us of something? You bet it did!

Home, hearth and coffee pot.
An emblem of Danish Friend's and Intellectual Friend's life together!
(May there be lots of scones!)

"Vaj nu, Dannebrog, på voven."
Not the wedding cake, but Another Eminently Festive Cake!

Ah, Denmark! Country of mermaids, cheese, booze and seriously excellent toilets! Just thinking about it brings a warm glow to the heart!

Our very heartiest congratulations to Danish Friend and Intellectual Friend on tying the knot and generally being awesome people! Let's finish with a festive video:


Luckily, this didn't happen. Or did it?


Related Reading
The Early Stages of Danish Friend's and Intellectual Friend's Romance
The Marriage Is Announced
The Marriage Is Announced Again
Third Time, for Luck
All the Weddings We Have Ever Been To (one of which involved, memorably, the cleanest toilet we have ever had to pleasure of throwing up in)
All Posts about Danish Friend
All Posts about Intellectual Friend
A Note on the Danish Language

Alpine Escapism

 We don't know if there's a heatwave where you are, but Privy Counsel HQ is fairly sweltering. We can't sleep, and people have thoughtfully infested the water at our local beach with e-coli. What to do, what to do? Well, one can always dream of cooler places - why not the French Alps? We had a look through German Friend's pictures, in a fit of escapism, and found these beauties.

Mountain toilets: peaceful solitude!

Rustic simplicity: the only reminder of the urban
hustle and bustle is German Friend's wristwatch.

Being fond of blue plastic tubes, we find this totally praiseworthy.

If you liked the look of these mountain toilets you'll be pleased to know that there are more coming! We may have mentioned that there has been a wedding among the ranks of the Privy Counsellors. This wedding, we may as well tell you, involved Intellectual Friend, who writes, from Norway:

"We might be on a honeymoon but we're not entirely idle: after a three-hour-long steep climb we have discovered a good old wooden toilet, 'upp å fjella'! High definition pics of the most idyllically situated rough toilet in Norway to follow soon! ('Soon' is NOT to be taken here in its etymological sense of 'immediately' (Old English sona).) (In fact, here it probably shouldn't be taken in its modern sense either.)"

Related Reading
Remembering to Breathe
On Her Majesty's Privy Service

On the Tiles

As our favourite linguist likes to say, "One mustn't be too hard on oneself". The pressure has been high at Privy Counsel HQ of late; we have been rushing not just hither, but also thither, in addition to numerous other directions. In a fit of escapism, we went in search of the subjunctive, in the sense "another possible world (of desires, dreams, etc.), as in main clause optatives and in counterfactual conditionals". In other words, we went out on the tiles! So vigorously did we carouse on the tiles, in fact, that at the end of the night there were no tiles left. The evidence is visible below.

Whoever decimated these tiles did a thorough job.

That's some hardcore ventilation, yo!
We can only assume that this apparatus was installed
to get rid of the alcoholic fumes.

This sturdy pipe is the only thing still standing.

A scene of carnage: a wild animal and what appears to be a dead rat.

We had a very enjoyable time on the tiles, dancing the night away and generally carousing and also, to a certain extent, cavorting. As the proprietor of this now tile-less toilet is prone to political spasms, we thought we might also present to our readers a bathroom-related political rant (because after all life is often a serious business, tile-decimating rioting notwithstanding):

Festive video - Not the Nine o'Clock News, Conservative Party Politics

Thought-provoking, wasn't it? This level of lunacy is, in our opinion, not surprising in a country where people deliberately, wantonly, install separated taps.

The tiles - get on them!!
Image from deliciousdance.

Related Reading
Academic Excesses
Snýrt, Snýrt: Landnámssýningin
What Goes Around Comes Around
We Receive a Postcard
Blogging Something Rotten
Mr Smith wielding a meat cleaver, in a manner not unlike that of the Conservative Party: Delirium Tremens - We Indulge in paranoid Halloween Horror