Bitches Love Pemberleys - Festchrift to Tudor Friend

Friends, it is time for a Festschrift! As you know, rather like the way fat Tory landowners in Georgian times got made Members of Parliament when they reached a certain weight, we write Festschrifts for our friends when they have wandered through the groves of Academe long enough to not only have got hopelessly lost, but acquired terrible blisters and chronic insomnia - and a PhD!

The latest person among our acquaintance to pass her viva with flying colours is Tudor Friend! Our sincerest contrafibularities to that ragingly intellectual cheese aficionado! Tudor Friend is the kind of person who always understands exactly what you mean, and we can honestly say that we would have gone properly batshit crazy on at least four separate occasions without her support, counsel and wisdom. We like to think of ourselves as fiercely logical, well-balanced people here at the Privy Counsel, but right now we are feeling positively emotional. Let us quickly move on before we say anything soppy.

What better way to celebrate Tudor Friend's achievement than by feasting our eyes on pictures of some charming toilets we came across in an old cinema in Malmö, Sweden! We accompanied some young persons to Amnesty Day in this location one wet day in October. It was a most illuminating event, and taught everyone present something about the importance of never ceasing the fight for human rights. If you happen to be feeling combative at the moment, by the way, we heartily recommend the Amnesty Write For Rights campaign, in which one writes letters or Christmas cards to political prisoners to express one's solidarity.

We actually found ourselves wondering, when using this toilet, what Tudor Friend would make of the retro chain and general air of British-people-with-bristling-moustaches-keeping-their-lips-stiff-and-upper-while-using-greaseproof-paper-as-bog-roll.

Do we recognise this sign from anywhere? Why, HELLZ YES!

Rather charming, if cumbersome, taps.

When we asked Tudor Friend what theme she wanted for her Festschrift, she replied:

All I can really say is "I like mixer taps as much as the next girl... Pemberley more than most bitches... and I REALLY love me some cheese!" (A friend once asked me for "Mr Darcy carved out of cheese" for Christmas. But I think a cheese Pemberley would win.)

Thus today's Festive Video, in Tudor Friend's Honour, is of the ragingly intelligent Elizabeth Bennet singing an aria from The Marriage of Figaro, possibly our favourite opera, to a handsome man in a cravat. Unfortunately the video cuts off just as Mr Darcy is about to stride manfully up and down the gallery at Pemberley, thinking of Miss Bennet, while his dogs pad along behind him. Woof!

Festive Video - Elizabeth Bennet singing an English version of Voi che sapete, from Mozart's The Marriage of Figaro, in the 1995 BBC dramatisation of Pride and Prejudice.

Related Reading
All posts featuring Tudor Friend
All posts featuring Festschrifts
All posts featuring Malmö
If you, too, enjoy Mozart operas, you may like the following posts:
Tod und Verzweiflung, But Also a Rampant (If Temporary) Triumph
Up in the Air - Introducing Exuberant Archaeologist Friend

Hungover Ranting: Festschrift to Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend

The Privy Counsel has a proud history of festschrifts.* Our friends being so rampantly intellectual, there are more doctors** among them than you could shake a stick at,*** and we have decided that each friend who earns a PhD deserves a festschrift.****

Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend got her PhD quite a while ago - we can't actually remember when, though we do remember being dead jealous of how fetching she looked in her cap and gown. Here is her festschrift!

We actually have an agenda here, too. Unisex toilets in bars. What the hell is it with unisex toilets in bars? We know that Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend is with us when we say that this nuisance must cease! Let's do a dramatisation of the problem for you, based on real-life events.

One is in a great pub. After a couple of pints and a highly satisfactory discussion of Héloïse and Abélard, suitable names for the dogs of mad-as-spanners academics, and the archaeological merits of Saint Helena, one feels the need to heed the call of nature. One finally stumbles into the toilets, having skulked around for quite some time trying to find the sign pointing to them and having barged into a) the cleaning cupboard, and b) the kitchen (containing surly chef; really awkward) in the process. One finally, as previously mentioned, stumbles into the toilets, only to stumble right out again, horrified, because there are two dudes in beards in there. 

One lurches in horror. One thinks, panicked, that one must be much drunker than one thought, since one has obviously missed the time-honoured gender separation sign, and careened heedlessly into the men's toilets. One grabs onto the wall for support, and looks around, unnerved. There is no "Ladies" sign. Nor a "Gents" one. There is - horror of horrors - a unisex toilet! 

One minces back in, warily. The dudes in beards smile awkwardly. While one is ensconced in one's cubicle, trying to suppress one's mounting panic, one hears several other people stumbling back and forth, confusedly, trying to work out if the toilet is indeed a unisex one. 

It is the most unnecessarily cringe-worthy situation mankind has put itself in since - hell, we can't even think of a historical equivalent, it is that bloody awful. 

One washes one's hands quickly, shifting out of the way so another hipster dude can reach the paper towels, wishing one could take the time to adjust one's make-up properly, and spray one's hair, but not wanting to appear inordinately appearance-obsessed in front of the fifteen hipster dudes in beards and denim shirts who have suddenly appeared and are crowding the sink, all smiling awkwardly.

THIS NUISANCE MUST CEASE.

Don't get us wrong - we are committed to smashing the patriarchy and dissolving restrictive gender stereotypes. But we don't want to have to share a toilet with fifteen awkwardly smiling hipster dudes in beards and denim shirts. 

So, on that note, we have selected a set of weird toilets, where the cubicles look like Guantánamo Bay cells, but which are blessed with CLEAR GENDER SEGREGATION, to celebrate Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend. Ladies and gentlemen (and Jonny): the toilets at Kulturværftet in Elsinore!

*We have two, so far. (Three, with this one.) Read them here.
** Of the not-useful-in-an-emergency, non-medical kind.
***We don't recommend shaking a stick at any of them. Their overeducated state renders them highly strung and nervous.
****Well, some of them, anyway, on an arbitrary basis,  unless we're too drunk to remember.

It's even blue. No confusing, gender-neutral beige, black or green. This signage couldn't be clearer.
Did we mention before that WE ADORE CLEAR SIGNAGE?

Ok, so actually the signage is revolting, but at least it isn't confusing, right?

This sink was functional and blessed with mixer taps, and there wasn't a single bearded hipster dude crowding it.

Air-dryer.

Danes, like Swedes, do good toilets but are strangers to the polite subjunctive.
Strangers, in fact, to politeness as a concept.
"Close the door when you leave!"

A sturdy, confidence-inspiring lock and handle.

Concrete is actually a very unhygienic material for a toilet.
It looks quite cool in a post-apocalyptic way though, right?
The toilet roll holder is from Tork, of which we approve.

A ventilation pipe!
And, for unknown reasons, a cage-like structure to ensure toilet-goers don't escape.

Safe disposal of all one's old razor blades and syringes.
Finally, a chance to empty one's pockets of detritus and old needles!

A water-saving flush!

Well, that's that, folks. Be careful with unisex toilets!

Oh, except for the festive video, of course. Here's a special song for Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend, that we know she's a fan of!

Festive video - Lucinda Williams, Come On

Related Reading
Our friend Jane's latest rampantly intellectual blog post, called Interdisciplinarity: It's Not a Dirty Word
A toilet that we know Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend is very fond of:
Let's Get Medieval - King's Manor, York
All posts incorporating Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Plumbing) Friend
Other toilets in Elsinore:
Festive Things That Are Red
The Royal Toilet at Kronborg: "A Foul and Pestilent Congregation of Vapours."

In other news:
CHRISTMAS IS COMING
Have you considered turning your back on mindless consumerism and instead benefiting mankind by spending a penny on Oxfam Unwrapped, WaterAid, or ToiletTwinning? Or why not donate to Amnesty International, or your local women's shelter?

Kicking Anglo-Saxon Arse: Festschrift to Shewee Fiend Friend

It suddenly struck us that we had missed a trick. We really, really needed to get off our arses and get to grips with the festschrift situation.

Remember the festschrift to Intellectual Friend, that we wrote to mark the occasion of him finishing his PhD and moving on to power and glory? Well, strike us pink with a stuffed flamingo, although Intellectual Friend is the proprietor of, probably, the keenest intellect this side of Hogwarts, actually all our friends are packing serious weight in the intellectual department, and Intellectual Friend is far from the only one to be boasting possession of a doctoral degree. Shewee Fiend Friend, for instance, that wonder of charm, strident feminism, shewee enthusiasm and cerebral excellence, has been consistently kicking Anglo-Saxon arse, and recently gained her PhD. Congratulations, Shewee Fiend Friend!

A suitable toilet to dedicate to Shewee Fiend Friend is the rather spiffing one in the social sciences faculty library at Lund University, the splendidly named Sambib. Here one can find authors such as de Beauvoir, Bland, Jackson, Pankhurst, Showalter, Walkowitz, and others, who tend to crop up in our hugely enjoyable conversations with Shewee Fiend Friend.

(Due to the sheer mindboggling awesomeness of Shewee Fiend Friend, these toilets have been struck sideways. Consider their horizontal position as an intellectual puzzle, to strengthen and fortify your mind. If you find the sideways perspective refreshing, there are more lateral loos here and here.)

The whole thing's a bit messy and the state of the bog roll is, obviously, wretched, but we actually really like these toilets. They have a friendly, intellectual atmosphere, and are usually very clean.
We have never encountered any urine on the floor here.

Using the mixer taps in this toilet is like going for a pint with Shewee Fiend Friend: a sheer bloody pleasure.
The soap is from Tork and is very nice.

Saving the best for last: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A TOTALLY FUCKING AMAZING COAT HOOK?
Even if it's a rainy Tuesday in November and you have a) a hangover, b) a coat smelling of wet dog, and c) a rucksack full of books weighing approximately 18 kilos, you could still fit all your gear on this coat hook, be able to get on with your business, and enjoy washing your hands in the lovely sink TOTALLY WITHOUT WORRYING.
There is only one appropriate response here, and that response is HUBBA HUBBA.
May Shewee Fiend Friend's career be rich in helpful and functional coat hooks!

King Alfred the Great was handy with a sword, but he also enjoyed reading
and (probably) cosy dinners at home, long walks and pottery.

Have we got a festive video to celebrate Shewee Fiend Friend's achievement? You bet your Anglo-Saxon arse we do.



Festive video: Loretta Lynn, The Pill

Related Reading
Lund university Library: Festschrift to Intellectual Friend
SISTERS STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES
In Which We Indulge in a Feminist Rant and, of Course, Incontinence
Shewee Fiend Friend on male incontinence: (Don't) Aim for the stars
All posts about Caitlin Moran
The Vagenda
The Everyday Sexism Project

Lund University Library: Festschrift to Intellectual Friend

It is customary, in academic circles, to honour scholars with what is called a festschrift when they reach a certain age or level of deafness. While we have no idea how old Intellectual Friend is (although we have a sneaking suspicion that his birthday falls during the slightly less dark and shadowy part of the year), and seriously doubt that he knows himself, we think he deserves a festschrift, firstly, for being such a loyal and hardworking contributor to the Privy Counsel, secondly, for generously providing moral support and spiritual solace to those in need, and, thirdly, for being made a Doctor of Philosphy!
Congratulations, Intellectual Friend!
We happened to be visiting the Lund University Library recently, and thought that the toilet on the top floor there made a suitably festive subject for a festschrift.

On first entering this holy of holies, we were annoyed that the light didn't work. On second thoughts,
we realised it was probably best that way, considering that one is on view to the outside world. Here one can sit and ponder, if one is so inclined, etymological mysteries, elves, trolls, and perhaps ale, while the people in the building opposite contemplate one's physical peculiarities. An ideal arrangement.

Close-up of the utterly charming window and its view

The toilet in all its glory. Oooh, look at the glory stick there, in its glory-stick holder.

Once again we find ourselves simultaneously horrified and delighted. Horrified by the scary hand-dryer,
delighted by the thoughtfully provided drinking cups. (Toilet blogging requires nerves of steel.)

We have this annoying feeling that "old soap" is supposed to be good for something...

The Lund University Library is housed in a magnificent Victorian brick building,
rich in nooks, crannies, books, and toilets. Image from Reseguiden

 This is clearly too solemn an occasion to bother about mundane things like points. Aallatti!!!

Related Reading:
Some of our favourite Intellectual Friend-related posts:
Blurry, Lopsided Archive Musings
The Intellectual Streak Continues: Leeds University Library Bogs, or, Yorkshire Graffitti

Gleeful Antics at Grays Court

A Toilet Mystery

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AIR-DRYERS!
Cuteness, Intellectual Solace, and a Correction
Another Festshrift:
Kicking Anglo-Saxon Arse - Festschrift to Shewee Fiend Friend