Captivating Pictures

Tally-ho and a jolly good International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women to you! In case you are currently scratching your armpits, wondering what the hell such a day is in aid of, ponder the fact that one in three women worldwide has been subjected to physical or sexual violence. We have lit a candle for the survivors of domestic violence - and those who have died.

Gender roles may make people fucked up beyond belief, but we continue our quest, at the Privy Counsel, to highlight how awesome people can be. Mr Smith, for instance, sent us a message that made us laugh so loud we worried the window panes might shatter! That estimable and ventilation-aware gentleman writes:

A selection of toilet facilities courtesy of the state of California's federal penitentiary: Alcatraz

Enjoy...!

Alcatraz! Toilets! Alcatraz toilets!!!

 Dragon-Hunter Friend, also, has been busy on the epistolary front. She writes:

In Malaysia, I've discovered that you have to hope you end up with this...

Malaysian toilet

...and not this.

Malaysian squat toilet.

When I landed, the first toilet I found at the airport was the latter kind...looked all new and shiny, but was hiding the scary truth behind closed doors

 Because we happened to be quite drunk when the missive arrived, we replied enthusiastically:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Asian toilets are AWESOME! So much more hygienic, when you think about it, than sitting on a seat that thousands of people have sat on! And you get a free Pilates workout! 

Dragon-Hunter Friend replied: 

Haha maybe so, but when you're carrying luggage around, and there's just a hole in the ground....lets just say my aim is not so true  ;)

We retorted with:

Eh. I used one in Italy, wearing ski boots, with a recently-torn-to-shreds knee ligament. It's all a matter of determination. 

Dragon-Hunter Friend's final reply was:

Haha

I think I've just got too many memories from French motorway stations when I was little, and getting my socks wet

Which is totally fair enough. NO TO WET SOCKS!

Just say no!

Finally, we have received a letter asking for advice. It says:

Dear Privy Counsel 
I have recently become a manager for the first time, and one of my subordinates is spending an inordinate amount of time on the toilet. How do I broach the subject? I mean, it could be anything from an unputdownable novel, to Chrohn's disease! Then again, perhaps this person has, at almost middle age, still not learnt to regulate his bowels. Please help.

We're fucked if we know. Thoughts? Any advice from our estimable and intelligent readers?

We've got a special treat in honour of International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women - a kick-arse song from a kick-arse Australian metal band called The Amazons! This band doesn't exist any more, alas, but from what we've heard they took a lot of shit, while they were around, from men who felt threatened by their kick-arseness. So let's play this video, while snarling like the unapologetically awesome, lip-glossed drummer, and vow to SMASH THE PATRIARCHY YEAH. 

Festive video - The Amazons, Celluloid


Related Reading
Our post on violence against women

How to avoid ending up with wet socks

Our previous post showing prison toilets: When a Voice Behind Me Whispered Low, “That Fellow's Got to Swing” - Australian Friend Visits Beechworth Gaol

All posts featuring Mr Smith

All posts featuring Dragon-Hunting Friend

Laura Bates on violence against women: Women are being assaulted, abused and murdered in a sea of misogyny 

An awesome movement: The White Ribbon Campaign

   

When a Voice Behind Me Whispered Low, “That Fellow's Got to Swing” - Australian Friend Visits Beechworth Gaol

Sometimes the suffocating angst of existence gets too much, and one has to remind oneself that it could, actually, be worse. Personally we like to perform this philosophical exercise while banging our head on the table and/or consuming alcohol, but other methods reportedly work just as well. If one happens not to be in jail, for instance, one may meditate on the joys of comparative freedom. Likewise, if one has access to plumbing, that is one mega reason for being grateful. Truth be told, if you are blessed with adequate sanitation, you're pretty damn lucky.

Australian Friend visited Beechworth Gaol some time ago, and kindly sent us pictures, along with this rousing description:

A selection of toilets from Beechworth Gaol! Toilets were only installed at the prison in 1993. Prior to that, there was no plumbing whatsoever, and prisoners had a bucket for a toilet, a bucket for washing, and a bucket for drinking (per prisoner). It was pitch black at night, and cells were overcrowded. You can imagine the state of the buckets. 

Now, this gaol was one of the toughest prisons in Victoria, and was colloquially known as the Beechworth Breaker (prisoners were often sent here to have their spirits broken). It was the site of eight hangings (one of whom sounded like an innocent man). Our beloved Ned Kelly was imprisoned here, as was his mother (they were an Irish Catholic working class family bullied by the English Protestant police force, after one of the coppers tried to rape Ned's 13 year-old sister and his mother tried to protect her daughter by hitting the cop with a cast iron frying pan... it's a long story). 

Ok so the OTHER thing you will like to hear is that our beloved Chopper Read spent time in the Beechworth Breaker, and his best friend was the prisoner in charge of the gaol kitchen. There have been ghost sightings and hearings (seems to be an 1800s prison guard who never clocked off) but sadly I didn't manage to capture anything paranormal in my photos. 

 The toilet that is a hole in the ground is the one from solitary confinement.

This would have been an excellent opportunity for the zealous 19th-century prison guard to appear in the mirror. Alas.
Australian Friend says: "This was the nicest, most spacious bathroom in the prison."

Does one's eye spy a dual flush? 

One notes the toilet roll holder with approval

Australian Friend: "Solitary confinement: at least you get your own toilet!"

Australian Friend: "A typical cell and its accoutrements"
Privy Counsellor: "MIXER TAP."

Let us feast our eyes on the prison mixer tap.

Actually, these toilets seem pretty damn adequate in terms of being functional. Since Beechworth Gaol is now a museum, one has of course no inkling of any smells which may have once haunted the place along with the various ghosts, but at least each cell has its own crapper. If you've seen Orange is the New Black, you will know that having one's own toilet is a luxury, and further that hygienic conditions at Riverhead correctional facility in Suffolk County, New York, are appalling.

However, let us stay with Beechworth Gaol a bit longer. This is where we once again stray into the territory of the epistolary novel (see previous epistolary posts here and here): below is an extract from a communicative online exchange between us and Australian Friend. (Please not that it has been heavily censored and edited and may therefore come across as more incoherent even than it was to begin with.)

Privy Counsellor: [Australian Friend] my gal, you are a true friend. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Australian Friend: I risked attack by ghost!

it was so sad we saw the gallows

and this prisoner (he was quite handsome) chose his last words to be "As god is my witness I am an innocent man". I wanted to send him a supernatural hug. 

Ned Kelly didn't say that! 

he said "Such is life" 

they were such arseholes to Ned 

THEY ONLY JUST GAVE HIM A PROPER BURIAL, LAST WEEK 

he died over a hundred years ago 

and someone stole his head from the Old Melbourne Gaol, and nobody knows who's got it.

[...] oh my gosh! I'm looking at a paranormal website and they're talking about how a lot of people have been fainting on the tours through Beechworth Gaol, and it's been at the gallows 

"We have had a spate of people fainting or near fainting at or near the gallows where 8 were hanged. I thought initially it was the heat, but the gaol was only about 25 degrees inside. Today inside the gaol just 16 degrees and yet another went down.  Just a few steps from the gallows and a girl about 20 went out like a light, with no warning whatsoever. This makes 9 people since Sunday. Is this just a pure coincidence, or is something going on here. Your thoughts please."

 *just registering with paranormal chat room so I can comment*

[...] I stumbled through the town, as one might stumble through the Australian landscape, when one's untied horse has absconded 

and at one point found myself in a B-grade museum, where I saw many badly taxidermied animals. 

many of which were endangered and/or extinct species 

*fuck you, English colonists*

On that rebellious note of anti-colonial sentiment, let's finish with a festive video.

You knew what was coming, didn't you?



Festive video: Elvis Presley, Jailhouse Rock

Related Reading

All previous posts in which we mention Chopper Read or the mantra Harden the Fuck Up:
A Festive Update
HTFU, Melbourne City Council!
Pushing for Cultural Diversity (Australian Friend was instrumental in creating this post - thank you, Australian Friend!)
HTFU - Wipe for Wildlife
Toilet Paper - It's Time to HTFU

Random rad stuff from Australia:
Why Today Is a Toiletally Important Day
Happy Birthday, Australian Friend!

Another instance of our lackadaisical quotation from dead English poets:
Ah! well-a-day!

The Old Ballcock and Chain, or, An Open-and-Shut Case, or, The Long Tap Lever of the Law

We have made it clear on many occasions that we in no way support any kind of criminal activity, and that all members of the Privy Counsel are, usually, extremely law-abiding. We're not saying there haven't been lapses. There was, for instance, that time we were chased round Golden Square in Soho by police officers wanting, perfectly reasonably, to dissuade us from engaging in public urination. But usually, when we haven't been drinking champagne with French people, we are devoted to public order and decency.
However, parts of the Counsel recently had business inside a police station. Don't ask why, and we'll tell you no lies. Anyway, that money was just resting in our account.

Sturdy, functional, and disability-friendly:
one would expect nothing less of a government authority toilet.

An extended lever on the tap
ensures disability-friendliness.
Hygeia nods approvingly and gargles.

We have no idea what this says,
but we're assuming it's a special corner
set aside for people who wish to reflect on their wrongdoings.

How can one do anything other than
erupt in wild applause at the sight
of such a sturdy door and lock?

We're totally shooting from the hip here, but we'd give this toilet probably a twelve, since we're feeling all giddy and light-headed after escaping with a mere caution.

Related Reading 
Posts about how law-abiding the Privy Counsel is:
Sisters Standing Up for Themselves
The Mysterious Forbidden Lavatories of Manchester
A Morally Improving Story for World Toilet Day
A Cautionary Tale About What Happens When You Disrespect the Law:
Taking Our Baths and Our Women
Shewees Are a Girl's Best Friend!