A Much-Needed History Lesson for the Great Unwashed

We naturally assume that all our readers are wild-eyed barbarians, and need all the help they can get when it comes to hygiene and education. We are therefore extra thrilled today to announce that we have received a hot tip about a fun, light-hearted, yet educational tv programme, suited to a wide range of intelligence levels. It is called If Walls Could Talk, and one episode is devoted to the bathroom. Lucy Worsley, chief curator of the historic royal palaces, takes us on a jaunty caper through bathrooms of different ages.
If you have already washed all your linen with lye and urine today, and happen to have the luxury of a lazy Sunday with nothing to do, this delightful programme can be viewed on the BBC iplayer.

This woman has got the right idea

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Other Posts About Lucy Worsley
Joy in the Morning, Afternoon, and Well into the Night: Caitlin Moran in a Bathroom

Toilet Song - Hitting the Bathtub Gin with Amy

Privy Counsel Pin-Up: Katy Perry

A Bog Roll Article Was Overdue

It's Christmas. Yes, it is. It is no use trying to deny it; September is well advanced and therefore, in the eyes of the giant, scaly monster we call Retail, it is now Christmas. Christmas makes us think of trees, and trees make us think of toilet roll.

Velvet - "not too bad" (revolting cutesy design with golden-haired child notwithstanding)

We're working our way through the FSC-labelled toilet roll in our local supermarket. A recent candidate was Velvet. We have a very low opinion of bog roll companies, and so take the ecological friendliness of Velvet's claim to "replant three for every tree they use" with a barrelful of salt. However, viewing the list on the Ethical Consumer website, Velvet ranks 8.5, about the middle of the scale, below Andrex but above Nouvelle.
In an article by WWF, SCA, the company behind Velvet, is given the dubious credential of coming out top in a survey of the eco-friendlieness of tissue companies, in a report which concluded that none of the major European tissue companies use enough recycled fibre (n.b. the article is from 2005).

So we suppose the overall eco-friendly mark for Velvet is "not too bad".

The crucial FSC label

The Privy Counsel Book Club: Dissolution

Intellectual Friend is back in our good books after doing us an undisclosed favour, and we now feel perky enough to tell you about a most exciting book we've read recently. It's a historical whodunnit set in 16th-century England, called Dissolution, (London, Pan Books 2007) by C. J. Sansom (aren't you dying to know what the C. J. stands for?).

We've got a treat for you: the main character, the hunchbacked Master Shardlake, is pondering monasterial plumbing:

I passed a row of dovecotes, beyond which a large pond surrounded by reeds could be seen.  It was a stewpond, dug out for the keeping and breeding of fish.  The little stream flowed into it before running through a small culvert under the rear wall a little way off.  There was a heavy wooden gate nearby.  Monasteries, I recalled, were always built by a stream to carry away waste.  The early monks were clever plumbers; there was probably some arrangement to divert the waste to prevent it befouling the fish pond. (161)

There are all kinds of goings-on in the monasterial privies as well, but we'll leave it to you to find out what!

Finnish Mania: Despite Negligence, We Forgive Intellectual Friend

Intellectual Friend has, in a feat of unrivalled toilet negligence, still not sent us any Icelandic toilet photographs. However, he sent us a picture of a Finnish public toilet instead! Being mere lowly toilet chroniclers, we're not picky and have hardly any dignity. Therefore we forgive all and caper with joy in a most pathetic manner. Here's Intellectual Friend's intellectually valid story of a Finnish bog! Hurrah!

Helsinki public toilet, à la Minas Morgul

Fascinating how this toilet mania can spread freely and unhindered (writes Intellectual Friend). After spending just a few days in York with a (by association) occasionally toilet-aware Intellectual person (toilet-aware by association, not intellectual by association), Very Special Friend then travels to Finland for a laudably serious academic purpose and, despite being (heretofore) utterly toilet-unobsessed (as far as a Scandinavian can be that), yet dashes out to a park in Helsinki in the gloomy pre-dawn hours yesterday and sacrifices some of her precious pre-dawn stroll time to go out of her way and take a picture of this disturbing Minas Morgul-style toilet!

On account of having systematically been spoken to in Finnish by the Finns, Very Special Friend had assumed she must look Finnish; however, the explicit expectation displayed on this toilet that both sexes will use urinals made her wonder whether she can really stand up to Finnish women after all.
On account of having systematically been spoken to in Finnish by the Finns, Very Special Friend had assumed she must look Finnish; however, the explicit expectation displayed on this toilet that both sexes will use urinals made her wonder whether she can really stand up to Finnish women after all.
We alleviated this little dismay, though, by discussing the attendant linguistic evidence (just about distinguishable by zooming in). Interesting how the Finnish word, pisuaari, seems to come ostensibly from French, while the Swedish urinoar looks more akin to the English (though both are ultimately from French too, a subsequent OED-helped research reveals; urinal in 12th c. French meant "glass vessel or phial employed to receive urine for medical examination or inspection").
Quite apart from the concept of charging some toilet activities and not others, one can make out (after zooming) and ponder the two trilingual signs "Maksuton / Ingen avgift / Free of charge" and "Maksu / Avgift / Charge". This is of course the occasion to delight in this schoolbook example of the very productive and versatile Finno-Ugric suffixes of negation, in this case -ton.

We are sorely tempted to insert an appalling pun here about how linguistic analysis, like chlamydia testing (see our previous post On the Eighth Day God Created Paratroopers, but He Forgot Soap), is a piece of piss, but we hesitate to offend and upset neurotic readers still in possession of their mental faculties, and so we abstain.

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More Negligence by Intellectual Friend: Bulgaria: An Intellectual Treat
The Icelandic photos did, eventually, arrive. And were they ever worth the wait! Woof! A Splendid Christmas Present: The Best Toilets in Iceland

Rejoice, for We Bring You Another Celebrity Crapper!

Our toilet celebrity has recently moved house (you can view the old toilet here), and we, in our capacity of toilet reviewer to the stars, were naturally invited to view the toilet as soon as it was ready.
Creeping in with our camera, we were overwhelmed by this toilet's loveliness. It is rich in light and ceiling height, and that aura of glamour that celebrity toilets always have pervades every nook and cranny. This is no ordinary crapper - it's a star-dusted celebrity crapper!
We chided our famous dusky beauty, who remains anonymous, for not having mixer taps in the bathroom, casting her suggestion that period properties shouldn't have them on the dungheap, where it belongs! We would go so far as to say "pish and piffle" to that idea! Also "stuff and nonsense". Be that as it may, there is at least a mixer tap in the kitchen, a picture of which we include below to calm and reassure sensitive, high-strung readers.
Let the loveliness begin!

A vision of loveliness

The sink. Hygeia, naturally, frowns at the separated taps and has to fight the urge to rip them out with her teeth

Regular readers will recognise these prints

A lovely toilet...

...and it's got a water-saving flush!

A saucy print from the Arabian Nights, adding that je ne sais quoi so essential to the celebrity bathroom

Many, many mirrors! Eight of them, in fact.

The kitchen mixer tap. You can all breathe again now.

All in all we enjoyed our latest celebrity toilet jaunt very much, and look forward to bringing you many more in future!

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Celebrity Toilet Premiere
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For more mirror bedazzlement: 
Czech Mate (Yeah, Yeah, We Know, Sorry)

On the Eighth Day God Created Paratroopers, But He Forgot the Soap

Yesterday we donned our favourite tweeds and went for a brisk stroll in the countryside. The weather was bracing, with the feisty hurricane Katia in mischievous mood. We enjoyed the scenery, just outside the little village of Catterick, very much; there was an abundance of moorland, woods, pine trees, juniper bushes, etc, to gladden the eye and put a song in the heart of even the most cantankerous old sergeant-major. A legion or so of strapping young men in uniform lined the way, cheering us on during our outing - most invigorating!
If you hadn't guessed already, we happened to be taking part in the Paras 10 race at Catterick Garrison, in aid of the Parachute Regiment charity! It was a fantastic day, and we recommend the experience warmly to anyone who likes running, or who just likes pain.

We've got some exciting interiors of a disability toilet to show you, as well as a portaloo!

The disabled toilet at Catterick garrison: Most clean and hygienic, with plenty of space.

A mixer tap and paper towels! However, there was no soap. Also, note the paper towel already scrunched up and discarded in an odd place, due to the lack of a bin. (Hygeia frowns.)

One can only applaud this military anti-bacterial campaign

We love NHS posters aimed at the military! Getting tested for chlamydia is "a piece of piss" apparently!

Getting tested is easier than you think

A close-up of the mixer tap, because we loved it!

Unfortunately, despite the admirable cleanliness and the mixer tap, this toilet only earns 1 measly point, due to the lack of soap, bin, coathook and toilet roll holder! The lack of a bin actually had comical consequences, as at the end of the day there was a pile of paper towels reaching halfway to the ceiling in one corner! One pities whoever was on latrine duty that day...

Now for the portaloo.

Early in the day and the portaloo is well stocked with bog roll, paper towels and soap

Hygienic paper towels

The toilet. Perfectly civilised, if somewhat muddy - perfectly understandable

The amount of toilet roll needed was seriously underestimated

The portaloo gets 4 points. Though there wasn't nearly enough toilet paper for all the runners, the loos were clean (at least during the early part of the day) and smelled very pleasantly of eucalyptus!

All in all, we had a smashing time at Catterick. The scenery really was astounding, and the Paras had put up cheering signs along the way, with slogans such as "Train hard - fight easy" and "On the eighth day God created paratroopers, and the Devil stood to attention". The pain is temporary and the mud was easy to wash off.

Book Club: Cocoa and Corsets

 Today we continue our book club with a riveting read called Cocoa & Corsets (Her Majesty's Stationery Office, London 1984) by Michael Jubb. It contains amusing and quite often disturbing advertisement posters from the Victorian and Edwardian eras.

This was a time when both hygiene and advertising were developing and branching out into previously unimaginable directions. Nobody used soap much before the 19th century - some people still don't!
 

Soap fit for a queen: Robert Brown's White Windsor Soap, 1885. "Purest for infants and persons with delicate skin, promoting a beautiful complexion."

Handwashing is not a recent obsession: Royd Chaffeur Soap, 1907

It took a while for London's water companies to get their hygiene right. One imagines one would be pretty pissed off if, after paying one's water bill, one ended up with cholera! East London Water Consumers' Defence Association, 1898