Hygiene in the Fabled Orient

We're feeling quietly confident today, and are therefore treating our readers to a view of the toilets at Abu Dhabi airport! Our treatment does not allow for a full review, alas, but note the funky shower - more on those later!

Om shanti!

Editor's note: do have a look at more toilet showers here.

The Privy Counsel Joins the Mile-High Club!

Dear bog blog readers,

We're back! At the moment, we are undergoing some very painful medical treatment in India, but we will attempt to bring you the odd toilet update in between screams of pain. (We'd love to slag off the toilets at the clinic we're staying at, but alas, they're faultlessly clean.)

Let's begin with the toilet on the plane, shall we?

Beige - what's not to love?

These pictures are from our second attempt to use the facilities. The first toilet we entered had obviously been used by someone who has never had to clean a toilet in his life (we're assuming that it takes a man to accomplish the task of pissing on the floor). This one, however, was clean.

The toilet roll was plain white and covered. The water was a pleasant temperature, and the soap smelled very nice. There were serviettes as well as hand towels. Our journey is now a while ago, but we remember being impressed by the handlotion provided!

Thankfully, in view of the poor toilet-navigational skills of some of the passengers, there was a coat-hoook on the door, saving one the distress of having to put one's bag on the floor.

We love the nifty airplane handwash arrangements

How many toilets have a view this spectacular?!

We may be slightly delusional with pain, but even though we're awarding a zero for cleanness (average between +1 for clean and -1 for piss all over the floor, i. e. dirty), we've ended up with 12 points, thanks to the photo-cell tap, water-saving flush, handlotion and sturdy coat-hook!

Yes! 12 points! Congratulatons to Etihad Airways!

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A Festive Update
Toilet Song: Rock'n'Roll Toilet

Gettin' Vengeful with Gandhi

Dear blog readers,

Having survived our Lake District trip and brought you pictures of the best toilet in England (know a better one? E-mail us at theprivycounsellor@gmail.com!), we embark on our next adventure, which will take us away from the damp, plumbing-challenged British isles for some considerable time. Internet access may be patchy, but don't despair - we anticipate feeling the effects of Gandhi's Revenge, also known as the Delhi Belly, to a not inconsiderable extent, and look forward to bringing you updates on this subject. Also, we are sure to come across some amusing and bizarre toilets to post pictures of.

In the meantime, check your pipes regularly!

Café Treff, Ambleside: The Best Toilet in England!

 Café Treff is a gem of a café, situated in the centre of Ambleside. We have long regarded the toilet here as the best in the country.

We have been coming to the Lake District for years but, not being enthusiastic to the point of hysteria about trudging up hills in hail storms, pouring rain, blizzards and various other unpleasant phenomena caused by the weather gods' tantrums, we tend to end up enjoying the friendly atmosphere of this very cosy establishment instead.

The cheesy vaseline effect on the camera lens is actually caused by cold, wet weather

According to the website, the pleasant, light interior, rich in natural wood, is explained by the owners' wish to recreate the feel of an Austrian café. This is a welcome sight in a country populated almost exclusively by people suffering from a pathological inability to abstain from ruining perfectly good wood by applying a variety of ghastly stains and paints.

The toilet, like the rest of the café, is light and airy. The tiles are white and extremely clean, as indeed are the toilet and the sink.

So clean! And look - oh! joy of joys! - a mixer tap!

A laudable eco-consciousness governs the fittings: a motion sensor turns the lights on as you enter; the excellent mixer tap has a water-saving airstream, still rare in Britain; the paper towels are strong, which fact, combined with a clever dispenser, reduces the need or indeed ability to use too many; and the bin bears a notice saying the contents are recycled. All highly commendable!

An excellent paper-towel dispenser

Nappy users go home!

The soap is pleasantly scented and comes from a Katrin dispenser, like the toilet paper (which is plain white). Most Katrin products have been awarded the Green Swan eco label.

A totally gratuitous picture - pure titillation!

More gratuitousness. The design of this tap is somehow reminiscent of Battlestar Galactica!

Unfortunately there is no coat-hook, but on the other hand the door opens outwards, which means that it is easy to open without touching!

Points: 9/15

Cafe Treff
Central Buildings
Ambleside
LA22 9BS
Telephone 01539 431027
http://www.cafetreff.co.uk

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Advent Adventures: A Revolutionary New Look at the Best Toilet in England
If You Like Sheep and Beer: Why Not Go to the Lake District on Your Next Holiday?

A Message from Your Privy Counsellor

Dear fellow toilet-obsessives,

The blog will be silent for a little while as we're going away, first on a small adventure, then on quite a big adventure that will take us to a land far, far away. However, fear not! We employ ceaseless toilet-related vigilance, and our efforts to bring you moderately amusing toilet information will continue to be unrelenting. What's more, our first adventure will take us to what we remember as the best toilet in England, and our second adventure likewise promises to provide a few bog-related eye-openers!

In the meantime, here's a quote from Absolutely Fabulous to keep you amused:

Eddie: Why do you have to pick on everything I do? Darling, all I want is a few little things, a few little pleasures, a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling.

Saffy: Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility. You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. Someone does your hair, someone chooses what you wear, someone does your brain, someone tells you what to eat, and, three times a week, someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you.

Eddie: It's called colonic irrigation, darling. It's not to be sniffed at.

Saffy: Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people?

Eddie: Is that what you really want me to be, darling? Normal? Some boring, old, normal, old toilet-goer, huh? Hmm? "Where's mummy?" "She's on the toilet." "But I want to go somewhere interesting and meet exciting people." "Well, she can't take you because she's on the bloody toilet." Well, anybody can go to the toilet, darling, these days.

Saffy: Well, they obviously haven't seen you drunk.

(From series 1, Episode 1, Fashion. Written by Jennifer Saunders.)

A Touch of OCD: NHS toilets

 Oh, the NHS! Love 'em or hate 'em, at least they've got super clean toilets! (If you missed our review of the patients' toilets at York hospital, you can read it here.) There's nothing quite like that obsessive-compulsive scent of disinfectants that you encounter in NHS loos. We visited our local GP surgery recently, and thought we'd share our experience.

Cleanliness-wise, we've got no complaints, and discovering that the toilet has a water-saver flush puts a gilt edge on this toilet encounter!

This made our day

However, and this seems to be a theme all of a sudden, there is no toilet-roll holder! There are toilet rolls lying loose on top of the heater, which is not only unhygienic, but also a fire hazard.
The bin (not pictured) is hygienically covered, and pleasantly distanced from the user. The coat-hook is sturdy, as befits a public healthcare coat-hook.

The taps are, predictably, separated, unlike the ones shown in the NHS promotional video for handwashing. However, to make the experience an enjoyable one, there is antibacterial gel as well as soap, and a helpful poster reminding one how to wash one's hands most efficiently. The experience is nicely rounded off with pleasant paper towels, as per NHS guidelines.

It's important to reach into every crevice.

All present and correct

A titillating close-up of the soap and anti-bac gel

Sigh.

Points: 7/15

Royal Oak: We Revisit a Dear Old Pub with New Toilets

We have fond memories of the Royal Oak as a well-meaning but somewhat dirty old pub, and were accordingly excited when we heard that it was being refurbished, and having new toilets installed!
The pub itself looks pretty bloody fabulous, the staff are friendly, and the drinks tasty. All well and good. Considering the fabulousness of the pub, we were expecting great things of the toilets, but alas, we were disappointed.

The toilets look and smell very fancy, thanks to the über-stylish tiles and posh scent sticks. We almost leapt for joy (or maybe it was nerves, from nearly being caught taking pictures in a toilet like a common perv) when we noticed the water-saver flush, but raged impotently when we realised there is no toilet-roll holder, with the result that the toilet rolls are lying loose on top of the toilet (bad), on top of the bin (worse), or on the floor (fully-fledged horror)! The bin is covered and at a not unpleasant distance from the user, and the coat-hook is perfectly adequate.

Hygeia says no and stomps her foot!

Here's what happens when there's
no toilet-roll holder

Has a certain je-ne-sais-quois, or rather,
we know exactly what it is: an octopus!

We expected great things from the sinks, only to be bludgeoned by the baseball bat of disappointment. Why, when installing new sinks and taps, do Brits install separated ones? Why?
The soap is fine, but nothing extraordinary.

Why do British people do this?

There is nothing to dry one's hands with, except this air-dryer, which an informant tells us doesn't work. It's not possible to exit without touching the door handle.

Points: 5/15 (This saddens us. It could have been so much better!)


The Royal Oak
Goodramgate
York, YO1 7LG