Toilet-Going for Dummies

Life has a tendency to kick one in the arse if one lets one's guard down, but that's no excuse not to enjoy a good chuckle. (As the wise man said, "If you can't laugh, what can you do?") Thus we bring you an illustration showing how to use a toilet. Many thanks to Australian Friend for this gem!

Australian friend says: Just thought I'd share the instructions that come
with workplace toilets! (In case you wonder, I work in the headquarters of a major bank).

Mr Smith's Plumbing: An Action-Packed Story

We feel your pain. Not content with the pictures of Mrs Smith's bathroom, you have been aching, yes aching, to see Mr Smith's place of ablutions. Well, we here at the Privy Counsel are pathetically soft-hearted, and simply can't bear to see anyone in pain (we habitually put small furry animals out of their misery rather than let them suffer). So here you are.
You're welcome.

Mr Smith's inner sanctum

Lovely, lovely mixer-tap!

Eco-friendly water-saving flush

Mr Smith has an odd sense of humour...

...which extends beyond the bathroom

Lovely, lovely grouting!

This, dear friends, is a functioning ventilation unit.
Let's repeat that: Functioning. Ventilation. Unit.

There. Feels better now, doesn't it?

Related Reading
Turns Out Mr and Mrs Smith Have Lovely Bathrooms
They're brothers in ventilation - check out Czech Mate's bathroom: Czech Mate (Yeah, Yeah, We Know, Sorry)

Turns out Mr and Mrs Smith Have Lovely Bathrooms

Kind friends - let's call them Mr and Mrs Smith - let us stay with them recently, when we were en route to a conference (alas, not toilet-related) but prevented from getting there conveniently by a massive conspiracy involving multiple train companies, the FBI, and the aliens who killed Kennedy.
Nonetheless, we had a great time under the roof of our lovely married couple, parts of which we haven't seen since their very festive wedding some time ago. Their house is very nice indeed, but what had us shouting "Hallelujah!" and clapping our hands maniacally was their bathrooms! They have one each!

To prevent over-excitement and cardiac arrests among our audience we shall content ourselves with viewing one at a time.

Let's start with Mrs Smith's bathroom, shall we?

A vision of loveliness - woof!

Water-saving flush!

Mixer-tap!

Various feminine articles

A très chic shower cap!

A shower conveniently equipped with multiple hygiene articles

Look at the grouting! Just look at it! Look!
Expertly done! No mould!

Decorative bits of greenery

We don't know about you, but we're beginning to feel that one day - maybe give us 200-300 years - we may regain our faith in British plumbing!

Related Reading
Mr Smith's Plumbing: An Action-Packed Story
Rejoice, for We Bring You Another Celebrity Crapper!

Alien vs. Predator: Blood, Gore and Mixer-Taps

A team of scientists come across an almighty stink on an island off the Antarctic. They decide to investigate.

In a subterranean pyramid full of strange hieroglyphs, they find evidence of a terrifying experiment: aliens have been using humans to breed a new species of bad plumbing, with frightful tubes and taps going in every direction.

Luckily, predators turn up from another film and help the humans employ some racial hygiene,
destroying the dreadful plumbing creatures and installing mixer taps everywhere.
The aliens initially resist, but finally succumb to superior plumbing.

Order is restored, and everyone can finally wash their hands safely and comfortably.

Related reading
Are you British? Does tap sanity elude you?
History of British plumbing
Important information about taps
Taps
Rants
http://members.virtualtourist.com/m/p/m/1c59dd/

A Rapturous Who-Dunnyt from Australian Friend

 Australian Friend, reminiscing over her travels round Britain last year, fondly remembers the toilets (and burgers) at Byron Burger in Haymarket, London. We remember this special friend remarking, at the time, "Just discovered the cleanest toilets in central London. Best part is that they're playing 'Land of Hope and Glory' in there".

Says Australian Friend: "This dunny was amazing. Impeccably clean, shiny, and with brand spanking new technology (the drier was superb). I fully recommend this toilet. The burgers are brilliant as well."

Althohugh this is all very stylish, we naturally cannot approve
of these perverted taps (see "Taps" and also "Rant").

This looks very much like a Cylon device and as such renders us apprehensive. Also, although Australian Friend found it "very effective", it looks like bog-standard unhygienic dryer, and not the Privy Counsel-approved kind (see "Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Loo-Roll Holders (But Were Afraid to Ask)").

Australian Friend describes this as "DELICIOUS".

Toilet Paper and Politics: Of Course They're Related

Continuing our frantic, time-starved existence, we are once more turning to a favourite tv show for inspiration for a blog update. In the Battlestar Galactica episode Exodus: Part 1, president Gaius Baltar reminisces:

Well, let me tell you about my day. It was a hoot. Had the most fascinating chat with one of the Dorals. He's got this theory about sanitation being the key to regaining human trust and confidence. Something about toilet paper. No, lack of toilet paper, that's it. How if people could only wipe their bums properly, there would be a measurable uptick in the polls.
(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0801849/quotes)

Is this theory, in fact, transferable to real-world politics?

For those of you who have not yet passed out due to boredom, here is more Battlestar Galactica-related hygiene trivia:

Katee Sackhoff's hygiene woes

Make your own toilet roll viper plane! (Or, if you're German, wiper plane.)

Some lucky bastard bought one of the Battlestar Galactica toilet doors at auction!

This bathroom, at the Chan Centre for the Performing Arts, Vancouver, featured in Battlestar Galactica

Battlestar Galactica toilet paper!

Now, when is somebody going to get their arse in gear and design
a toilet seat in the shape of a Cylon raider?

Well Done, Declan: Catholic Priests, Rabbits, and Toilets

We find ourselves so exhausted by recent academic, and other, exploits, that we are utterly unable to do anything more taxing than vegetating on the sofa, watching Father Ted.

In order to produce a blog update and feel at least marginally productive, here's a vaguely toilet-related clip from one of our favourite tv shows!

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/father-ted/video/series-2/episode-6/toilet-training

You know it makes sense.