Toilet Paper: A Pain in the Arse?

Everyone loves puppies. Puppies are soft and lovely, yes. But what kind of advertising executive seriously thinks they can persuade people that, by wiping their bottom with a certain kind of toilet paper, their arse will become as soft and lovely as - a puppy? A British one, apparently. One day, a sociological study into the British obsession with soft toilet paper will doubtless be undertaken. Until then, we can only speculate.

Theories have been presented, but until there is proper scientific research, we won't be able to see the wood for the trees, the latter having been chopped down to make toilet paper. Britons are some of the most dedicated users of toilet paper in the world, yet a despairingly low percentage of British bog roll is made of recycled paper. Recycled bog roll uses 50 % less energy to produce than brand-spanking-new toilet tissue. Using virgin fibre to produce bog roll is, as we all know, ludicrous. If you start adding chemicals like perfume and softeners, toilet paper becomes an ecological nightmare.
But the puppy is adorable!

You can now have matching bog roll and knickers!
Er, sexy...

Thanks to Andrex, you can now accessorise in ways previously unimaginable! First, buy the shea butter toilet paper, thus making your arse as soft as a puppy dipped in an industrial vat of shea butter. Then purchase the matching knickers with a special shea butter panel - never experience that uncomfortable unmoisturised feeling again!

Yes, really. This is a thing.

Because your arse is worth it

The implication seems to be that your
bum will become as soft as a quilt.
But do you really want a somnolent arse?

The packaging's got the word "natural" on it
- must be environmentally friendly!

Far From the Madding Crowd: A Walkers' Dilemma

Did you find yourself having to heed the call of nature while out for a walk this Christmas? Was it a pain in the arse? Did you end up resenting, and perhaps heartily cursing, those among your male acquaintance who can casually relieve themselves against any tree, without having to worry about privacy?
Well, you can stop fretting now, thanks to a nifty little gadget called the Shewee! In our opinion, this is one of the most important steps towards equality between the sexes since women's suffrage. Women no longer have to expose their behinds to inclement weather, but can heed the call of nature in comfort!

Looks pretty space-agey and stylish, too!

Related Reading:
SISTERS STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES
Ladies, Don't Take Life Sitting Down!

Memorable Toilets: One Whitehall Place

Recent excesses have brought back happy memories of toilets past. We especially remember those of One Whitehall Place, where we attended the wedding of some dear friends on one happy occasion, as being exceptionally clean and enjoyable to use. Due to a certain measure of over-consumption, we ended up getting a close look at one of the toilets, and we assure our readers that we have never come across anything so clean in our lives! You could perform open-heart surgery on that toilet and not suffer any ill effects. Hygeia recommends this place warmly!

One Whitehall place. Image from thumbs.dreamtime.com.

We Wish You a Flush Christmas!

 Monkey has many fans worldwide, not only in his native Ape Town, and he would like to wish them all "a super merry Christmas" (and sneakily show off some of his many presents)!

We join in the well-wishes, and remind you to check on your pipes! Spending the holidays up to your knees in freezing water and unable to make yourself a cup of tea the morning after the night before does not promote Christmas cheer!

Remember also that as well as being an opportunity to get festively drunk in a whirl of pagan merrymaking, Christmas is a good time to do a good deed and consider those less fortunate than oneself. Perhaps even consider some hygiene for the soul?

Merry Christmas!

Leaky Pipes - A Tale of Cold Weather and Incontinence

Are you sitting down? Good. We have some disturbing images for you today. Not strictly toilet-related, but don't worry - we haven't slipped into the comforting bath of senility just yet - it's about plumbing. 

We've been back to the Average British Workplace where, thanks to the bracing weather we've had, a pipe had burst! As we're all aware, British pipes are drawn on the outside of the wall in the bracing air, to stop them growing up spoilt. This means that they're extremely likely to freeze in bracing weather. But on the other hand, they're so much easier to fix when they do freeze! The British plumber likes to keep things uncomplicated! Be that as it may, here's what happened at the Average British Workplace when a pipe burst, flooding the basement floor.

Diligently mopping the floor.
(It only took about three hours to sort out!)

Shelves were harmed
during the production of this photo

An attempt to remedy the problem using silica gel bags was only partially successful;
however, they made an amusing crackling noise that kept us entertained for a good 30 seconds

The British Plumber says yes!

Related Reading
Oh! the horror! SCREAMING BLOODY HORROR HALLOWEEN SPECIAL: The British Workplace

Halloween Horror!

It's Halloween - Time for Some Spine-Chilling Horror!

A Note on Desperate Measures

Revisiting Academia: King's Manor, Main Toilets

 Reviewing the toilet in the CMS building was not enough to satisfy us, and we returned to the main King's Manor toilets for another review!

These toilets boast several clean cubicles, the walls of which all have a thrilling, institutionalesque colour, that yet possesses a certain elegance, and which we would be tempted to describe as eau-de-nil (Oscar Wilde just might have nodded in approval). The flush is the traditional horizontal lever, averagely wearisome to pull, and the loo roll is plain white and hygienically covered. The bin is close, but not so close as to press unpleasantly against one. The coat-hook is exemplary; robust and reliable.

Oscar Wilde says yes!

One is tempted to think that these toilets haven't changed much since they were built, we would guess sometime in the sixties. They contain some charming  original features, that just scream out their antiquity, like this sanitary bag holder.

"Supplied only by Southalls (Birmingham) Ltd"!

The taps, as one would expect, are separated. The hot water tap normally provides an abundance of flesh-singeing scalding water; however, we visited on a cold day, which ensured that the water was a rather pleasant temperature. The always well-filled soap dispensers are the by now rather famous, stylish University of York ones, and there is a notice reminding the toilet-goer to wash their hands frequently. There are thankfully no ancient air-dryers, just pleasant paper towels (and a bin which is continuously overflowing, with a notice from the cleaner asking people not to throw paper towels on the floor. You'd think that academics would be civilised enough not to need reminding, but as we all know only too well, every class of people contains barbarians).

Stylish but antiquated

Hygeia says yes!

Points: 7/15

King's Manor
Exhibition Sq.
University of York, York YO1 2EP
01904 328 431

Related Reading
Let's Get Medieval: King's Manor Toilet
The Berrick Saul Building at the University of York: Finally, a British Nod in the Direction of the 21st Century 
The Intellectual Streak Continues: Leeds University Library Bogs, or, Yorkshire Graffitti  
The Historic Toilet Tour of York

Caffè Nero Coppergate: Cocks, Valves, Nuts, Bolts, etc. In Short, Plumbing!

A friend of ours, who haunts Caffè Nero regularly, told us excitedly that there were visions of gleaming chrome and copper awaiting us in Coppergate. Apparently, according to our plumbing-experienced chum, the pipes are just to die for! So we went to investigate, hearts beating just that little bit faster from the excitement.

Cleanliness-wise, these toilets are pretty good for Caffè Nero (we've been to worse ones, but not many better). The flush, as one would expect, is the standard horizontal lever, which is neither particularly hard nor particularly easy to operate. The loo roll is plain white, and the holder covered. The bin is at a pleasant distance from the user, and that, too, is covered.

There is an air dryer which we didn't dare use. The taps are, predictably, separated, although the hot water was a pleasant temperature rather than scalding; however we suspect this being due to the tap having been left running by the last user, thus using up most of the hot water. The soap is conventional. 

Conventional soap; conventional, depressing taps

Scary, scary air-dryer

This toilet lacks a coat-hook, but it is possible to hang one's jacket or bag from the door handle. The question is, however: does one want one's possessions in intimate contact with a toilet door handle? Hygieia says no!

Perfectly adequate for hanging things on, but oh! so unhygienic!

We've saved this bit till last: the plumbing! Although not technically gleaming, certainly worth the wait! Such precision!

Cocks, valves, nuts and bolts!

Perhaps dirty pipes are more exciting than clean ones?

Quite nice tiles, too!

Total points: 4/15

(We regret that we are unable to list an address for this branch of Caffè Nero, as their website is pretending it doesn't exist. But it's near the Jorvik centre, just opposite Clarks.)