Toilet Paper: A Pain in the Arse?

Everyone loves puppies. Puppies are soft and lovely, yes. But what kind of advertising executive seriously thinks they can persuade people that, by wiping their bottom with a certain kind of toilet paper, their arse will become as soft and lovely as - a puppy? A British one, apparently. One day, a sociological study into the British obsession with soft toilet paper will doubtless be undertaken. Until then, we can only speculate.

Theories have been presented, but until there is proper scientific research, we won't be able to see the wood for the trees, the latter having been chopped down to make toilet paper. Britons are some of the most dedicated users of toilet paper in the world, yet a despairingly low percentage of British bog roll is made of recycled paper. Recycled bog roll uses 50 % less energy to produce than brand-spanking-new toilet tissue. Using virgin fibre to produce bog roll is, as we all know, ludicrous. If you start adding chemicals like perfume and softeners, toilet paper becomes an ecological nightmare.
But the puppy is adorable!

You can now have matching bog roll and knickers!
Er, sexy...

Thanks to Andrex, you can now accessorise in ways previously unimaginable! First, buy the shea butter toilet paper, thus making your arse as soft as a puppy dipped in an industrial vat of shea butter. Then purchase the matching knickers with a special shea butter panel - never experience that uncomfortable unmoisturised feeling again!

Yes, really. This is a thing.

Because your arse is worth it

The implication seems to be that your
bum will become as soft as a quilt.
But do you really want a somnolent arse?

The packaging's got the word "natural" on it
- must be environmentally friendly!