Sunday, 7 January 2018

Our Heart's Desire: For Nazis to Fuck Off, and for There to Be More Signed Pictures of Jonny

It is with unbridled joy that we prepare to present to you the winner of our New Year's competition! As all regular readers are aware, the competition was instigated by Jonny, and the prize is a signed photograph of that winsome young whippersnapper! All you had to do to enter was send in a photo of toilet graffiti.

The rules of the competition, announced in early November, were very simple:

1) Send pictures of toilet graffiti
2) Win a signed picture of Jonny
3) Live happily forever after, having gained your heart's desire

It is our rampant, unbridled pleasure to announce the winner of the Toilet Graffiti competition to be:



Lithuanian friend writes:

I had a spontaneous vacation in Gran Canaria and also remembered you, trying to find any good toilet graffiti. However, seems that there could be a campaign encouraging women to do more of that. I found only one in central station in Las Palmas. We should all remember that :)

Transcription of the toilet graffiti:
"Don't forget I am learning to live." Quite philosophical, no?

Apparently, toilet graffiti is not as rampant as it once was. We remember seeing plenty of it in our youth, but for whatever reason, we rarely come across any these days. Whether this is because our social milieu has changed, from one fairly frequently incorporating dirty South London basements, to one radically more sedate (and clean), or because the advent of the digital revolution means that nobody carries pens with which to scrawl rude messages on toilet walls (as is the theory of our remarkably perceptive aunt) any more, remains to be determined (again, what are the social historians out there doing?).

Be that as it may, we hereby offer our wildest congratulations to Lithuanian Friend, who will be getting a signed copy of the below photograph in the post, and can thereafter get on with living happily ever after, having gained her heart's desire!

This is where we pass out from excitement, but not before uttering a strangled shout of HUBBA HUBBA!

We must not forget to view pictures from various toilets. Let us start with those at Heathrow Airport, shall we?

Traditionally, the first impressions to greet one on arriving at any British airport is the smell of air freshener and the sight of ancient wall-to-wall carpet that has been mended using duct tape. The newly spruced-up Heathrow Airport no longer sports carpets. The smell, however, is the same - indeed worse, if one travels round Christmas: a particularly revolting would-be cinnamon scent is sprayed with terrifying vigour in the toilets, while horrendously earnest Christmas music is channelled throughout the entire amenities. Ameliorating circumstances include the fact that the handwashing facilities are clean and feature a particularly soothing combination of hand sanitiser and hand lotion. Also, the taps are nice.

Wherein lies the difficulty of making toilet doors that go all the way down to the floor and all the way up to the ceiling? Wherein? Huh?

Look how many bags we managed to fit onto this admirably sturdy coat hook! Nothing had to be placed on the floor, and there was much joy.

We may have wandered into the disabled cubicle, which is why there is so much room. Also, a hygienically covered toilet roll holder, and a festive sign saying "Toilet duct access door"! Hurrah!

On the off-chance that you have the energy to view more pictures of toilets, have some from the Westfield shopping centre in Shepherd's Bush:

A TRULY EXEMPLARY DOOR! Note how there is a sturdy lock, no fewer than two sturdy coat hooks, and a helpful bar for those who have issues with mobility. And also, THE DOOR GOES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND ALL THE WAY UP TO THE CEILING!

The bin is overflowing, but to be fair, there was a cleaner arriving just as we were leaving. Also, the toilet roll is hygienically covered. Hurrah!
Let us by all means take a moment here to appreciate cleaners, who are often underpaid and undervalued. Perhaps ask yourself what would happen if the person who cleans the toilets at your office or local shopping centre went on strike? Well, quite.

We are going to end this blog post on a serious note. The Heathrow Airport toilets may have constituted a near-insurmountable olfactory challenge (why make air freshener that tries - and fails - to smell like something nice? Why?), but we still believe that travel is essential in order to promote international friendships, spread understanding, and combat hate. (And also, crucially, to be able to drink with friends in different time zones.)

Nazis marched in our town yesterday.

Nazis. Marched. In. Our. Town.

We spent all of last year ranting about how "2017 is the year when a shitstorm of racism, sexism, and every kind of -ism you can think of, including nazism, will be unleashed upon the world", and making our thoughts on Nazis very, very clear.

Friends. The fight continues.

We will continue to believe in human rights, and to disagree with people spreading racist propaganda. We will continue to fight for women's rights. We will continue to do what we can, in our tiny, obscure corner of the internet, to promote understanding and combat hate by maintaining this bog blog, made possible thanks to an international community of intellectuals.

To that end, we have chosen today's Festive Video with the view of not pissing off Shewee Fiend Friend, who really, really despises our taste in music. Also, isn't it funny how anti-fascist punk rock from the height of the Cold War era is relevant again? Just saying.

Festive Video: Asta Kask, Oss hjältar emellan
(View the lyrics, if you so desire, here.)

Ach fuck it, let's have one last picture. Here's what we hope 2018 will contain: mixer taps, festive haircuts, and electric sockets. Happy new year!

Happy new year from your Privy Counsellor, steering you enthusiastically, though perhaps not always coherently, through a murky universe since 2010!
(All garments featured are naturally from charity shops. Hurrah for the environment, and not supporting chain-store-enabling slave labour! (Ok, we really will fuck off now.))

Related Reading

All posts featuring graffiti

Funnily enough, we felt the need for '80s Swedish punk rock at this time last year, too:
Rampant Murderous Nazis Are Taking Over the World, But Here Is a Picture of Jonny In a Toilet, for Your Convenience and Comfort

Our thoughts on Nazis:
À la Recherche du Temps Perdu

Another post featuring ranting about Nazis, and a fancy shopping centre:  
"God Jul" from Gothenburg!

All posts featuring Jonny

All posts featuring Lithuanian Friend
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