Sunday, 29 January 2017

Rampant Murderous Nazis Are Taking Over the World, But Here Is a Picture of Jonny In a Toilet, for Your Convenience and Comfort

What to do, when the world is being taken over by rampant, murderous Nazis? Well, here are some things we've been doing lately:

* Reading Little Women (a feminist manifesto, if an annoyingly pious one, and containing distressing sentiments about women's natural knack for cleaning)

* Watching Jeeves and Wooster (Jeeves's competence is so reassuring)

* Marching (a toilet picture from the Women's March on Copenhagen follows below)

* Internet-stalking interesting people (the less said about our activities in this area the better)

* Admiring pictures of Justin Trudeau (woof!)

* Ranting (we find ourselves feeling thirsty a lot, which is either due to us developing diabetes, or because of all the ranting, or possibly because of panting induced by pictures of Justin Trudeau)

* Donating money to organisations supporting democracy and human rights

* Cheering on all our friends who do amazing things every day

Here is a picture from a toilet in a pub somewhere in Copenhagen, where we and our fellow marchers enjoyed a large amount of wine and an even larger amount of ranting after the march:

A sticker on this ad reads, "Sexism is still a problem - Don't ignore it, fight it". We couldn't agree more.

We are also quite pleased with the signs we made for the march, and were even more pleased when, the second we arrived at the site outside the US Embassy, kind Danish people offered to staple sticks to our signs so we could hold them up more effectively.

We were proud of our signs, which we thought were intellectual yet poignant. Our Mum, meanwhile, was very amused by pictures of signs she saw on the internet saying "Ikea has better cabinets", and "We shall overcomb".

Now to the main business of the day. We received a message from everyone's favourite biker boy, Jonny! It read:

Do you want a present?
We replied:
Wtf yes
Jonny continued:
A look into an executive office gent's toilet.
You even have the option to save the environment or dry your hands faster on dead trees.
I think my fans will appreciate the selfie too.

Oooh, that is a very tall erection, isn't it?

What a very shiny bin! Nothing but the best for the executive businessmen.

This looks very clean and comfortable. And the walls of the stall go all the way down to the floor!


 Many, many thanks to Jonny for this refreshing view into the world of executive gents' toilets! Now for a reassuring Festive Video, before we go back to frantically checking Twitter, and crying. What one needs, in times of murderous Nazi mayhem, is unapologetic '80s punk rock!

Festive Video - Asta Kask, Johnny Boy

Related Reading
The lonely hearts ad we wrote for Jonny back in 2013 
If you think you can handle it: A picture of Jonny on a cannon!
All posts featuring Jonny

Monday, 2 January 2017

Toilet Tale - War and Piss

A note of warning

For non-regular readers, or readers who haven't been regular long enough to have experienced a Toilet Tale: Brace yourselves.

Here's how the format works: We take a classic story, for instance Jane Eyre, or Terminator, and butcher abridge it, retelling the story with toilets. Sometimes we create original stories, like the lighthearted romp A Rootin', Tootin' Toilet Tale, or the bloodcurdling drama The Body in the Bathtub: A Poirot Mystery.

Most often we use these knitted figures and turn them into characters.

Say hello to Tubby the Bathtub, Flushie the Toilet, and Professor Plunger.
You can get the knitting patterns from Mochimochiland.

 Sometimes, though, we use other images of toilets as characters (as for instance in The Body in the Bathtub, or  Lady Chatterley's Lover).

A final warning

We tried to remember when we last read Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, and the best guess we could come up with was "probably sometime in high school? Or maybe at uni?". We have relied extensively, while creating the finely tuned drama of which you are about to partake, on Wikipedia, Spd Rdng, and Cliffsnotes. Because let's be honest - there's no way we can be arsed reading the damn thing again.

Without further preamble, let us begin!

War and Piss

Prince Andrei Bolkonsky feels like he is pissing his life away. His wife is beautiful, but all she wants is to party. Also she favours separate taps, because she considers them "more stylish". Andrei seethes, but suffers in silence.

Luckily, Napoleon Bonaparte decides to invade Russia. Finally, a chance to take action against those effeminate French and their poncy lavender soaps! Andrei joins the Hussars, the Russian cavalry.

Andrei is masculine, he is handsome, he is brave. He is also almost instantly wounded at the Battle of Austerlitz. As he lies gazing up at the sky and watching the thousands upon thousands of dead and dying soldiers, Andrei thinks that Napoleon seems petty and insignificant. Napoleon, riding past, asks him, "How do you feel, mon brave?"
"Piss off," replies Andrei irritably.

Andrei's friend Count Pierre Bezukhov, who is considered socially awkward until he inherits an absolutely gigantic pile of money, marries a woman called Hélène. A dude called Dolohov, who is rumoured to be having an affair with Hélène, makes an ungentlemanly remark about her in Pierre's hearing. Because he is trapped in a web of patriarchal notions of purity and pride, Pierre has to defend Hélène's, and thereby his own, honour. To everyone's surprise, not least his own, Pierre wounds Dolohov in a duel.

Andrei, meanwhile, returns home from the war to find his estranged wife about to give birth. She dies while engaged in this risky activity, which makes Andrei feel incredibly guilty. He pisses off and leaves his infant son to be cared for by others.

Luckily, Andrei soon finds comfort in the arms of the beautiful Countess Natasha Rostova, the sister of his friend Count Nikolai Rostov. However, Natasha is also being wooed by Prince Anatole Kuragin. Andrei is jealous, and decides he doesn't want Natasha anymore.

The war of 1812 kicks off, and Andrei goes to join the fighting again. He realises, as a grenade lands next to him, that he's been a dick. He wants to live, and marry Natasha. He promptly dies. (Though he gets to declare his love to Natasha very prettily on his deathbed first.)

Pierre marries Natasha. They live in the country, where Pierre enjoys haymaking. Most of Pierre's money is gone, and they haven't got a pot to piss in. However, they are blessed with several children.


Related Reading

Some of our best Toilet Tales:

Gone with the Wind - A Gastric Drama

By the way, if you ever fancy a competently performed piss-up in a brewery, we heartily recommend the brewery tour at the Egill Skallagrímsson brewery in Reykjavík
Another good brewery where one may enjoy a piss-up is the Sct. Clemens Brewery in Aarhus.
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