Monday, 24 December 2018

Bears, Baubles, Booze. Merry Christmas!

Is it time to pour the hot chocolate with bourbon yet? Is the Pope Catholic? Do bears crap in the woods? Can I avoid these distressing and vulgar rhetorical questions and make up my own? The answers are, respectively, yes, yes, yes, and Should men's rights activists be locked into a dark dungeon with only each other and an Elton John Greatest Hits CD for company?

Many people whom we respect and admire, for instance Shewee Fiend Friend, swear by the coffee-with-Bailey's method of maintaining one's sanity and possibly even the illusion of Christmas cheer, but we have no Bailey's and you can't buy booze in Scandiwegia at the times when you need it the most: at night, and during holidays where you are forced into close proximity with your relatives.

In order to prepare ourselves mentally, physically and spiritually (well, we did bring a thermos full of hot chocolate with bourbon. Seriously, try it - it tastes like bourbonny velvet) for the onslaught of holidays lurking in the calendar, we spent yesterday in the woods, far away from our fellow human beings. We didn't see any bears, alas, but what we did find, about halfway along the trail, was an earth closet! This delightful rustic Scandiwegian speciality is a boon to hikers who have consumed half a litre of hot chocolate containing really rather a lot of bourbon.

No, you are not mistaken - that is indeed a strand of twinkly seasonal fairy lights on the door!

The inside of this hygienic rustic crapper offers hand sanitizer!

There is also toilet roll and arm support if you need it.

As regular readers are aware we are, despite everything, kind-hearted, generous souls here at the Privy Counsel, and we would not want you to be left to your own devices this Christmas without pictures of Jonny to fortify your spirits! We therefore went straight to the source and made known our Christmas wish:

The Privy Counsel: I'm doing a Christmas bog blog post. Do you have a recent photo with which to delight and edify our readers?

Jonny: Hmm, let me check the archives
This was outside the toilets

"Perfect. Thanks!" we said, not expecting, even in our wildest dreams, that things could get any better than that. But lo and behold! The delightful Christmas parade of Jonny's toilet photos continued!

At this point we exclaimed, quite understandably dizzy with delight:

Equally offensive signs for both sexes, and a picture of your actual nether regions - I love it!
Where have these pictures been all my life?


 Jonny replied, with characteristic forthrightness:

That’s all I got
Sure there was more
Yeah it was a mirror placed too low to the ground
But meant a coat hook existed
So guess it was for the greater good
Plus I never really look at my legs so it was refreshing

We replied, almost tearful from gratitude:
Most refreshing!
Also the jacket that was tragically lost.
Thank you!

To which Jonny in his turn answered:

It brings back painful memories
But may it spread joy in the babe parade

Readers, we will leave you here. Don't forget that - as we never tire of reminding our readers - Christmas is celebrated, in all civilised parts of the world, on the 24th! We finish with a Festive Video reminding us of the gender pay gap, and the fact that women still perform the lion's share of domestic and emotional labour. You probably get the gist even if you don't speak Scandiwegian.
God jul!

Festive Video: Siw Malmkvist, Mamma är lik sin mamma

Related posts:

All posts featuring Shewee Fiend Friend

All posts featuring Jonny

All posts featuring Christmas

A selection of Christmas posts containing devastatingly handsome pictures of Jonny:

Balls! It's Christmas!

"My Friend Runs a Toilet Blog" - A Canoodling Kind of Christmas

Aloha! From Hawaii! 

God Jul! from Gothenburg! 

Saturday, 1 December 2018

Dark Nights, Bright Lights

Ho-ho-ho-horrifyingly early mornings, increasing Weltschmerz and snowballing weariness to you all! We bring tidings of, if not good cheer, at least sturdy common sense.

Feisty French Friend sent us a picture from the social media platform we love to disdain and avoid, featuring a toilet sign which helpfully clarifies what one should and should not do with the water in the toilet:

Do not drink toilet water!

Social media platforms in general contribute to the sum total of darkness in a cold and merciless universe, not only with the unchecked abuse directed towards women and minorities but with the silencing and policing of their thoughts and opinions. If you want to read about why it is bad that a woman, pointing out that a creepy man who harasses women is in fact a man, has been banned from Twitter, here's a great article from After Ellen. You may also wish to read about why transsexual Miranda Yardley got permanently banned from Twitter for stating that an adult human male is a man.

Thankfully, we have toilet photos of Jonny up our metaphorical sleeve to pour, to super awkwardly mix metaphors and also paraphrase an author who deserves better, into the wounded bosoms of each other the balm of privy consolation. The below photos are entitled "loo with a view". The title is of course derivative and lacks originality, but full points for the effort at wit and also gracious thanks for sending pictures of toilets and vulgar desk dinosaurs to brighten the darkness and ameliorate our ever deeper despair.

A shining light of toilet humour, rugged good looks and a jacket that looks seriously comfy: Jonny.

The darkness is opaque, but there is also light.
We made a joke about the tallness of the building which we will not reproduce in this forum.
(You can probably imagine it without taxing your intellect too much.)

We seize this opportunity of expressing our awestruck gratitude to the friends who make everything bearable with their ruthless piss-taking, sparkling wit, and plethora of deeply disturbing photos.

Last, but not least, remember to be kind to your mother. She has endured a lot for your sake, and she has endured it while navigating the vast and terrifying maze of a hostile patriarchy.

Festive Video: Sarah Shook and the Disarmers, Make It Up to Mama

Related Reading:
All posts featuring Feisty French Friend
The post in which we explore our dislike of Instagram
All posts featuring Jonny
More on the patriarchy and women being erased, literally and figuratively: Halloween 2018: Raped and Murdered Women, and Statistics. It Doesn't Get Scarier Than This. 
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