Thursday, 28 March 2013

Taps, Wine and Elvis!

It's our pleasure to wish all our regular readers a Happy Easter and all that jazz! As you may have noticed, we've been not just busy, and not even just frantically busy, but flat-out fran-tic-ally busy, of late, leading to a rather sad and loathsome negligence of our blogging duties. But despair not, here's a piping hot dose of toilet madness to refresh, edify and amuse you! A joint effort this time: two dear friends of ours sent us pictures of the thigh-slapping, chortling-like-a-lunatic kind. The first one is from a very energetic person we have the pleasure of knowing. She says, considerately,
"Couldn't get everything in the picture but if that's not the toilet made for you and your blog! Put in an outlet for your laptop, you might as well move in."
 We couldn't agree more. 

Very Energetic Friend says: "That's at the house of my holistic
massage therapist.  (At mine, shelves would never stay this full.)"

It's even got a mixer tap! WHERE HAS THIS TOILET BEEN ALL OUR LIVES?

Meanwhile, Bad-Ass Shelf Enthusiast Friend kindly contributed this agreeable utopian vision.

Boy, does that ever have us salivating!
Although, as Tudor Friend points out, "This is a case where separate
taps might be good: one for red, one for white. I don't need constant rosé".

We don't even believe in Jebus, but considering that wine seems suddenly to be a bit of a theme, that Jebus liked wine, and that Easter is apparently a time for contemplating the life of that estimable gentleman, surely having some wine seems indicated? Which reminds us...

Here's what we're drinking in the toilet bloggers' ghetto at the moment.

And that, of course, takes us on another wild flight of association...

Happy Easter! Remember to stay regular.

Sunday, 17 March 2013

A Brief Guide to Public Toilets

'Well, it's just that I've been so...'
Trefusis pulled the handkerchief from his face and looked at Adrian.
'But of course you have! Frantically busy. Fran-tic-ally.'
Trefusis helped himself to another cigarette from a packet that lay on top of a tower of books next to the sofa and tapped it against his thumb-nail.
'My first meeting with you only confirmed what I first suspected. You are a fraud, a charlatan and a shyster. My favourite kind of person, in fact.'

We assume that all our regular readers are familiar with familiar with Stephen Fry's The Liar. If you have been, you've only yourself to blame. The truth is, we've been so... etc. So here's an article we've shamelessly stolen. Australian Friend put us on to it.

How to Use a Public or Shared Restroom Since It’s Pretty Clear You Don’t Have a Goddamn Clue

Don't you just love modern conveniences? Drunken nights and certain New York neighborhoods aside, for the most part, we have progressed past pissing and shitting in the street. The toilet and the sewer system! A thing of beauty. Neat, quick, clean disposal of the excrement and detritus human existence is plagued by. If you live alone, in your own home, you may do as you wish with your commode. But if you have roommates, if you work in an office, or if you visit public establishments — bars, restaurants, museums and the like — you may, perchance, need to heed the call of nature in a public or shared restroom. We have, in our travels, visited some of these toilets, and it has become clear to us that folks do not understand how to behave in them. What follows should not be necessary. But it is, and we are deeply disappointed we even have to do this. Nevertheless, consider this a refresher course, a guide, to be memorized, forwarded and shared as needed.
Basically, a good policy is the following:

You should try to leave a restroom in the condition you would wish to find it.

Occasionally, you may enter a restroom in which the policy must be abandoned — the plastic shell of shame known as the porta pottie, for instance, or a particularly filthy bar toilet. In those cases, do not dilly-dally; just get in and out as quickly as possible and beg the gods of feculence for mercy.
For all other cases, here is your guide.

Let's get a few things straight.
Image from T.qkme.


aka Pissing, aka Number 1, aka Taking A Leak, aka Seeing A Man About A Horse
Urine is supposed to go in the water inside the toilet.
"Pish posh," you say. "Everyone knows that." Oh really? Then why the fuck is there urine on the toilet seat and on the restroom floor approximately all the fucking time? A great poet once said:
If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Please be neat
And wipe the seat

This applies to men, women, and children of all ages.
For the men: It is neither necessary nor interesting for us, as women, to understand why you can't hit the fucking target. We only request that if you do not, you clean up after yourself. This includes the floor. Wrap some toilet paper around your hand and wipe down the seat; drop some tissue or a paper towel on the floor and use your foot to move it around, then pick it up and dispose of it in the proper receptacle. Easy. Now you are a real man. Your mother would be proud. The universe will reward you.
What's that you say? You're not picking a dirty tissue up off the floor because it's filthy? Why sweat it, when you're about to wash your hands. Oh, you're not washing your hands properly, are you. Washing your hands is not wetting your hands. Washing your hands involves hot water and soap lather. You're an adult in a world of communicable diseases. Just do it.
Ladies: The instructions above apply to you as well. Maybe you're in a greasy spoon on the edge of town and you'd rather be set on fire than sit down on the toilet seat. Fine. It's not like you can actually catch an STD from a toilet seat. But whatever. If, by squatting, you miss or splatter, please, for the love of theoretical sterility, wipe the seat. And/or the floor. Piss it forward. You are a real woman. Your mother would be proud. The universe will reward you.
What's that you say? You're not picking a dirty tissue up off the floor because it's filthy? Why sweat it, when you're about to wash your hands. Oh, you're not washing your hands properly, are you. Washing your hands is not wetting your hands. Washing your hands involves hot water and soap lather. You're an adult in a world of communicable diseases. Just do it.
After urination:
The ideal scenario would be to close the toilet lid, flush the toilet, wash your hands, and go on about your day. However. Sometimes there is no toilet lid. In that case, just make a quick visual sweep of the area, make sure you're not leaving droplets on the seat or floor, then wash your hands and go. Should you splash water around while washing your hands, you truly ought to give the sink counter a quick swipe with your towel as you're leaving — nothing like leaning on a counter top and getting a wet spot on your shirt because some sloppy brat left the sink area a wreck. It's a special kind of loathsome narcissism that allows people to leave a public/shared restroom a mess after a quick pee break. Newsflash: You are not the only person on the planet.
All of this can happen very quickly and shouldn't take more than 60 seconds of time. If you're worried about germs, carry some hand sanitizer. But just realize you're gonna catch something a lot nastier from the ATM machine than you are from the loo.

Ready, aim, fire! Image from Guzer.


aka Shitting, aka Pooping, aka Dropping The Kids Off At The Pool, aka Taking A Dump, aka Taking the Browns To The Super Bowl
Feces are supposed to go in the water inside the toilet.
Remember the policy: Leave things as you wish to find them. Should something go awry, do your very best to clean up. Don't slink away thinking, shit, I destroyed it in there. If possible, flush while pushing the wood chucks out of the hole. It helps with odor control, and if one flush is all organic waste, the next can be just tissue, cleaning the bowl as it goes down. Diarrhea? Splatter? Sorry, man. Sucks. But wipe the underneath of the seat down. Flush with the lid down. Don't be rude. If you know you're going to fuck shit up real good, take some matches with you. At work, you can keep a spraycan of air freshener in your "special" stall. Be considerate.
Ducks know the score. Image from Weknowmemes.

Other Issues


Don't hog the mirror. Don't make eye contact unless invited to do so. Don't kiss the mirror.


If there's a pubic hair on the seat, it just doesn't seem clean. Are you shedding? Leaving pubes behind? It only takes a second to glance and check before you leave the stall. Don't leave pubes behind.


If you're in one stall and can hear someone else is ripping and tooting and making all kinds of bubble wrap sounds, just be kind and expedient and hurry and get the fuck out of there. She does not want to see you when she comes out. If you're the one farting like a ten cent whoopie cushion, time your exit from the stall carefully, keep eye contact at a minimum. It's for the best.


Never leave blood on the seat. There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women by wiping up menstrual blood. Wrap applicators and pads in TP before throwing them away.

Toilet Won't Flush/Toilet's Clogged

Tell someone who can help. ASAP. You can even ask someone in the next stall to do you a favor and inform a maintenance person so that when you're on your way out of the restroom, someone with a plunger is on their way in. Just say something, and don't slink away hoping for the best, you asshole.

In Closing

You know what you've done, and you know you can do better. Be the change you want to see in the world. There's no time like the present. Abandon your lazy, piss-poor, self-centered, half-flushing ways and see the light, bright and white as a gleaming new toilet bowl. We're watching you. And taking notes.

(Many thanks to Jezebel for letting us plagiarise their article.)

Drop that holier-than-thou attitude and just sort out the sodding toilet, ok?
Image from Xinhuanet.

 If you have been, then for God's sake get a bottle of  rum.

Related Reading
A Festive Update
Thai Toilet Chart

We Aim to Please: Interactive Toilet Game
Unique Posts about Urinals
Previous Posts about Public Toilets

Oh, and Previous Posts about Stephen Fry, of Course.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Let's Talk about Graffiti

 We had the great pleasure of getting distressingly silly with a friend after having too much beer way too early in the day some time ago. The venue of our beer consumption and distressing silliness was Café Ariman, a stalwart hangout for students and other assorted rabble. Despite our inebriated state, we couldn't help but notice the graffiti on the door which, in a miraculous way, didn't overspill onto the walls. We decided this was in keeping with Swedish tradition. Let there by all means be graffiti - hey, it's both cool and decorative - but let it in no way overspill onto the walls, dear Lord no, that would look very untidy.

We regret that technical difficulties have once again created sideways pictures. If it helps, look at them while lying on the floor.

Sink with mixer tap and, as far as we can remember (i.e. we can't),
perfectly agreeable soap

Apparently graffiti on the hand-drier is ok.

Nothing objectionable here.

We believe this is the ceiling.
Note the laudable ventilation unit, cleverly disguised as a smiley with sunglasses.

Well, this was very inspiring. Let's have some more toilet graffiti, shall we?

The woes of trying a new form of expression. Image from Toiletscribble.

We couldn't agree more. Image from trombonegothgirl.

Thought-provoking. What do you think?
Leave a comment or email us if this inspires any kind of reflection.
Image from 3.bp.blogspot.
Café Ariman
Kungsgatan 2
223 50 Lund

Related Reading
Toilet-Door Art
The Intellectual Streak Continues, or, Leeds University Library Bogs, or, Yorkshire Graffitti

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Taking a Gander at Greatness

As all our regular readers know, toilets are extremely useful for many things, especially when clean and functional. What not many people appreciate, however, is the potential of your average bog to serve as catwalk, artistic venue or simply a place to dream of past or future glory! (For instance, Australian Friend tells us that toilets usually offer great acoustics and so lend themselves to being used as studios for the impecunious artist.) We thought we'd celebrate, in this post, the capacity of the toilet to inspire greatness! As we've had occasion to remember of late, greatness often goes hand in hand with insanity, and indeed three more or less demented friends of ours have shared pictures of themselves looking great in a toilet recently.

Let's start with Jonny! Jonny is an infamous toilet photographer, as many people recollect, to their chagrin. No-one can deny, however, that he is a cool dude and looks really good in a toilet!

Actually, Jonny doesn't usually look this cool.
Another notoriously demented friend of ours offered this glimpse of greatness. Lots of points for the stylish tiles and ever-so-cool boot!

What kind of idiot takes this kind of picture of themselves anyway?
Finally, we have this vision of fabulousness from a very dear and Very Brave Friend. Word!

Please note, this is by no means the first time
this particular toilet has acted as background to fantastic fashion.

There's no denying that the peculiar décor of toilets makes them the ideal venue for taking flattering photos. The lighting is usually purposely flattering (except on transport, as we've had occasion to complain of recently - but more on that another time), the tiles tend to show off one's figure to advantage, and one can, if one should happen to suffer from mild to life-threatening OCD, wash one's hands endlessly. You can't help but achieve greatness in a toilet!

If you are of the opinion that everyone should have access to adequate sanitation (even if you don't perhaps feel inclined to encourage people to lounge idly in toilets, taking pictures of themselves), why not spend a penny, if you have one to spare, at Oxfam Unwrapped, Water Aid or Toilet Twinning?

Related Reading
Jonny and a Public Toilet - A Treat for Single Ladies
Fair Play in Melbourne
Toilet-Twinning: Worcester Cathedral
Toilet Song: Soda Soap

Friday, 1 March 2013

A Roman Moment

Let's have a Roman moment! In view of the Machiavellian weather this winter, and the widespread plumbing misery in the world, we've been thinking that there should really be more Roman plumbing. More awesome aqueducts! More slaves chopping enormous quantities of firewood to heat hot water for the bombastic baths! More of everything! More, more, more! Imagine our delight when we were alerted to the fact that the remains of a Roman bath have been found in London recently!

What a lovely sight! Image from London SE1.
"Although it's a very small pit and we haven't looked at the details fully yet, it has certainly given us an insight into the eastern edge of the Roman settlement that has really been quite a blank for us up until now," says the Network Rail Archaeology manager Chris Place, according to London SE1.
The article continues, "The works at London Bridge, when taken together with the findings of excavations along the route of the Borough Viaduct – where a Roman bath house was discovered – and on neighbouring sites such as The Place, are helping to build up a much clearer picture of Roman Southwark.
'There appears to have been some very substantial – almost opulent – Roman buildings,' said Chris [sic]. 'We are starting to get a feel for that part of the settlement.'"
Before we go on with  more archaeological news, let's have a brief intermission. How about a lovely informative video?

Intermission over. Another article from London SE1 informs us that,
"'In Roman times the main settlement was on the north bank of the river Thames and was connected to the settlement at Southwark by the first London Bridge. Much archaeological work has been done in Southwark over the years, but we were still surprised to discover ruin[s] of this nature and size' [says Chris Place].
Network Rail and Southwark Council are exploring ways of preserving the remains beneath the new building to be constructed on the site. Where appropriate, key finds will be deposited with the Museum of London where they will be available for study by the public."

On the tiles! In the bath! Image from London SE1.
 Probably all regular readers know in what high esteem Roman baths are held at Privy Counsel HQ, and can imagine our riotous joy at this news! Hurrah! Nunc est, as ever, lavandum!

Related Reading
If you like aqueducts: Let Us Wash, for the Germanic Hordes May Appear at Any Moment
If you like toilet paper: The Finer Points of Roman Hygiene
If you enjoy the thought of soldiers getting naked: Roman Bath Museum - Crap on a Stick
If you, too, have friends who are stark raving bonkers: Roaring Good Roman Fun
If you, too, find Roman plumbing unbearably exciting:  Nunc Est Lavandum - Bath-Time!
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