"Drunken Routs, in Which More Things Were Broken Than Heads and Furniture, Sister!"

What are archives for, if not to be delved into? We've got a juicy exchange of uncategorizable social media messaging drivel for you, with illustrations of Irish or possibly Scottish toilets! Said uncategorizable social media messaging drivel is from more or less exactly a year ago, and was occasioned by an unusually vile, even for us, hangover.

But first, let us have one of those sickeningly hearty tales of non-disappointment which we promised, in our last post, that we would make into a regular feature. So without further ado, let us register our lack of disappointment when, at the gym a couple of weeks ago, the lady in reception let us go in for free because we didn't have our bank account details with us, and thus couldn't renew our membership. Our lack of disappointment on this occasion was pretty staggering.

Let us quickly stop being sentimental, however, and move on to tales of drunken debauchery from the Privy Counsel archive! Below is a fairly typical exchange between us and Semi-Intellectual Friend (written in - yes! - the first person! This is how we normally express ourselves, believe it or not, when communicating with close friends):

4 May 2014, 3:57 am
Privy Counsellor:
OH MY HOD I'M SO DRUNK AND IT'S ALL [FRIEND WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS]'S FAULT OH GOD I FEEL SICK

4 May 2014, 4:05 am
Privy Counsellor:
I just made myself sick behind a bus stop. Charming. 

4 May 2014, 5:18am
Privy Counsellor: 
I think i got home ok. 

4 May 2014, 7:15am
Privy Counsellor:
Should i really have to out up with this kind if indignity? Can someone please tell my stomach that it's all [Friend Who Shall Remain Nameless]'s fault?
Put up with. Gaah. 

4 May 2014, 1:08pm
Semi-Intellectual Friend:
Ha.
Sorry. All that deserves something more.
Hahaha
Lol 

4 May 2014, 7:08 pm
Privy Counsellor:
Fuck you. I've spent all day throwing up undigested rye bread. 

4 May 2014, 7:24 pm
Semi-Intellectual Friend:
That's fair. I got you some photos to make it up to you (though I took them last night, so it was kind of premeditated making it up to you, before I even knew I would have anything to make up. I guess it was a safe assumption). 

This toilet was totally uninteresting - too uninteresting for the blog, really, sorry - but I thought you might like to see it anyway due to its use of a carpeted floor. Carpet? In a toilet? Is there any precedent for such madness? Maybe they thought that making it really ugly carpet might make up in some way for its strangeness. I'm not sure. 

I would probably have taken some more photos but I was interrupted by some bastard who actually wanted to use the toilet, so it was either leave or linger, take some more photos, involving a man going to the toilet, and look (with good reason in this case) like a pervert.

And then my phone died. So it was a pleasure to turn on my phone this afternoon and discover the series of events that happened to you last night, from the five-hour gap from your 10pm message to OH MY HOD I'M SO DRUNK and you getting pissed at your stomach for it misattributing responsibility, like a perfect stomachwanker.

My Sunday last week was basically the same, minus rye bread.  

THE UNMITIGATED HORROR THAT IS A CARPETED BATHROOM

QUICK - LOCATE THE NEAREST WINDOW
SO THAT WE MAY JUMP OUT OF IT

4 May 2014, 7:35pm
Semi-Intellectual Friend:
Oh. I was at a wedding, btw. And I did get really drunk (FREE! BAR!), but the tower of deep fried black pudding and haggis chicken I ate (at a pub down the road because I wasn't cool enough to actually get invited to the meal [long story]) seems to have insulated my stomach against all harm. 

[lots of stuff taken out for the benefit and continued sanity of our readers] 

4 May 2014, 9:03 pm
The Privy Counsellor:
There. I've drunk a cup of water. Took me three hours, but I did it. Don't say I haven't spent my evening productively. 

[lots of stuff taken out, etc]

5 May 2014, 11:31 am
The Privy Counsellor:
I have terrible stomach cramps. I think that, maybe, spending six hours doing little else than drinking whisky, in combination with not eating anything for approximately 30 hours, wreaks havoc on one's insides. 

How's your work going, anyway?

[there is more but we think this is enough debauchery to be getting on with for now]

Ooh la la - fairly Bridget Jones-esque, no? Like Bridget Jones, we like to think that we manage to keep on keeping on thanks to a network of friends, connected by social media (telephony is just, like, so nineties). 

There was a time in our life when we found it remarkably hard to keep on keeping on, and only maintained our grip thanks to a) a helpful network of friends administering b) equally helpful amounts of whisky, and c) playing this song, featured today as a Festive Video, on non-stop repeat.

Festive Video - Bruce Springsteen, Janey Don't You Lose Heart


Related Reading

Last time we quoted huge chunks of conversation with Semi-Intellectual Friend:
Rampant Titillation - Basically, a Real-Life Epistolary Novel!

More epistolary action:

Sober As A Judge

Coasting Along: Saving Time and Effort by Plagiarising Our Friends. Also Some Otters.

A Pub Near the British Library

Christmas, the Acropolis Museum, and an Academic Debate (And Some Very Festive Calypso Music)

We Clutch Desperately at Straws, and Try to Cheer Everyone Up with One of Jonny's Pictures

Rampant Titillation - Basically, a Real-Life Epistolary Novel!

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. It seems there is simply no limit to how communicative our friends can get. We've been publishing a fair amount of Intellectual friend's musings on life, the universe, and toilet doors - always gratefully received due to their unrestrained intelligence, wit, and keen understanding of all things toilet-related - recently, and what do you know? Semi-Intellectual Friend has just dispatched a massive missive about wedding toilets!

We've been busy as, well, beavers, lately and, due to a combination of a rather solid workload and an increasingly severe obsession with Richard Armitage, we have found it a challenge to maintain our usually rigid blogging standards. Hampered in our endeavour to provide our regular readers with the edification and amusement we know they eagerly crave, we've been scratching our metaphorical beards, hoping for a long email containing amusing photos, in order to be able to pass it off as original material and save ourselves time. Well, sometimes, apparently, prayers are answered.

For layout reasons we're interspersing Semi-Intellectual Friend's drunken toilet photos in the text,
even though they're not explained till quite a bit further down.
That's a pretty weird urinal, huh?

In fact, dear readers, you are in luck. The above-mentioned solid workload and Richard Armitage obsession render us, as we have mentioned, permanently pressed for time. We simply cannot be arsed editing Semi-Intellectual Friend's message, meaning that we are going to just reproduce it as it appeared in our inbox. And, what's more, you get our replies as well! This is, basically, an epistolary novel - right up there with Les Liaisons Dangereuses and Lady Susan!

Semi-Intellectual Friend: I have photographs for the Counsel team. I'll get them to you soon I promise. Important photos. Probably life-changing. 

The Privy Counsellor: Look forward to the life-changing photos. Do they, by any chance, incorporate Richard Armitage? No worries if not, but it would be great if they did. 

No Richard Armitage in sight, alas.
There is, however, an encouraging - if empty - beer glass. 

Semi-Intellectual Friend: I do have a crapload of drunkenly-taken wedding toilet photos (is this actually one of the key genres of toilet photos these days?). To be honest, the toilets were pretty unremarkable – just your bog-standard two toilets and a bunch of urinals set-up (sorry, pun unintentional – though is it even a pun in this case?), but the choice of paper or cloth towel was a nice touch, as was the availability of hand moisturiser, which is a product that a nice lady who was trying to flog hand moisturiser down the mall told me off for never having used before. And I still haven't used any because real men have hands that are as cracked and tough as the floor of the Gobi if it was made from leather. 

Really, there are two reasons for a wee photo or two of these toilets (again, not on purpose): the very literally conceived toilet art (blurrily captured in the photos – they were classy sketches) and the super-weird urinals, which had a big step right in front of them. No-one really knew how to deal with that. To step up or pee from a distance? I think most of the users just saw it as a chance to show off and opted for distance, usually standing further back than was really necessary to demonstrate their range and power. I did have an entire conversation with a guy about the step while he was peeing, but as he was looking at me constantly while holding his penis in one of his hands I felt too uncomfortable to actually take in any of what he was saying. I think he was saying that they troubled him too. Anyway, nice toilets. 

Maybe you should set up a guest scoring system, separate from your own. But ridiculous, obviously, to ensure that all those who are not full members of the Privy Counsel are suitably belittled and aware of their low station. I'm not feeling very creative at the moment but, hmm, like, I award the above male water closet the score of Tesco's Finest 100% recycled toilet paper (possibly not a thing), though I know it probably read more like a Toilet Duck Fresh Gel Discs Lavender.

Toilet art.

That guy did have great technique. In fairness. 

And you really don't have to post what I said verbatim, if it ever goes on the site. Feel free to express what I said in your own inimitable style. And that second paragraph really wasn't part of the review, if you do put it on your website in any form. If it was, I would have spent more time thinking about a suitably shite scoring system. 

Irish toilet art.

The Privy Counsellor: ZOMG. That's amazing! Just what we need - as we've just said in the blog post we're writing, not very successfully due to getting distracted by photos of Richard Armitage, so to speak at the time of writing, our obsession with Richard Armitage renders us intellectually handicapped and differently abled to write blog posts that reach the stringent standards of intellectualism which the Privy Counsel, believe it or not, usually strives to uphold.
We've been praying for a long rambling Friend post with pictures and - GADZOOKS, EGAD - an alternative scoring system! The mind boggles! is this a new toilet-blog paradigm in the making?

Just one question: Where was the wedding? And yes, wedding toilets are totally a separate category, though we've never had Friend Toilet Photos before, so - GORBLIMEY - this is, like, totally revolutionary!!! 

Hang on, we think [Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend] just sent us more pictures of Richard Armitage...

Oh. It was a picture of Eoin McLove. *goes back to looking at Richard Armitage fan blogs* 

All good things come in threes?

Semi-Intellectual Friend: "I smell wee!" Timeless classic. 

The wedding was in Rathmullan House, a cunningly named hotel in Rathmullan, county Donegal. It was actually awesome. My uncle not only had the good sense and decency to make me one of his best men (a post I qualify for through interpersonal skills and latent Scrabble skills [well, I assume they're latent; not having played much Scrabble I'm not too sure, but I expect them to pop right out when the world finally gets up the confidence to challenge me to a game]), but he also hired out the entire hotel, which enabled everyone to get blind drunk in peace.

I fully expect your harnessing of the alternative scoring system to raise toilet-blogging to new heights, as a genre, pastime and formative new-world ideology.

The Privy Counsellor: Wedding sounds like it was really good, though we have a sneaking suspicion that you mentioned Scrabble just to annoy us.

Semi-Intellectual Friend: Re: Scrabble. I only do most things to annoy you. Even when you're not around (admittedly, almost always), I'm doing things like preferring hand dryers over recycled paper towels in the hopes that the negative impact of such an act will be chain-reactioned through all the atoms of our existence and push a small stone into your shoe when you're running, just at the exact moment your foot hits the ground (yeah! that was me). 

I'm such a fool. I can hear my friends in the next room having a discussion about how Luxembourg's toilet rolls are the best in the world and I'm in here trying to understand the semantics of the name Thor in Iceland, a subject I am totally unequipped to consider.

Apparently you can just flush them or something. They're exceptionally biodegradable.

Ireland: A place of eerie, haunting beauty.

As regular readers will know, wedding toilet pictures are totally a sub-genre. Check out ours here: Weddings.

Somehow we feel like we should end this mind-bogglingly excellent post with a festive video.

Festive video: Mitchell and Webb, Posh Dancing

Related Reading

(Don't) Aim for the Stars

HTFU: A Journey Through an Australian Dunny

Hwæt! For Better Or for Worse, Whether There Is a Toilet-Roll Holder Or Not, Etc.

A Charming Domestic Vignette from Intellectual Friend, and Musings on Intellectual Safety
AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AIR-DRYERS!

Hwæt! For Better Or for Worse, Whether There Is a Toilet-Roll Holder Or Not, Etc.

We're gearing up for Christmas* at the Privy Counsel, and what with the days being somewhat dim at this time of year**, we find ourselves reminiscing about sunnier, more carefree times***. Like Danish Friend's and Intellectual Friend's wedding, for instance! The memorable and stupendously festive wedding feast took place at Nørre Vosborg Manor, a classy establishment richly equipped with delicious cheese, wine, and cake. Let us cheer ourselves up with pictures from the toilets, and relive this stupendously joyous day!

* Drinking unsuitable amounts of very vulgar beverages.
** As Tudor Friend put it, it's "darker than the inside of a cow".
*** Entering a downward spiral of craziness.

WOOF!
Ok, so there's no toilet-roll holder, but WHO CARES?
It's a DANISH TOILET, and two of our favourite people JUST GOT MARRIED!

BAM!
Seriously, guys. Check out the mixer tap.

KHAZAM!
We just adore Danish toilets!

Clear signage.
(So useful after the sixth glass of wine!)

There was a very confusing Ye Olde Worlde kitchen right outside the toilets.
Did it remind us of something? You bet it did!

Home, hearth and coffee pot.
An emblem of Danish Friend's and Intellectual Friend's life together!
(May there be lots of scones!)

"Vaj nu, Dannebrog, på voven."
Not the wedding cake, but Another Eminently Festive Cake!

Ah, Denmark! Country of mermaids, cheese, booze and seriously excellent toilets! Just thinking about it brings a warm glow to the heart!

Our very heartiest congratulations to Danish Friend and Intellectual Friend on tying the knot and generally being awesome people! Let's finish with a festive video:


Luckily, this didn't happen. Or did it?


Related Reading
The Early Stages of Danish Friend's and Intellectual Friend's Romance
The Marriage Is Announced
The Marriage Is Announced Again
Third Time, for Luck
All the Weddings We Have Ever Been To (one of which involved, memorably, the cleanest toilet we have ever had to pleasure of throwing up in)
All Posts about Danish Friend
All Posts about Intellectual Friend
A Note on the Danish Language

In Which We Indulge in Poetry and Out-of-Context French Expressions

 We at the Privy Counsel have souls which are nothing if not overflowing with poetry. Spring has arrived at Privy counsel HQ, and birds are flapping and tooting, and flowers stretching lasciviously, all over the place. While out giving the Privy Counsel constitutions some refreshing exercise, gracing the lanes and alleys with our elegant forms in harmonious motion, we happened upon these handsome bird-cherry blossoms. Did they remind us of something? Did they ever! We think you'll agree that the colours match exactly those of the tasteful toilets below. We came across these agreeable facilities while enjoying some very rock'n'roll wedding festivities in France last year. (N.b. these are not the same toilets that Australian Friend broke.)

The scent of bird cherry is rather a favourite of ours

See what we mean about the colours? Un peu mon neveu!

Hubba!  Les bras nous en tombent!

La vache! Great, n'est-ce pas!

We won't bother you with trifles like points on a beautiful day like today (also we were very hungover at the point of use and remember very little of the experience except that we noted that there being soap was an advantage) - off you all go and cavort with the birds and the bees! Pas piqué des hannetons!

Related Reading
Trains, Sweat and Fears
Amie Australienne Va au Mariage, Casse Toilette
All Wedding Toilets

For Better or Worse: A Wedding Review

We had the great pleasure, quite some time ago, of partying lavishly at the wedding of some very dear friends. However, the subsequent lavish-party-induced exhaustion meant that we regrettably never got around to posting the pictures. When we found out some time later that our friends were expecting offspring, we thought we'd save the pictures for the happy event! The son and heir having arrived safely the other day, the time has finally come to celebrate by posting the wedding pictures! Hurrah!

If the pictures are somewhat blurry, it's because we were having far too much fun to linger
in the toilets. Here is, at any rate, a mixer tap.

Tissue can come in handy in so many ways at a wedding.

How very festive: a yellow toilet!

We can't remember what our motivation was in taking this photo.
Possibly we thought it was a good toilet-roll holder. Or a bad one. What do you think?

We seem to remember being excited by this coat-hook at the time,
hurriedly photographing it before hurtling back to the dance-floor. Or possibly the bar.

If memory serves, the merriment happened at Villa Aquila in Kävlinge, Sweden. You didn't really expect us to be counting points, did you?

Related Reading:
Hwæt! For Better Or for Worse, Whether There Is a Toilet-Roll Holder Or Not, Etc.Memorable Toilets: One Whitehall Place
An Extra Crafty Update

Amie Australienne Va au Mariage, Casse Toilette (Australian Friend Goes to Wedding, Breaks Toilet)

Zut, alors! We've been to a wedding in France, believe it or not, and pretty fabulous it was, too. Things got really exciting when Australian Friend broke the toilet! Doom! Sacrebleu!

Australian Friend broke the toilet! C'est vraiment de ta faute!

Luckily she fixed it again.

We shared this very clean toilet with a friendly cockroach

Australian Friend checking out the mixer tap

All in all we were very happy with the toilets we encountered in France, although we had an unpleasantly close encounter with a train toilet, which left us feeling repulsed and violated. Mille tonneres! (More on this later.)

Further reading:  
The Body in the Bathtub 
Another Memorable Wedding Toilet
In Which We Indulge in Poetry and Out-of-Context French Expressions

HTFU: A Journey through an Australian Dunny

 Australian Friend went to a wedding recently. We've seen the pictures from the wedding itself, and they were awesome, as the Aussies say. However, the best photos of all are these ones, from the toilets at the Pirate's Tavern in Melbourne!
Arrrr, me old seadogs, behold - a photographic journey through an Australian dunny!

Australian Friend: "Note the charming
syntactical inconsistency: ‘men’s’ and ‘ladies’.
The Olde Worlde font refers
to the Olde Worlde bar that belongs
to these toilets, The Pirate's Tavern.
Which was actually amazing."

"One wonders why the surface may be slippery..."

"Upon entry we are greeted by a traffic cone, in keeping with the great
Australian tradition of using things for purposes other than the intended."

"The main bathroom area: very old school. This was exactly the kind of bathroon we had in school...
Probably made from fibro cement, with a corrugated iron roof and a cement floor."

"And the throne itself, or as it is known down under, the ‘dunny can’. Note the old-school toilet seat
(Australian toilet seats never come unhinged like English ones do)."

"Typical Australian decor is essentially minimalist."

"Contrary to popular belief, toilet water flushes the same way in Oz as it does in England... Only better.
The Privy Counsel will note with concern the lack of a lid."
(Yes! And the toilet rolls on the floor! Hygeia had to suck down a stiff brandy
and breathe deeply for several minutes before recovering her equilibrium).

"I was pleased to find the considerate inclusion of a coat hook (so frequently lacking)
and heavy duty bolt lock. Toilet-roll holder sadly broken."

"On closer inspection of trough, note admirable design choice of function over style."
(We note with joy that there is plenty of back-up bog roll).

"Who needs a mixer tap when the only water is cold?
Who needs a soap dispenser when the soap is not in liquid form?"
(Well, quite).

"Despite the minimalism, tea light candles in jam jars and native wildflowers
make you feel loved, as you wash your hands."

 Well, wasn't that lovely! Actually these toilets only get three points according to the Privy Counsel's stringent standards, but to be perfectly honest, this was definitely the kind of party where everyone was too busy having fun to worry about the toilets! Our best wishes to the bride and groom, who looked smashing in the photos!

The Pirate's Tavern
Williamstown Maritime Association
PO Box 61
Williamstown, VIC 3016

Memorable Toilets: One Whitehall Place

Recent excesses have brought back happy memories of toilets past. We especially remember those of One Whitehall Place, where we attended the wedding of some dear friends on one happy occasion, as being exceptionally clean and enjoyable to use. Due to a certain measure of over-consumption, we ended up getting a close look at one of the toilets, and we assure our readers that we have never come across anything so clean in our lives! You could perform open-heart surgery on that toilet and not suffer any ill effects. Hygeia recommends this place warmly!

One Whitehall place. Image from thumbs.dreamtime.com.