A Brief Guide to Public Toilets

'Well, it's just that I've been so...'
Trefusis pulled the handkerchief from his face and looked at Adrian.
'But of course you have! Frantically busy. Fran-tic-ally.'
Trefusis helped himself to another cigarette from a packet that lay on top of a tower of books next to the sofa and tapped it against his thumb-nail.
'My first meeting with you only confirmed what I first suspected. You are a fraud, a charlatan and a shyster. My favourite kind of person, in fact.'

We assume that all our regular readers are familiar with familiar with Stephen Fry's The Liar. If you have been, you've only yourself to blame. The truth is, we've been so... etc. So here's an article we've shamelessly stolen. Australian Friend put us on to it.

How to Use a Public or Shared Restroom Since It’s Pretty Clear You Don’t Have a Goddamn Clue

Don't you just love modern conveniences? Drunken nights and certain New York neighborhoods aside, for the most part, we have progressed past pissing and shitting in the street. The toilet and the sewer system! A thing of beauty. Neat, quick, clean disposal of the excrement and detritus human existence is plagued by. If you live alone, in your own home, you may do as you wish with your commode. But if you have roommates, if you work in an office, or if you visit public establishments — bars, restaurants, museums and the like — you may, perchance, need to heed the call of nature in a public or shared restroom. We have, in our travels, visited some of these toilets, and it has become clear to us that folks do not understand how to behave in them. What follows should not be necessary. But it is, and we are deeply disappointed we even have to do this. Nevertheless, consider this a refresher course, a guide, to be memorized, forwarded and shared as needed.
Basically, a good policy is the following:

You should try to leave a restroom in the condition you would wish to find it.

Occasionally, you may enter a restroom in which the policy must be abandoned — the plastic shell of shame known as the porta pottie, for instance, or a particularly filthy bar toilet. In those cases, do not dilly-dally; just get in and out as quickly as possible and beg the gods of feculence for mercy.
For all other cases, here is your guide.

Let's get a few things straight.
Image from T.qkme.

Urination

aka Pissing, aka Number 1, aka Taking A Leak, aka Seeing A Man About A Horse
Urine is supposed to go in the water inside the toilet.
"Pish posh," you say. "Everyone knows that." Oh really? Then why the fuck is there urine on the toilet seat and on the restroom floor approximately all the fucking time? A great poet once said:
If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Please be neat
And wipe the seat
This applies to men, women, and children of all ages.
For the men: It is neither necessary nor interesting for us, as women, to understand why you can't hit the fucking target. We only request that if you do not, you clean up after yourself. This includes the floor. Wrap some toilet paper around your hand and wipe down the seat; drop some tissue or a paper towel on the floor and use your foot to move it around, then pick it up and dispose of it in the proper receptacle. Easy. Now you are a real man. Your mother would be proud. The universe will reward you.
What's that you say? You're not picking a dirty tissue up off the floor because it's filthy? Why sweat it, when you're about to wash your hands. Oh, you're not washing your hands properly, are you. Washing your hands is not wetting your hands. Washing your hands involves hot water and soap lather. You're an adult in a world of communicable diseases. Just do it.
Ladies: The instructions above apply to you as well. Maybe you're in a greasy spoon on the edge of town and you'd rather be set on fire than sit down on the toilet seat. Fine. It's not like you can actually catch an STD from a toilet seat. But whatever. If, by squatting, you miss or splatter, please, for the love of theoretical sterility, wipe the seat. And/or the floor. Piss it forward. You are a real woman. Your mother would be proud. The universe will reward you.
What's that you say? You're not picking a dirty tissue up off the floor because it's filthy? Why sweat it, when you're about to wash your hands. Oh, you're not washing your hands properly, are you. Washing your hands is not wetting your hands. Washing your hands involves hot water and soap lather. You're an adult in a world of communicable diseases. Just do it.
After urination:
The ideal scenario would be to close the toilet lid, flush the toilet, wash your hands, and go on about your day. However. Sometimes there is no toilet lid. In that case, just make a quick visual sweep of the area, make sure you're not leaving droplets on the seat or floor, then wash your hands and go. Should you splash water around while washing your hands, you truly ought to give the sink counter a quick swipe with your towel as you're leaving — nothing like leaning on a counter top and getting a wet spot on your shirt because some sloppy brat left the sink area a wreck. It's a special kind of loathsome narcissism that allows people to leave a public/shared restroom a mess after a quick pee break. Newsflash: You are not the only person on the planet.

All of this can happen very quickly and shouldn't take more than 60 seconds of time. If you're worried about germs, carry some hand sanitizer. But just realize you're gonna catch something a lot nastier from the ATM machine than you are from the loo.

Ready, aim, fire! Image from Guzer.

Defecation

aka Shitting, aka Pooping, aka Dropping The Kids Off At The Pool, aka Taking A Dump, aka Taking the Browns To The Super Bowl
Feces are supposed to go in the water inside the toilet.
Remember the policy: Leave things as you wish to find them. Should something go awry, do your very best to clean up. Don't slink away thinking, shit, I destroyed it in there. If possible, flush while pushing the wood chucks out of the hole. It helps with odor control, and if one flush is all organic waste, the next can be just tissue, cleaning the bowl as it goes down. Diarrhea? Splatter? Sorry, man. Sucks. But wipe the underneath of the seat down. Flush with the lid down. Don't be rude. If you know you're going to fuck shit up real good, take some matches with you. At work, you can keep a spraycan of air freshener in your "special" stall. Be considerate.

Ducks know the score. Image from Weknowmemes.

Other Issues

Mirrors

Don't hog the mirror. Don't make eye contact unless invited to do so. Don't kiss the mirror.

Pubes

If there's a pubic hair on the seat, it just doesn't seem clean. Are you shedding? Leaving pubes behind? It only takes a second to glance and check before you leave the stall. Don't leave pubes behind.

Flatulence

If you're in one stall and can hear someone else is ripping and tooting and making all kinds of bubble wrap sounds, just be kind and expedient and hurry and get the fuck out of there. She does not want to see you when she comes out. If you're the one farting like a ten cent whoopie cushion, time your exit from the stall carefully, keep eye contact at a minimum. It's for the best.

Menstruation

Never leave blood on the seat. There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women by wiping up menstrual blood. Wrap applicators and pads in TP before throwing them away.

Toilet Won't Flush/Toilet's Clogged

Tell someone who can help. ASAP. You can even ask someone in the next stall to do you a favor and inform a maintenance person so that when you're on your way out of the restroom, someone with a plunger is on their way in. Just say something, and don't slink away hoping for the best, you asshole.

In Closing

You know what you've done, and you know you can do better. Be the change you want to see in the world. There's no time like the present. Abandon your lazy, piss-poor, self-centered, half-flushing ways and see the light, bright and white as a gleaming new toilet bowl. We're watching you. And taking notes.

(Many thanks to Jezebel for letting us plagiarise their article.)

Drop that holier-than-thou attitude and just sort out the sodding toilet, ok?
Image from Xinhuanet.

 If you have been, then for God's sake get a bottle of  rum.

Related Reading
A Festive Update
Thai Toilet Chart
We Aim to Please: Interactive Toilet Game
Unique Posts about Urinals
Previous Posts about Public Toilets
Oh, and Previous Posts about Stephen Fry, of Course.

What the Yellow Rubbery Fuck: Stephen Fry Acts as Pin-Up Again!

Because it's been one of those weeks, because next week looks like it's going to be much the same, and because we could frankly do with some escapism (couldn't you? We thought so!), let's have another lovely Pin-Up picture of Stephen Fry! We haven't seen the work of fiction from which this still is taken, but we assume this is Sherlock Holmes about to inject, or perhaps having just injected, some intravenous cocaine, kicking off his shoes (but keeping his socks demonstrably on, in laudably Scandiwegian fashion), and generally about to have a thoroughly relaxing Friday evening.

Stephen Fry in contemplative, shoes-off-but-socks-on, mood. Image from Men-in-baths

Well, good gracious, that seems a good idea! See you later!
Oh, and we're planning on having a bit of an orgy this weekend, so we might be incommunicado for a couple of days. Good evening and good weekend to you, gentle readers.


Related Reading
A Christmas Mystery: The Mysterious Case of the Curse at Crapper Castle, or, Put a Lid on It, or, No Shit, Sherlock  
Our Previous Stephen Fry Pin-Up
All Previous Posts about Stephen Fry
All Previous Pin-Ups
Victorians

Privy Counsel Pin-Up: Stephen Fry

We just couldn't help ourselves: this seemed like the perfect Sunday Pin-Up! It's got everything one wants on a  Sunday: relaxation, cleanliness, a rubber duck, and that certain je ne sais quoi. AND STEPHEN FRY. In other words, a perfect picture!
Also it seemed the logical follow-up of yesterday's Pin-Up.

Stephen Fry in a bath: Hygeia leers lustily. Image from Fryaday.

A fan says: "Stephen in the bath is indeed a pick-me-up. The mouldy grout in the background is a bit of a reality-check, though."

Harrumpf, comments Hygeia.

Related Reading

Some Really Good Grouting
Some More Really Good Grouting
Even More Really Good Grouting

Gärdslösa: Runes and Royalty

It's time for some culture. We don't know about you, but after yesterday's frivolous post we at the Privy Counsel yearn for some intellectual content. Let's get medieval!
We happened to visit the church of Gärdslösa on Öland, an island off the east coast of Sweden.  Gärdslösa is the best preserved medieval church on Öland, and boasts possession of two runic inscriptions. One is on the wall near the door, and reads, "Jón/Jónn has crafted" (read all about it at the University of Aberdeen's Scaldic Poetry Project site).  The other is on a fragmented stone, and says, teasingly, "Gunnbjǫrn and Sveinn ... and Jóhan ... Thorkell(?), their very(?) good father, ... Oddvarr(?) carved the runes ... stone ... " (details here or, if you're so inclined, here).

The runes that Jón carved. Image from Schleugerhard.

Gärdslösa Church. Image from Wikipedia.

Now for the toilets. Gärdslösa Church generously provides hygiene facilities in a charming little building in a corner of the graveyard. The whole ensemble is exceptionally neat and charming, if slightly '70s in design.

Note the wheelchair ramp: disability-friendly as well as decorative!

The soap smelled extremely nice

Disability-friendly and clean

Funky seventies tile-lookalike linoleum

To continue the royalist content of a previous post (we're telling you this because we know you secretly love royalty), we may mention in passing that Margaretha, sister of the King of Sweden, Carl XVI Gustaf, was married in Gärdslösa. Wikipedia, informative as ever, tells us that Margaretha is number 196 in the British royal succession. We imagine her sitting at home in a  dark room, dabbling in voodoo to set off a plague epidemic. As another aside, here's a charming rendition of a song mentioning the King of Sweden:

Festive video: Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry, Minnie the Moocher

Related Reading
Some of our favourite royal-themed posts:
By the Sea - A Toilet Blogger's Holiday
Toilet Hurling - the Sport of Kings
The Royal toilet at Kronborg - "A Fould and Pestilent Congregation of Vapours"
Blogging Something Rotten
Waltzing Around Amalienborg

Who Knew That Going to the Toilet Could Be So Dangerous?

We love Google. And we just adore Wikipedia. Frankly, how did people amuse themselves before it was possible to waste unbelievable amounts of time looking up random facts? Faint memories stir at the back of our cerebellum: possibly people used to talk to each other. Or read books. Or give money to charity. Anyway, who cares? We've got some seriously random information for you - about famous people who died on the toilet!

Let's start with the main man, shall we? The King! Of Rock'n'Roll! Elvis! The Pelvis! He popped his clogs and joined the heavenly choir on August 16, 1977. Not a glamorous way to go, perhaps, but then again a toilet is a good a place to pass on as any.

Elvis: Hunk-a hunk-a burning... Well, let's leave it at that, shall we?

Elvis on the toilet. Believe us, there are many tasteless toilet-related Elvis images floating around
on the net. We content ourselves with this one, from bdembroidery

Edmund II of England, known to his pals as Edmund Ironside, is rumoured to have been stabbed while going to the bog in 1016.

Edmund II: If he looks startled it's because he was unexpectedly stabbed while on the toilet.
Image from thepeerage.com

King Wenceslaus III of Bohemia was killed by having a spear thrust through him while on the bog in 1306. Ouch.

King Wenceslaus III: Killed while seated on his, er, throne. Image from Wikipedia.

George II (father of the mad one) met the Grim Reaper, in the shape of an aortic dissection, while in the water closet in 1760. Wikipedia tells us that, "According to Horace Walpole's memoirs, King George 'rose as usual at six, and drank his chocolate; for all his actions were invariably methodic. A quarter after seven he went into a little closet. His German valet de chambre in waiting heard a noise, and running in, found the King dead on the floor.'"

George II: Splendid-looking man, weak interior plumbing.

Also, says Wikipedia, "In 1945, the German submarine U-1206 was sunk after the toilet malfunctioned, and a crewman's botched repair forced them to the surface". (Read all about it here.)

When going to the bog on one of these, proceed with caution. Image from wrecksite.eu

Really, where would we be without Wikipedia? Here are some fascinating facts we found entirely by mistake, from the Wikipedia page about the tv program QI (starring, of course, the inimitable Stephen Fry) :

The number of people killed by sharks since records began (roughly 2,200) is equal to just five per cent of the number of toilet-related injuries in the United States in 1996. The total number of people injured by toilets was 43,687.

The toilet paper capital of the world is Green Bay, Wisconsin.

George III's last words were "I think I'll have another one of Mr. Bellamy's pork pies". He died on the toilet, like Elvis Presley.

Like father, like son!

George III: Mad as a box of frogs. Died, reportedly, on the toilet. Image from Wikipedia (where else?)

A Germane Issue

We are delighted to note that we have had a lot of German readers this week. To make our Teutonic friends feel properly welcome, we thought we'd share some English humour involving hammy German accents and toilets. Alles klar, here's an extract from Blackadder (which, we must not forget, starred Stephen Fry as the unforgettable Colonel Melchett), season 4, episode 4!

(Captain Blackadder and Private Baldrick have been shot down and captured by Manfred von Richthofen, the Red Baron.)

von Richthofen 

So! I am the Red Baron von Richthofen and you are the two English flying aces responsible for the spilling of the precious German blood of many of my finest and my blondest friends. I have waited many months to do this.

[von Richthoven kisses Blackadder on both cheeks.] 

Blackadder 

You may have been right, Balders. Looks like we're going to get rogered to death after all. 

Baldrick 

Do you want me to go first, sir? 

[von Richthofen laughs.] 

von Richthofen 

You English and your sense of humour. During your brief stay I look forward to learning more of your wit, your punning and your amusing jokes about the breaking of the wind. 

Blackadder 

Well, Baldrick's the expert there. 

Baldrick 

I certainly am, sir. 

[von Richthofen laughs.] 

von Richthofen 

How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you, the basis of an entire culture.

Roger that.

For these people the toilet is the basis of an entire culture

Watch Baron von Richthofen strutting his stuff here.

Related Reading
Some German Toilet Paper Trivia
The German Existentialist Toilet Is, Perhaps, Here
Arachne-Philia and German-Induced Euphoria

Good Deeds Galore! Oxfam Unwrapped: Build a Bog

Today we find an excuse to start with our favourite Bridget Jones quote:

Dread the exchange of presents with friends as, unlike with the family, there is no way of knowing who is and isn’t going to give and whether gifts should be tokens of affection or proper presents, so all becomes like hideous exchange of sealed bids.  Two years ago I bought Magda lovely Dinny Hall earrings, rendering her embarrassed and miserable because she hadn’t bought me anything.  Last year, therefore, I didn’t get her anything and she bought me an expensive bottle of Coco Chanel.  This year I bought her a big bottle of Saffron Oil with Champagne and a distressed wire soap dish, and she went into a complete grump muttering obvious lies about not having done her Christmas shopping yet.

(Bridget Jones’s Diary, Fielding 1996, 293)

It has recently come to our attention that there are worse privations in life than having to use a toilet with a cumbersome horizontal lever flush, or opening doors with your elbow to avoid touching door handles after the OCD voices in your head have made you wash your hands three times.  These privations, our sources tell us, include not having a toilet at all, or not having clean water to drink, never mind wash your hands with.  Luckily, however, there are clever people working night and day to overcome these privations, building toilets and doing good deeds left, right and centre!  And not only do these good and clever people build toilets, they can also help you reduce stress this Christmas!

If you're struggling to think of what to give loved ones for Christmas, Oxfam will sort it for you!  Buy their “Build a Bog” card (£50), and someone you love gets a lovely card and a warm fuzzy feeling inside, and a toilet-deprived person receives a toilet!  How's that for multitasking!  If your finances don't quite stretch to building a bog, the Oxfam Unwrapped gifts give you many other options, for instance “Safe Water” (£9), “Hygiene Kit” (£14),  “Rainwater Collection” (£18), and “Fix a Well” (£22). We are all guilty of buying presents just for the sake of it, thus perpetuating the guilt-fuelled cycle of giving away unwanted presents. This wastes energy and increases landfill. But with Oxfam Unwrapped, you don't generate any plastic!

Isn't it fantastic!  You can now stop worrying about Christmas presents, and instead walk around with that smug, serene feeling of having done a good deed!  So practise your Princess Diana smile, give a friend a lovely card and a warm feeling inside, and give Hygeia, the goddess of health, sanitation and hygiene, a helping hand!

Build a Bog: http://www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped-diy/OU5008WS

Oxfam unwrapped: http://www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped

Also, remember that Friday is World Toilet Day! For more information, and a luscious quote by Stephen Fry, see the Wateraid website: http://www.wateraid.org/uk/get_involved/world_toilet_day/default.asp

Christmas is coming, but there's no need to panic!

Bridget Jones quote:

Fielding, Helen. Bridget Jones’s Diary. London: Picador, 1996.

SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN: World Toilet Day 19 November

Despite the mixer tap at the City Art Gallery, those dark moments have been pretty damn opaque lately.  However, it has come to our attention that Friday the 19th of November is World Toilet Day!  Can you contain your excitement?  We can.  Just.

The clever people who have invented this exciting day are Wateraid - apparently, there are people who have no toilets at all, and thus suffer more than we do, from having to use crap ones.

Here are some facts to improve your mind:

2.6 billion people do not have somewhere safe, private or hygienic to go to the toilet.

The simple act of washing hands with soap and water after going to the toilet can reduce diarrhoeal diseases by over 40%.
Anyone REALLY concerned about such matters should pop along to Oxfam Micklegate and buy one of their wonderful "unwrapped" gifts....specifically the "build a bog" one, as it is clearly the most appropriate!

Check out some more wild facts at the Wateraid website: http://www.wateraid.org/uk/get_involved/world_toilet_day/default.asp

 It's even got a quote by Stephen Fry!  This has certainly brightened our day.

HONK IF YOU LIKE TOILET DAY! (Monkey does).