Friday, 30 March 2012

Dracula: Sinister Gurglings

Jonathan Harker is as keen a tourist as ever an English gentleman was. Being a journalist, he is lucky enough to get to travel for work, and is most excited to go Transylvania
to write an article for The Plumb Pudding, a plumbing journal.

Count Dracula is a famous connoisseur of fine plumbing, and graciously invites Harker to stay at Castle Dracula. However, there are strange goings-on at the castle.
The taps are foreign and sinister, and gurgle in a most disturbing manner.

Meanwhile, back in London, Lucy Westenra, the friend of Harker's fiancée, gets engaged to Lord Godalming, and shortly thereafter develops suspiciously long teeth and an unnatural aversion to garlic.
Nobody finds this remarkable.

Lucy dies, and starts stalking Highgate Cemetary and doing rude things to children. Rather a bore, what what - can't have that sort of thing. Godalming, together with a couple of Lucy's ex-boyfriends
and some dude named van Helsing, break into her crypt.
In a very Freudian scene, they thrust a stake into her heart, and cut off her head and fill it with garlic.

Harker, van Helsing and the other dudes hunt Dracula down and silence his gurglings forever.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

More Statistical Musings

We are proud to announce that our readership has passed the 10,000 mark, and that one reader has been directed to us by googling the words "using squat toilets wearing skiboots"!

Our most popular searches include "toilet paper origami", "best wallpaper ever", "burger king disabled toilet", "absolutely fabulous toilet", "german toilet paper" and "woman with chamberpot". We are proud. Proud, damnit! 

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

The Red Lion: A Roaring Good Bog

We actually end up in the Red Lion pub in York quite a lot, for various non-toilet-related activities. It's got a very cosy, olde worlde atmosphere, the staff are friendly, and there's a lovely fireplace. Also, it smells very strongly of toilet cleaner. We haven't quite decided how to feel about this yet. Surely it is a good thing that the pub management take the cleaning of their toilets seriously? Yet one wishes that the aroma wasn't quite so pungent. But we understand that this is a common problem since the smoking ban was introduced. When people were still allowed to smoke in pubs, they smelled of all kinds of unimaginable horrors - only nobody noticed! So we won't hold the smell against the Red Lion, but continue to enjoy the ambience.

So unexpected we nearly screamed: A mixer-tap! In an ordinary English pub!
We'd rather not know what creepy, unhygienic substances might be hiding behind
all that wood and carpet, but find the ensemble rather charming, nonetheless.
This soap will never set the Thames on fire,
but it does the job
One can only approve of a pub that provides adequate, er, safety measures

The main event, so to speak. Perfectly fine, isn't it?
A charming window adds the right olde-worlde touch, and crucial ventilation

 We give this toilet six points, which ain't bad for a pub bog!

The Red Lion
2 Merchant Place
York, North Yorkshire, YO1 9TU
Telephone: 01904 640418

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Jack White on British Plumbing: Unsubstantiated Claims

Being academically trained to the point where we are completely useless to society; over-educated, over-qualified and utterly, utterly unemployable, we like to back up any claims we make and quote references at every opportunity. However, we had a thrilling text message the other day, from Semi-Intellectual Friend. It was regarding Jack White (who we quite like simply by virtue of him laughing very nicely at the end of Loretta Lynn's song Mrs Leroy Brown) of the White Stripes, and said:

You've probably heard this before on the plumbing grapevine (I guess that's a 5/8 inlet pipe?) but, shockingly, Jack White doesn't like British plumbing. Apparently the hot water isn't hot enough. He also has a separate air-conditioning issue.

We threw ourselves at Google, in an attempt to back up this interesting claim. It turned out to be the most fruitless Google search since an elderly lady in Blackpool tried to find evidence of Elvis being alive, and died of heart failure due to the exertion. Further enquiries, however, revealed that our titillating piece of unsubstantiated news stems from a BBC radio programme. Anyone who has time and energy to spare may listen to this no doubt high-quality programme here:

Usually one gets very interesting results from googling the formula "Celebrity Name +toilet", but it would appear that Jack White has, for unknown reasons, not yet let himself be photographed in close proximity to a crapper. He's probably just waiting for the right moment. Here is a nice picture, though, of Jack White and Loretta Lynn.

Image from this blog: reference.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Dizzying Heights of Toilet Perfection

We meant to offer you a fascinating glimpse of the bathroom of Italian friends of ours (it's got under-floor heating and mixer-taps!), but we're having technical difficulties with the Privy Counsel camera. In order to avoid desperate attempts to jump out of windows, allow us to present instead this bathroom from Forte di Bard, in Bard, Italy, as consolation. Forte di Bard was originally a medieval fortress and is situated on the top of a small mountain. How fitting that such a thrilling location should offer such excellent toilets!

Bard has apparently had a bridge in this spot since Roman times.
One wonders if it, like London Bridge, once housed toilets...

We often yearn for the fabled Continent, where sinks like this one are normal.
Oh! to be in possession of such a mixer-tap!

Tissue and bin

An exemplary, clean toilet, with a water-saving and disability-friendly flush

We are not convinced by the eco credentials of Kimberly Clark.
Nonetheless, this is a very sanitary toilet-paper arrangement.

This toilet was both pleasantly warm and securely locked.
We do enjoy proper toilets with a sturdy door, as opposed to flimsy cubicles offering as much privacy as the morning toilette of Louis XIV. Hence, the sturdy door earns this toilet a bonus point, bringing the total up to 9.

Fortress of Bard Association
11020 Bard (AO)
Valle d'Aosta
Ph: +39 0125 833811
Ph: +39 0125 809811

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Privy Counsel Family Values

You will be relieved to know that the risk of us running out of bog roll here at the Privy Counsel is, for the moment at least, significantly reduced. We went shopping with Canadian Friend yesterday, and were delighted to find this ENORMOUS pack of toilet roll - 24 rolls for £8! Luckily, Canadian Friend has a car...

We are not overly enamoured with the Sainsbury's own-brand toilet tissue - it's bleached and comes in unpleasant colours. But at least it's FSC-marked.

Just as George the Prince Regent enjoyed enormous trousers,
so the Privy Counsel enjoys enormous packs of bog roll

Thursday, 15 March 2012

HTFU: A Journey through an Australian Dunny

 Australian Friend went to a wedding recently. We've seen the pictures from the wedding itself, and they were awesome, as the Aussies say. However, the best photos of all are these ones, from the toilets at the Pirate's Tavern in Melbourne!
Arrrr, me old seadogs, behold - a photographic journey through an Australian dunny!

Australian Friend: "Note the charming
syntactical inconsistency: ‘men’s’ and ‘ladies’.
The Olde Worlde font refers
to the Olde Worlde bar that belongs
to these toilets, The Pirate's Tavern.
Which was actually amazing."

"One wonders why the surface may be slippery..."

"Upon entry we are greeted by a traffic cone, in keeping with the great
Australian tradition of using things for purposes other than the intended."

"The main bathroom area: very old school. This was exactly the kind of bathroon we had in school...
Probably made from fibro cement, with a corrugated iron roof and a cement floor."

"And the throne itself, or as it is known down under, the ‘dunny can’. Note the old-school toilet seat
(Australian toilet seats never come unhinged like English ones do)."

"Typical Australian decor is essentially minimalist."

"Contrary to popular belief, toilet water flushes the same way in Oz as it does in England... Only better.
The Privy Counsel will note with concern the lack of a lid."
(Yes! And the toilet rolls on the floor! Hygeia had to suck down a stiff brandy
and breathe deeply for several minutes before recovering her equilibrium).

"I was pleased to find the considerate inclusion of a coat hook (so frequently lacking)
and heavy duty bolt lock. Toilet-roll holder sadly broken."

"On closer inspection of trough, note admirable design choice of function over style."
(We note with joy that there is plenty of back-up bog roll).

"Who needs a mixer tap when the only water is cold?
Who needs a soap dispenser when the soap is not in liquid form?"
(Well, quite).

"Despite the minimalism, tea light candles in jam jars and native wildflowers
make you feel loved, as you wash your hands."

 Well, wasn't that lovely! Actually these toilets only get three points according to the Privy Counsel's stringent standards, but to be perfectly honest, this was definitely the kind of party where everyone was too busy having fun to worry about the toilets! Our best wishes to the bride and groom, who looked smashing in the photos!

The Pirate's Tavern
Williamstown Maritime Association
PO Box 61
Williamstown, VIC 3016

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Bach's Bog - Handwashing and Harmony

 Canadian Friend went to Germany to visit a friend, who has since mysteriously become obsessed with toilets. Welcome to the fold, Canadian Friend's German friend!
These two pals went to visit the historical houses of many distinguished Germans, for instance Goethe, Schiller and Bach. Bach's house turned out to have very interesting toilets, and we are delighted to show you Johann Sebastian's actual bog!

Bach's actual bog! Says Canadian Friend philosphically: "His poo actually dropped there and he probably piddled on that seat, if he was like other men. But he wasn't, he was a genius!!
And if he peed with the dexterity that he played the organ, he probably had excellent aim."

Imagine! This man used that toilet!

Images from the museum toilets, which seem very modern and excellent:

An admirable coat-hook

Canadian Friend: "These toilets really were spotless and spiffy."
Water-saving flush and covered bin, though the loo roll is only half-covered, alas!

A mixer-tap and roll-away towel - we weep with joy!

A polite notice to turn the tap off:
"Liebe Besucher, wir Bitten Sie, den Wasserhahn nach Gebrauch zu schließen. Vielen Dank!"

 As you can see, these are absolutely tip-top toilets 
and get a gob-smacking twelve points!

Well done, Germany!

Related Reading
All Posts by German Friend
Blogging Something Rotten

Monday, 12 March 2012

The Keen Cast of Toilet Tales

As we doubt not that our vigilant and intelligent readers have noticed, there has been an addition to the Toilet Tales cast! Canadian Friend kindly presented us with Tubby the Bathtub, who starred in the gripping drama Jane Eyre - Plunging into Passion, the other day. We thought we'd introduce the full cast, for your edification and delight!

From left to right: Tubby the Bathtub, Flushie the Toilet, and Professor Plunger
The knitting patterns of these fabulous creatures are available here.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Jane Eyre - Plunging into Passion

After a horrid childhood spent being cold and miserable and eating boiled vegetables,
Jane Eyre comes to Thornfield Hall to be governess to Mr Rochester's ward.
The plumbing is so-so but the views are magnificent.

Jane and Rochester fancy each other right from the start but spend a lot of time being starched and Victorian.
One night, however, Jane suggestively saves Rochester's life when his bed mysteriously catches fire.
The flames of passion are hot, hot, hot, as are the bed curtains. Jane's dress is wet, wet, wet.

Finally, during a climactic thunderstorm, Rochester gets round to proposing to his chaste and timid governess.
Their love blooms like a wild, exotic flower on the bleak Yorkshire moors.

Unfortunately, it turns out that Rochester is already married, having locked up his mad wife in the attic.
Jane figures this augurs badly for her chances of marital happiness, and runs away.

She nearly starves to death, but is taken in by an aspiring missionary by the name of St John Rivers.
St John asks Jane to marry him and go to India to convert heathens by the dozen.

Jane agrees, and her Hindi studies are progressing nicely when she is interrupted
by Mr Rochester callling her in a dream. "Jane!" he calls.

Jane reckons she doesn't want to be a missionary any more. She finds Mr Rochester, who is disfigured and blind. His voice, however - that deep, vibrating timbre - is unchanged. He says his wife is dead. Jane finally becomes Mrs Rochester, and like any god-fearing Victorian couple Jane and Rochester have several children.
Related Reading
Privy Counsel Pin-Up: Ablutions with Toby
Pride and Prejudice and Plumbing

Friday, 9 March 2012

Face-Arse Farce

We at the Privy Counsel frequently can't tell our arse from our elbow, and we fervently believe that there is no shame in that. However, when you can't tell your arse from your face is when you really start having problems! So, how to solve such a humiliating dilemma? Well, as anyone with a disability knows, having the right aid makes the world of difference. That's why we were so utterly fucking delighted to receive this useful and amusing gift!

 Many thanks to our beautiful make-up obsessive friend!

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