Monday, 5 October 2020

Silver Linings, Golden Nuggets

 Look, we're not saying that pictures of Jonny have the power to cure all social ills, or even our own increasingly importunate existential angst. They do, however, give our days that certain je ne sais quoi - call it succour, call it a balm for the soul, call it thirty seconds of semi-ironical perving to distract one from the fanatical horror clowns banging pot lids behind one's prefrontal cortex. Whatever you want to label them as, pictures of Jonny are in abundance right now, our favourite young whipper-snapper having hit a creative seam that yields nugget after nugget of pure gold. (At least the gold metaphor works well, we think, if you're into toilet selfies of Jonny - some people, puzzlingly, appear not to be.)

Before we immerse ourselves in the symphonic poetry that is lots of lovely photos of Jonny in a toilet however, let's have some context. Some readers may not be as regular as others, and may not remember who, what, or why Jonny is. Let us make the preamble brief, however, so as not to frustrate those readers who are admirably regular, and are gagging for what we might term Jonny gold:

 Jonny is a young man from the North of England who we count as a friend for administrative reasons. He enjoys cycling, and public toilets. Some years ago we composed a lonely hearts ad for Jonny's benefit, which turned out to be a roaring success. Recently, Jonny and the queen of his heart - who, it appears, followed our advice and threw herself at this man - went on a romantic weekend together.

Jonny wrote to us, in his usual forthright style:

COVID ruined my weekend away.

But we booked a Premiere Inn in the Lakes. We got a disabled room as it was the only one left. Plenty of room in the bathroom to take pics.
Every cloud.

Jonny using adequate protection.

We could not agree more.

This looks like stupendously good cake.

Again, we could not agree more.
Some days later, having feasted on cake and other delights until he presumably couldn't take it any more, Jonny wrote again:

I'm wearing the same t-shirt but I travelled in it.
So many grab handles
It's huge in here
The oh! so ironical bottle of Corona adds, we're sure you agree, a pungent note of political realism.

Finally, Jonny ventured into what we might presume to call the tempestuous waters of political allegory, saying:

Found the worst toilet ever
Who on earth would want to sit in that corner seat facing the urinals?
No cubicles
STANK so bad.
One's heart, indeed, sinks at the sight of this sad state of things...

...but soars with delight at the vision of this Albion Apollo.

Our - for want of a better adjective - clear-sighted eagle eye spotted immediately that the hand-washing apparatus is the exact same kind as that in Morrison's in York, at least as it looked in 2011. We also remarked that the seat might in fact be a shelf, on which one might perhaps place a rucksack (or, depending on what one happens to be carrying at the point of needing to use this toilet, a large sack of potatoes, or a treasure chest overflowing with glittering, non-metaphorical gold). Jonny replied:

Oh, it could be for your bag. That's less weird.
1) I wouldn't put my bag on it either. 2) I wouldn't need to take my bag off to pee.
The handwashing apparatus was also broken.
We here ventured to suggest that this toilet might, in fact, be a representation of Britain today, at which Jonny retorted, as he is so often wont to do, "Are you putting words in my mouth?" Yes. Yes, we are. These are our words:
Everything is broken, dirty, and horrible, but at least there's Jonny.
According to tradition, there should now be a Festive Video. Since, as our long-suffering friends will attest, our favourite method of perving on Toby Stephens at the moment is enjoying the sight of pirates in tight trousers scheming against a) each other, b) the weather, and c) women wielding political power, let's have this enjoyable scene from Black Sails.
Festive Video: "Black Sails | The Best of Black Sails: Vane’s Warning in Charles Town | STARZ" 

Related Reading

Jonny and a Public Toilet - A Treat for Single Ladies

May we take this opportunity, while we have your ear, to remind you that there is a right way and a wrong way to hang toilet roll

Morrisons York: Aw, for f...

If you like toilets used as political metaphor, you may also enjoy Athens: Vacillating with Vespasian 

Another age-old method of perving on Toby Stephens is enjoying Jane Eyre

 While we're at it, we might as well take the opportunity of scoffing at people who haven't read Jane Eyre

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