To Be Or Not to Be - A Loo So Existential It Doesn't Even Exist

Our habit of posting pictures of persons tending to their hygiene in a positive, informative way has rendered us susceptible to piques. On our insisting that the Privy-Counsel Pin-Ups are "TASTEFULLY semi-naked [men in bathrooms]", Tudor Friend replied, sardonically, "We all tell ourselves what we need to, in order to sleep at night".

Following up on this, we thought we'd post something a) philosophical, and b) scientific, just to prove our academic credibility, to those who may doubt it. Let's start with the philosophical item, to establish our rampant cultivation. German Friend, ever philosophical, ever vigilant, spotted an exciting sign in Covent Garden saying "Loo of the year". Our intrepid Teutonic friend naturally strode forth to investigate, only to discover that the loo was not.

I had a rather solo-festive (festive!) weekend here, mainly treating myself. Ahoi!

I mingled with the touristy masses in Central London. And as I needed to see a man about a dog I found a potential entry to the vault of lavatories.

"Loo of the year"!! I mean, "Loo of the year"!!!!

And then it doesn't even exist... How can I ever bring my self to urinate again when it can't be done on the "Loo of the year"!?

You tell me.

An inciting sign to get one's blood up:
"Loo of the Year"

Promising!
But actually, avoid Jubilee Market if you need to see a man about a dog!

Disappointing!
Sign says: "There are no public toilets in this market.
The nearest are next door to St Paul's Church in the Piazza."

In toilet-related news from the science world, behold, the colonoscopy-replacing camera!

Ain't it a beaut!
Image from news.discovery.com

This nifty gadget can, when swallowed, take high-quality pictures of your insides, allowing doctors to analyse what's troubling them. "Patients will neither get shafted in the rear end nor their wallets", according to an article that a close acquaintance sent us.

For more high-quality images (not of someone's innards), see tomorrow's exuberantly romantic post!

Finally, let's have a festive video!

Festive video: Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper, (619) 239-KING. "Call me, Elvis!"

Related Reading
The Existentialist Toilet Is, Perhaps, Here
Privy Counsel Pin-Up - Now with 50 % Less Creepiness
Dread, Rage, and Out-of-Order Urinals
The Spirit of Christmas: Urinals, Mixer-Taps, Relief
Privy Counsel Pin-Up: James Purefoy

PooPourri - The Paranoia Reaches Epic Levels

Strike us pink with a towel soaked in brandy, but we receive a lot of fizzling, gung-ho correspondence! Hark to our latest missive from Tudor Friend:

Someone posted this on Facebook and it wasn't you. Therefore, I had to send it! I haven't looked into whether or not it's real - I'll leave that to the intrepid Privy Counsel! - but it's almost funnier if it isn't.... If it's real, I'm mildly disturbed!

What could possibly have made Tudor Friend "mildly disturbed", you wonder, suspiciously. Why, this very, umm... Well. This advertisement.

Does one despair, even more than usual, at the state of humanity, when such a product is deemed necessary? One does. Also, one wonders what the hell it contains, and suspects that, like the various kinds of horrifying scented toilet paper, it ain't exactly planet-friendly. As regular readers are aware, we can get quite rampant on the subject of unnecessary chemicals (read previous rants here, here, and here). Having endured more science classes in our youth than is compatible with health and sanity, we had a shrewd suspicion that this concoction is oil-based, with some kind of scent to make it appeal to gullible proles. And we were probably more or less spot-on, at least according to the other paranoid nerds we consulted.

If Eau de Dairy Farm isn't your thing, help is at hand.
Image: Youtube.

We reckon that, if you were really anxious about smells emanating from the toilet, you could get yourself a spray-bottle with olive oil and maybe a few drops of lavender oil, and get much the same effect, but cheaper. Alternatively, you could adopt the approach of the grandfather of one of the Council's members, who claimed vehemently and memorably that "a shithouse should smell like a shithouse". We reckon that's as much sense as we're going to make out of this topic.

Oh, and by the way, it is a real product. Here's the website. You can follow it on Twitter and everything.

We're off to throw ourselves out the nearest window.

Related Reading
If You Enjoy Ludicrous and Unnecessary Products, Don't Forget to Get Your Andrex Shea-Butter Knickers
Roaring Good Roman Fun (because we find ourselves in danger of getting depressed, and fancied some fun and comparatively normal reading)
A Calamitous and Inflammatory Blend of Toilet Paper and History
Highlights from Our Correspondence
Ventilation: Getting Fresh? (about chemicals in air-fresheners)

SISTERS STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES

Phew. Here we were, feeling a bit sorry for ourselves for suffering from the vicious combination of a) being academically challenged and b) feeling shagged-out and sleep-deprived after the weekend's debauched shenanigans, when we received a most invigorating missive from a very dear friend of ours! Our most charming and intelligent female friend says (regular readers will be aware that we have mentioned the Shewee once or twice before):

I would like you to know that on the basis of your Shewee review on the bog blog, I have purchased a Shewee. It is awesome. I am so happy. I didn't even know these existed until I read about it on your site. You have changed my life for the better. [...] I was talking to a friend about it from Germany, and we decided to take control of our womanhood together. After a preliminary shower period, we purchased wet wipes, men's underwear (this was not effective) and 6 litres of water each and went on a road trip, the main purpose of which was to pee everywhere.
And that's what we did. It was fantastic. We peed on buildings, in a stream, into grates, on a monument, and off of a cliff. We did it standing beside each other, and circumspectly checked each other's Shewees out when the other wasn't looking.
Unfortunately, it was not 100% successful, but we were expecting that there be some problems at the beginning, and it improved. I guess it's not so good when you are drinking alcohol as well, we discovered later that evening.
Next time I go climbing, I'm taking it with me, and I will drink as much water as I like and not be nervous about finding a hidden corner anymore.

Sistahs standing up! Taking control of their womanhood!
Image from Egotripland

There is only one response that adequately describes one's feelings on receiving such a communication, and that is "WOW!!!" Do you feel spiritually and intellectually rejuvenated? We do!
Interestingly, right when we thought our friend's e-mail couldn't get any more fabulous, IT WENT AND GOT EVEN MORE FABULOUS!

There was also some breaking of the law involved, unfortunately. We went up a Celtic hill fort for the first pee. It took a lot longer to get there than we thought, so we had to go pretty bad once we made it to the top. Then we heard gunshots. It was a private hunting ground. Interestingly, instead of running away, we just moved away from the wooded bit until we couldn't hear the shots anymore. That's where we peed off the first time. Then we saw the "private property no trespassing" sign.

Sisters, take control! (Please note, the Privy Counsel in no way endorses breaking the law.)
Image from Shewee

Then guess what happened? HOLY SHIT IT JUST KEPT GETTING FABULOUSER AND FABULOUSER!

Then we went to this 10th-century church in Nether Wallop. On the way we foolishly stopped at the village pub and met the whole village, they were all there. They gave us directions to the church. After we peed everywhere and signed the book, we noticed the CCTV. In the chuch we made it up into the belltower, unfortunately the bells started ringing about 5 seconds after we got up there. I think we nearly died twice that day. But we peed everywhere, so it was a big success.

Image from Humourflare

Well, that's about as much unbridled joy as a bitter, partied-out toilet blogger can take in one evening! Readers, join the revolution! Get yourself a Shewee device, stride confidently out and urinate, then tell us all about it!
Also, stay tuned for the sequel: The Privy Counsellor Encourages Widespread Use of the Sheewee in Combination with Alcohol Consumption.

A sister standing up.
Image from Broketheinterweb

Related Reading
Far from the Madding Crowd: A Walker's Dilemma
Ladies, Don't Take Life Sitting Down

Ladies, Don't Take Life Sitting Down

Happy news today! In addition to having found its spiritual home, as reported yesterday, the Privy Counsel has found a soul mate! The Norwegian site kk.no is at least as paranoid as we are when it comes to bacteria, if not more! We find this immensely encouraging and vow to redouble our efforts to develop the worst case of OCD since the dawn of psychoanalysis.
 However, that's not the main news. Norwegian Friend sent us a link describing this nifty gadget. Regular readers may recall our update about the Shewee, saviour of needy women everywhere, but especially in cold places with a biting wind. The Gogirl contraption, however, is made of flexible silicone with a splash guard, which makes us think that it's easier and more comfortable to use than the Shewee. On the other hand, the Shewee is made from polypropylene, which is recyclable and therefore potentially environmentally friendly, which we like.

The Gogirl female urination device. Image from Cleanseat UK

  The Gogirl, unlike the Shewee, does not appear to be machine washable. It is, however, washable with soap and water and can withstand boiling water.
Our friend at the Roman Bath Museum claims to have invented a similar contraption with "accordion plastic attachments [and] calligraphy heads for fancy snow writing, too". However, laments Roman Bath Friend, "No one wanted it. [...] I don't understand women, clearly". We sympathise.

Anyone who's used this gadget, with or without an accordion attachment for snow writing, please feel free to share your experience. Leave a comment or email us at theprivycounsellor@gmail.com.

Related Reading:
Toilet etiquette for ladies (in Norwegian)
SISTERS STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES
Far From the Madding Crowd: A Walker's Dilemma
Roman Bath Museum - Crap on a Stick

Lucy Worsley and Jane Austen: Historical Toilet Etiquette

A historian who likes getting under the skin of our dirty, filthy ancestors - what's not to like! We just adore Lucy Worsley, who we may have mentioned once or twice before. Her blog features a survival guide for Georgian courtiers, including some pretty fascinating toilet-related information. We're taking the liberty of reproducing a section of the update:

1. What should you wear at court? Ladies have to wear the court uniform: the ‘mantua’. A coat-like dress spread out sideways over immensely wide hoops, this formal court dress has become trapped in a fashion time warp. Tightly-laced, uncomfortable, and immensely heavy because of the silver in the weave, its skirts get wider and wider as the eighteenth century progresses. Your arms descend from a requisite three rows of frills. (‘I am so incommoded with these nasty ruffles!’ says Fanny Burney.) You should wear your best jewels, and carry a fan.

Gentlemen should wear a wig, an embroidered suit and a sword, and under their elbows they carry a flat, unwearable version of a hat. Because you have to bare your head in front of the king, no one wears real hats at court. However, you can gate-crash a court party quite easily if you borrow the right clothes and slip a shilling to the footman on the door. You can even hire a sword from a booth at the entrance. ‘Dress is a very foolish thing’, declares the arch-courtier Lord Chesterfield, and yet, at the same [time], ‘it is a very foolish thing for a man not to be well dressed’.

Tip: you can’t be overdressed.

2. How do you walk in a dress like that? It’s quite hard to walk in a mantua, and only grand palace doorways have the width to accommodate the hooped skirts without turning sideways. The whalebone hoops force you to take tiny steps, so court ladies are described as looking like they roll along on wheels. Ladies-in-waiting aren’t allowed to sit down, or to fold their arms. Before exiting the royal presence they have to curtsey three times, then back out of the room. But don’t worry: your dancing master will train you in how to do all this.

Tip: take tiny, elegant steps, and practice beforehand.

3. How on earth does one relieve oneself in such a dress? It’s easier than it looks, as you won’t be wearing knickers (not invented yet). You may squat over a chamberpot, or else you use a ‘bourdaloue’. This is a little jug like a gravy boat that you clench between your thighs. Privacy is not essential, and the French ambassador’s wife annoys everyone with ‘frequency and quantity of her pissing which she does not fail to do at least ten times a day amongst a cloud of witnesses’.

However, if the queen doesn’t grant you permission to go, you just have to try to hold on. One of Queen Caroline’s ladies was once defeated by a bursting bladder. A humiliating pool of urine crept out from under her skirt and ‘threatened the shoes of bystanders’.

Tip: take a ‘bourdaloue’ with you.

(from Lucy Worsley's blog)

A very elegant early-19th-century bourdaloue. Image from Jane Austen's World

Our ancestors weren't as uptight about privacy and hygiene as we are. Generally, it seems as though prudery started sometime in the early Victorian era. Before then, it was considered perfectly acceptable to relieve oneself during dinner. And why not? Lavatories were generally situated outside, and were consequently often cold, dark and smelly. Much more conventient to bring the toilet to you!

18th-century lady showing how to use a bourdaloue. Image from Jane Austen's World

A gentleman demonstrating correct etiquette at an 18th-century English dinner party.
Image from Jane Austen's World

The Jane Austen's World blog explains,

[...] It was [the lady's] maid who brought the vessel in, for bourdaloues were compact and came with a cover. When a lady had to relieve herself she would, I imagine, retreat discreetly to a private corner [...] Her maid would then hand the vessel over to her mistress, who took care not to spill any liquid on her skirts. When the lady was finished, she would hand the bourdaloue to her maid to empty its contents.  When attending a play or opera at the theatre, I imagine she would again retreat to a darker more private corner of the box to urinate. Designed only for women, these bourdalous are quite beautiful. Made of faience or porcelain, they are decorated with flowers or painted scenes. Many are gilded. The portable pots, or coach pots as they were known in England, could be decorated inside as well.  They were quite small and compact, designed for travel, which made it easy to carry them and pack them for coach trips. They were also taken to long banquets, where ladies would scurry behind curtains when they needed to go. Bourdaloues were used throughout the 18th and for most of the 19th century. As water closets began to be built inside homes and buildings, the use of these chamber pots began to be reduced dramatically.

Watch Lucy Worsley demonstrating how to use a bourdaloue here:


Festive video: Lucy Worsley, Bathroom - History of the Home (1/4)

Related reading
Privy Counsel Pin-Up - Colin Firth
Pride and Prejudice and Plumbing
The Shewee.
Women's toilet troubles: The Historical Toilet Tour of York
Victorian Servants Have Taken over the Book Club
Victorian Morality
An impartial view of the Victorians.
A selection of bourdaloues and chamberpots can be seen at Christinehof Castle.
http://www.lucyworsley.com/

Toilet Showers: Reaching the Bottom

Oriental loos all appear to have these funky toilet showers. We imagine they are the forerunner of the Japanese bottom-cleaning toilets. With our last blog update in view, isn't it lucky that you don't find these in Britain - scalding one's bottom would be extremely uncomfortable!
Could one term them a tree-friendly alternative to toilet paper?

Related Reading:

• Pipe Dreams: Japan
• Jolly Japes in Japan
• Lost in Translation! Pipe Dreams: Japan

Far From the Madding Crowd: A Walkers' Dilemma

Did you find yourself having to heed the call of nature while out for a walk this Christmas? Was it a pain in the arse? Did you end up resenting, and perhaps heartily cursing, those among your male acquaintance who can casually relieve themselves against any tree, without having to worry about privacy?
Well, you can stop fretting now, thanks to a nifty little gadget called the Shewee! In our opinion, this is one of the most important steps towards equality between the sexes since women's suffrage. Women no longer have to expose their behinds to inclement weather, but can heed the call of nature in comfort!

Looks pretty space-agey and stylish, too!

Related Reading:
SISTERS STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES
Ladies, Don't Take Life Sitting Down!

Pipe Dreams: Japan

Friends, readers, toilet-goers! Let us make a pilgrimage! Leaving this dreary, hygienically challenged island, let us go to Japan, a land flowing with, so to speak, milk and honey and automatic flushes! Wouldn't you want to live in a country where nobody urinates in public, where dog mess is ALWAYS dealt with, and where toilets give your arse a pleasant shower? Thought so. (The secret, apparently, is to have an arse-shower that decreases in strength 70 times per second - that gives the cleanest feeling. Aren't the Japanese marvellous?)
Read all about it in this (unfortunately linguistically challenged) article from Sydsvenskan!
Hurrah for Japan!

A Short, Gadgetty Update

We're not sure how our friends end up finding these things on the Internet, and we're not sure that we want to know.  We are equally unsure how necessary this gadget is, but it is certainly amusing:

http://www.gadgets.co.uk/item/LAVNAV/LavNav-Nightlight.html