A Charming Domestic Vignette from Intellectual Friend, and Musings on Intellectual Safety

Intellectual Friend has been rather prominent on everyone's favourite toilet blog lately (see for instance the post Blurry, Lop-Sided Archive Musings, and Cuteness, Intellectual Solace, and a Correction), and continues to be so. This is a boon to an intellectually weary toilet blogger and, we imagine, to intellectually and otherwisely curious blog readers, eager for edification and amusement. Let us have, for this is what we have on offer, a charming little vignette of domestic life at Intellectual friend's and Danish Friend's abode. Intellectual Friend writes, referring to our recent, well, for want of a better word, orgy, in Intellectual Friend's literary efforts:

Hurrah for everlasting fame, glory and renown!! And many thanks for upholding my by now mythically legendary intellectual reputation (which also conveniently allows me from time to time, I suppose, to not live up to it at all and yet still pretend to deserve it, if need be by invoking the truth-transcending quality of myth and the fact that legendary things are true insofar as one doesn't actually check if they are actually true)! 

As to less publishable news (notwithstanding some implicit typological relation to toilets), that have somewhat less to do with either romance or intellect and rather more with man's pragmatic everyday struggle for survival in this perilous world, our bathroom door underwent a comprehensive, unidirectional and irreversible latch failure this morning at 7 am, and this occurred regrettably, as fate would have it, while I was actually inside and intending to be out, and so was operating the fateful handle-latch-bolt mechanism, being urged (me, and not in the least the impassive mechanism) by prospects of an impending and much-needed rich breakfast. In other words, the bathroom had locked me in like a damp burial chamber, and, after trying some of those old burglar tricks one sees in films, none of which worked due to our bathroom door having been designed to successfully resist attempts at breaking out from within as well as in from without, I embarked on an epic and merciless combat lasting three quarters of an hour, and, with the crucial help of an able wife accomplice passing me arrays of weapons through the arrowslit window, I eventually hacked and stabbed and speared and nailed and bit and tore my way out, leaving a decimation of bent and slaughtered metal debris and a desolation of harassed and ruined wood shards and choppings behind me, through the vicious and ruthless employment of a kitchen knife and a sturdy screwdriver.

Our recent baffling, inexplicable, and mostly non-plumbing-related obsession with Richard Armitage renders us at present distracted, incoherent and absent-minded, but even we, in our intellectually unaccountable state, realise that a charming vignette needs an illustration.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a 15th-century aquamanile, used for the washing of hands at table.
Image from Pinterest.

Does this lovely aquamanile remind us of something? Does it ever! It reminds us of the lavoire, on which Intellectual Friend expounded most eloquently and intellectually, for the benefit of all our regular readers in the Academic Excesses post.

The lovely lavoire from Malmöhus museum.
Image from The Privy Counsel.

We feel safe knowing that Intellectual Friend remains ever intellectual, ever acute, not relaxing for a moment his ceaseless vigilance against ignorance and academic inaccuracy. This vigilance allows us to occasionally let down our own intellectual guard, and safely indulge in fan blogs devoted to Richard Armitage, while planning our upcoming Privy Counsel Pin-Up post.

Also, speaking of intellectual vigilance, we've got an exciting, incendiary, ground-breaking, paradigm-smashing post from Semi-Intellectual Friend coming up!

Related Reading
Blurry, Lop-Sided Archive Musings
Cuteness, Intellectual Solace, and a Correction
Lavoire of Love
Academic Excesses
Privy Counsel Pin-Ups

Blurry, Lop-Sided Archive Musings

Since writing the below, we've sobered up, got drunk again and engaged in what we're pretty sure qualifies as line-dancing. You only live once.

Egad, corblimey and plain out zounds! what a week it's been! We've been working semi-productively on an etymological mystery with Intellectual Friend, heard some good news from Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend, and generally experienced a reasonable amount of thrilling tidings, semi-unbridled festiveness and joie de vivre!  (And only part of that joie de vivre is beer-induced.)
Another thing that's been adding fizziness to the Privy Counsel atmosphere is burrowing into the archives at Arkivcentrum Syd. This festive archive, filled literally to the rafters with exciting material and friendly staff, isn't far from our favourite university library, the Lund University Library - one of the toilets of which we have privately dedicated to Intellectual Friend, in homage to his giant intellect! (A truly dazzling intellect deserves its own honorary toilet, surely?)
Also, we are simply bursting with delight to tell you, the toilets at Arkivcentrum Syd are excellent. No relative, maybe, hmm-let's-think-about-it caution here - these toilets are truly spiffing!
Enjoy:

We regret that modern technology has, once again, thrown a spanner
into the works. If you find this sideways toilet perspective enjoyable,
see Gleeful Antics at Grays Court.

Check this out! Mixer tap, cleanliness and gleaming hygiene as far as the eye can see!

We fucking love these doorhandles.
They're easy to use, and you can operate them with your elbow, meaning
you don't have to recontaminate your hands by touching the doorhandle
after painstakingly washing your hands.
If you enjoy opening doors with your elbow, see our OCD label.

Isn't that lovely!

Woof! UNBLEACHED PAPER TOWELS IN A STYLISH HOLDER!
If you enjoy paper towels, see our post called AAAAAAARGH!

Here's the sink again. Christ, it's lovely.

AND HERE'S THE BEST THING OF ALL! TOILET ART!!!

This painting, displayed in the Arkvicentrum cloakroom,
is by a chap called Peter Lundström. It's entitled Orpheus Street.
(N.b. the painting is also sideways, due to technical errors.)

Another painting (also show here sideways), by the same artist, is called Mossbury Road.
We find the in-your-face boldness of the non-integrated tap refreshing!

We hope you enjoyed that glimpse of scholarly toilets! Speaking of which, Intellectual Friend sent us a line after we published his oh-so-intellectual justification for ill-advisedly using the word cute:

"What a pleasure to get published, almost instantly, and without even being asked to make corrections to over-rambling sentences and lack of supporting references, and all this in a cutting-edge, no doubt world-leading bog blog, where, on top of everything else, one even gets a brilliant editorial foreword, afterword, and epilogue to one's ramblings! "

Anyone for a festive video to finish off all this gusto, brio and joie de vivre? Because we shook our boots to the un-feminist version of this song on the dancefloor last night, we have a strong urge to play the feminist version, in order to restore the balance of the universe. The lyrics seem strangely appropriate: 

We are scholastic
Smart and sarcastic 

Not fucking plastic

"Law Revue Girls want to define those supposedly 'blurred lines'."

Related Reading

Lund University Library: Festschrift to Intellectual Friend

Cuteness, Intellectual Solace, and a Correction

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AIR-DRYERS!

The Intellectual Streak Continues: Leeds University Library Bogs, or, Yorkshire Graffitti

More Intellectual-Friend-Related sideways toilets:

Gleeful Antics at Grays Court

A Toilet Mystery

Cuteness, Intellectual Solace, and a Correction

We're not usually humble at the Privy Counsel, contriteness being contrary to editorial policy, but we know when it's time to admit that someone has a bloody good point. Like with this whole cute palaver, for instance. You will remember our razor-sharp jibe at Intellectual Friend in our last post, when we questioned "Intellectual Friend's use of the word 'cute' with a severity not tempered by a long and fond friendship". We still maintain that Intellectual Friend's way of expressing himself was vulgar and loathsome in the extreme, but we do acknowledge the validity of the subsequent justification, it being based on sound etymology and philosophical musings. It is also a sheer bloody joy to read. We don't know what your life has been like lately, but at Privy Counsel HQ we've been plagued by all manner of vile things like illness, neurotic outbursts, and grammar. This missive from Intellectual Friend, however, soothed our soul and enveloped us in a cloud of bliss and joyfulness. You're welcome:

Ha! Quite cool! And the etymological roots of the word paragon [we referred to Danish Friend and Intellectual Friend as "paragons of romance"] sprout from the sense 'sharp'. Which might seem like a gratuitous and worthless remark, except that I'm about to try to make a subtle, potentially intellectually amusing, point, or two; let's see if I get there... 

So, I don't know what has bitten me into using the word 'cute' in that Norwegian toilet blurb of mine, and it is probably reprehensible on most accounts and from most angles. Nevertheless, a posteriori, as a post factum kind of commentary, if not justification nor excuse ('a posteriori' probably suggests in fact not only spuriousness but also arse-talking), I was vaguely amused to discover that 'cute' is an aphetic form of 'acute' and that it was used, originally, in the sense 'sharp', too! ('Sharp, quick-witted' etc.) (And I would further surmise that cute is, via acute, actually cognate with the -agon of paragon.) Though of course apheticism is presumably reprehensible in itself, and one is not surprised to find that this particular aphetic development, along with its later semantic developments and crazy perversions, came from overseas. Though, and this may return us to less theoretico-linguistic and more down-to-earth matters, in this case to that earth-embedded Norwegian fjell-toilet, one might be also amused by one of the OED's citations for the word cute, which perhaps evidences a semantically transitional stage, and optionally one might also be intrigued by its potentially uncanny relevance to all this irrelevant rambling:

1900 Daily News 15 Nov. 6/5 A small and compact wooden house, what the Americans would call ‘cute’.

So as you see, Intellectual Friend's use of the word "cute" was entirely justified, at least in hindsight, and with a good deal of learned ramblings attached.

Our good news and general cheerfulness don't end there! We've got a highly encouraging picture of a young man, the son of good friends of ours, tending to his hygiene in a most laudable manner! This enthusiasm for handwashing is surely to be encouraged in these times of influenza and probably (it wouldn't surprise us if it were lurking) cholera, and if one is lucky enough to have access to a mixer tap, then so much the better!
In the interests of privacy we have taken the liberty of adding certain, er, accoutrements to the young man's appearance. This has the added effect of helpfully showing his parents what he will look like when he's grown up. Lo and behold!

When the little fellow is a bit older we hope he may enjoy
the moral of our exciting drama Alien vs. Predator: Blood, Gore and Mixer-Taps,
which features, in a minor role, a young person tending to their hygiene.

Wasn't that great! Let's have a festive video, to celebrate how much better everything feels now!
Blaze Foley's Big Cheeseburgers and Good French Fries:




Related Reading
Norwegian Wood
Alpine Escapism
Academic Excesses
Snyrt, Snyrt: Landnámssýningin

Alien vs. Predator: Blood, Gore and Mixer-Taps

Norwegian Wood

So some saint or other died some time ago, and significant amounts of people take this as a cue to spend money on vulgar gifts in a bid to celebrate "romance". We don't understand the logic at all, but then, as many of our regular readers are aware, we're not hugely into romance at the Counsel, finding things like mixer-taps and cholera way more exciting. Nonetheless, other people demonstrably manage to derive romance out of things other than plumbing. Danish Friend and Intellectual Friend, for instance! Those paragons of romance sent us pictures from their honeymoon, which must surely satisfy even the most hardened romantic?

(You remember when Danish Friend and Intellectual Friend got married, right?)

Intellectual Friend writes, intelligently as ever:

Opp på fjella, high up on the top of Hognåsen mountain, in western Norway deep into the Sognefjord, as one emerges from the woods weary after long, winding wanderings and steep scramblings, one is greeted by a blissful, colourful, almost untrodden, silent, peaceful paradise... and in the middle stands an overgrown shieling or two (a.k.a. seter), and even more in the middle (though there's quite a number of middles up there), crowning the whole mountain landscape, there stands the best-ever-situated bog a.k.a. outhouse a.k.a. jenny a.k.a. outdoor/earth privy! In other words, a WOODEN TOILET ON A NORWEGIAN MOUNTAIN HALFWAY UP TO HEAVEN!

The sight of it is breath-taking, so cute and fairy-tale-y it is. Also behold how it slants and leans on the gentle, Pisa-Tower-like, or more appropriately Ymir-tooth-like, or troll-tooth-like. Its inside is also breath-taking, somewhat literally, due to the stench, of a quality indicating fairly recent use but not necessary by humans (olfactive evidence would suggest trolls, were it not for the structure's small size).

But then, when one emerges from it back again to the light and magic and wildflowery fragrance, and takes in again the view that the toilet commands in every direction on grass and sky and tree and flower and fjord and fjell, and glaciers on the rim of the world, one is so breath-taken that one just gasps and mingles with the silence, and just frantically takes pictures of it all, being glad to have borrowed Danish Friend's awesome camera, before in the end resuming one's (also wondrous and fairy-tale-y) honeymoonish activities.

Well, it certainly doesn't need all that blabber. But it was an eye-opener then. And now apparently a gob-opener.

While we question Intellectual Friend's use of the word "cute" with a severity not tempered by a long and fond friendship, we nonetheless thank Danish Friend and Intellectual Friend a thousand times for generously taking time out of their honeymoon to photograph toilets for us! And we agree that the camera is stupendous - in fact, we're inclined to think that Danish Friend should be the Privy Counsel's official photographer!

Hell, let's finish with a semi-related festive video!
Not the Nine O'Clock News,"The Swedish Chemist's Shop":



Related reading
Alpine Escapism
HTFU: Wipe for Wildlife
SISTERS STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES
Orkney Outhouses
Shetland Shithouses
Hwæt! For Better Or for Worse, Whether There Is a Toilet-Roll Holder Or Not, Etc.

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, But Here's a Picture of a Lovely Soap

Also, also, also
Intellectual Friend justifies his use of the vulgar and indefensible word "cute": Cuteness, Intellectual Solace, and a Correction

To Be Or Not to Be - A Loo So Existential It Doesn't Even Exist

Our habit of posting pictures of persons tending to their hygiene in a positive, informative way has rendered us susceptible to piques. On our insisting that the Privy-Counsel Pin-Ups are "TASTEFULLY semi-naked [men in bathrooms]", Tudor Friend replied, sardonically, "We all tell ourselves what we need to, in order to sleep at night".

Following up on this, we thought we'd post something a) philosophical, and b) scientific, just to prove our academic credibility, to those who may doubt it. Let's start with the philosophical item, to establish our rampant cultivation. German Friend, ever philosophical, ever vigilant, spotted an exciting sign in Covent Garden saying "Loo of the year". Our intrepid Teutonic friend naturally strode forth to investigate, only to discover that the loo was not.

I had a rather solo-festive (festive!) weekend here, mainly treating myself. Ahoi!

I mingled with the touristy masses in Central London. And as I needed to see a man about a dog I found a potential entry to the vault of lavatories.

"Loo of the year"!! I mean, "Loo of the year"!!!!

And then it doesn't even exist... How can I ever bring my self to urinate again when it can't be done on the "Loo of the year"!?

You tell me.

An inciting sign to get one's blood up:
"Loo of the Year"

Promising!
But actually, avoid Jubilee Market if you need to see a man about a dog!

Disappointing!
Sign says: "There are no public toilets in this market.
The nearest are next door to St Paul's Church in the Piazza."

In toilet-related news from the science world, behold, the colonoscopy-replacing camera!

Ain't it a beaut!
Image from news.discovery.com

This nifty gadget can, when swallowed, take high-quality pictures of your insides, allowing doctors to analyse what's troubling them. "Patients will neither get shafted in the rear end nor their wallets", according to an article that a close acquaintance sent us.

For more high-quality images (not of someone's innards), see tomorrow's exuberantly romantic post!

Finally, let's have a festive video!

Festive video: Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper, (619) 239-KING. "Call me, Elvis!"

Related Reading
The Existentialist Toilet Is, Perhaps, Here
Privy Counsel Pin-Up - Now with 50 % Less Creepiness
Dread, Rage, and Out-of-Order Urinals
The Spirit of Christmas: Urinals, Mixer-Taps, Relief
Privy Counsel Pin-Up: James Purefoy

On the Importance of Hygiene. And Elvis.

There's not been enough levity recently. It's been all seriousness, incontinence, crinolines, and a woeful lack of female urinals. There's other deplorable stuff going on outside Privy Counsel HQ as well, like literary theory, and sports. Frankly, the world is a sorry mess. What we all need more of more of in grim times like these is Elvis. More Elvis everywhere. Time for a Privy Counsel Pin-Up!

From what we've heard, Elvis was very into hygiene.
image from pinimg.com.

Elvis displaying a laudable interest in cleanliness.
Image from tumblr.com.

If you like the idea of a film featuring Elvis tending to his hygiene,
Live a little, love a little is apparently a good one.
Image from elvisinfonet.com.

Another good hygiene propaganda film is G.I. Blues.
Image from elvisinfonet.com.

We have vowed not to rest until we have one of these installed
at the Privy Counsel headquarters.
Image from blogspot.com.

We have no idea what is going on here, and are frankly a bit alarmed.
But the duck seems friendly, and Elvis looks clean.
Image from blingee.com

Let's have a festive video!


Festive video: Mojo Nixon, Elvis is Everywhere

Related Reading
Handwashing with Elvis
Toilet Song: Dirty, Dirty Feeling
A Completely Bathroom-Related Post
Privy Counsel Pin-Up: Elvis (The Day After the Night Before Pick-Me-Up)

Privy Counsel Pin-Up: Elvis! Again!

Who Knew That Going to the Toilet Could Be So Dangerous?

Another interesting shower curtain: Delirium Tremens: We Indulge in Paranoid Halloween Horror

(Don't) Aim for the Stars

As our regular readers are well aware, we receive a fair amount of correspondence here at the Counsel. In light of our recent musings on incontinence (see for instance Shewees Are a Girl's Best Friend, and In Which We Indulge in a Feminist Rant and, of Course, Incontinence), we thought we'd highlight an issue raised by Shewee Fiend Friend, who writes:

My roommate who pisses on the floor is pissing considerably less on the floor since I spoke to him. However, he has started regularly having this friend over who does not seem to even aim for the toilet. He creates small pools.

The "flatmate who pisses on the floor" is, of course, a common theme in urban lore. One wonders what these boys' mothers were up to during their formative years. Presumably they were too busy, to quote Caitlin Moran, "giving birth on the kitchen floor – biting down on a wooden spoon, so as not to disturb the men’s card game – before going back to quick-liming the dunny" to teach their sons to aim straight.
We thought long and hard about how to help Shewee Fiend Friend, who is one of the best ("brilliant, but unsound", to quote the Rev. Aubrey Upjohn) and shouldn't have to put up with his kind of bullshit but, short of rigging the wiring so as to electrocute anyone careless enough to create a puddle, we couldn't think of anything more constructive than the passive-aggressive note. The passive-aggressive note being, as all educated people know, a reliable staple in every dysfunctional household.

Here are some helpful passive-aggressive signs to aid the navigationally challenged:

Ever a concern at the Privy Counsel!
Image from thumbs2.ebaystatic.com

The man who inspired this note
would perhaps benefit from using a shewee?
Image from static.someecards.com

While urine is not only (usually) sterile but also a damn useful substance, 
one nonetheless sympathises with the woman who taped this passive-aggressive note to a bottle of bleach.
Image from i.imgur.com

What more mothers should be doing.
Image from static.someecards.com/

Can we get one of these displayed in every office on the planet?
Image from static.someecards.com

This is our personal favourite.
Image from flickr.com

Here is an old warhorse, which we have displayed before.
Image from images.justbathroomsigns.com

If you have advice for Shewee Fiend Friend, on how to train her flatmate and his friend to refrain from pissing on the floor, do please leave a comment, or email us at theprivycounsellor@gmail.com!

Related Reading

A Brief Guide to Public Toilets

We Aim to Please: Interactive Toilet Game

A Festive Update

Polite Notice

Shewees Are a Girl's Best Friend
Semi-Intellectual Friend offers a startling and weird solution to the problem of male incontinence: An Annoyingly Long, But Brilliantly Clever, Post, Including Beer, Shewees, and Some Other Stuff