Orka! Literally Mounds of Toilets in Orkney

Orka! is a colloquial expression frequently used by surly Swedish teenagers. The most helpful translation is perhaps "I can't be bothered to". "Orka lägga upp massor med toafoton hela tiden!" is an example of how the word might be used in a sentence, perhaps by a tired and frazzled toilet blogger with a thousand cares and lacking even the energy to cut up a lemon for a restorative gin and tonic. (One splendid solution to this problem is staying in a hotel - preferably one situated in an area rich in the remains of roman latrines - where the staff will, for payment, cut up the lemon and assemble the gin and tonic for you, while you recline in the shade and read an improving book or perhaps send pictures of fruit to friends and acquaintances. Not a super economical lifestyle, but very, very enjoyable.) There are certain situations, however, when it becomes imperative to harden the fuck up and bloody well write a toilet blog post. Like when a friend sends a large amount of insanely exciting pictures, for instance.

As regular and perhaps even semi-regular readers are aware, our archive of toilet pictures is so full of long-forgotten, no-longer-identifiable, decomposing bodies (for bodies, read photos) that we imagine it as the crypt from the novel The Monk - no doubt for sane and healthy reasons. When Shewee Fiend Friend sent us a shitload of toilet pictures from Orkney, therefore, we thought FUCKING SHIT WE'D BETTER PUBLISH OR BE DOOMED.

We've simply cut and pasted Shewee Fiend Friend's text, interspersed with her pictures in the order she sent them. You're welcome.

So first of all. Orkney and toilets. Very satisfying experience 

There are public toilets everywhere. In every little village there's one. Even if only twenty people live in that village 

And they're all so clean!! Every one was super amazingly clean 

Here's one from Kirkwall 

Look how cool that is 

Stupid taps, but you can't have everything 

The sign implies that people disrespected the toilets, but perhaps they just needed a stern sign and then they cleaned up their act 

There was always toilet paper 

There was always a little bar of soap at every sink 

Variety of hand dryers 

Universally non mixer taps though 

And some women's toilets had extra goodies 

Several 

I feel I sampled a large amount and it's fair to say that random ones on the side of the road might not have extra amenities, but ones attached to pubs or museums did 

That was awesome

PLEASE RESPECT THE FACILITY

WHY IN THE NAME OF SULIS WOULD YOU DO THIS?
We're not even going to analyse this picture. It's too depressing.
Quick! Something to dull the pain! Where is the diclofenac?

Some also had showers 

So that is part one of my unexpected toilet adventure 

The second part is more exciting and will require more sifting of photos 

So there are 4000-5000-year-old sites right

So those is Midhowe broch, fortified residence with houses built on to it 

And it's all built with this lovely stone right, which they also used to build furniture, which is still intact

Little shelves and dressers and shit

Walled off rooms with benches 

Actually it's from a cairn but you see the same thing in residences 

The cairns seem to be built like their residences

This last one is Scara Brae 

You can see little sleeping chambers 

They slept curled up small 

Centrally is the hearth 

There's always a hearth

And near the hearths there are these rectangular boxes, sometimes in the floor and sometimes set above 

Those last three are the broch of Gurness 

And they're water tight 

There was always water and gross shit growing in them 

And there's usually a drainage system visible 

In Scara Brae and Midhowe it was obviously centrally planned, running through the whole settlement 

Ok so here's where it gets cool. In this last place, tomb of the eagles, there's a broch nearby where you can clearly see how the tubs and drainage worked together 

But I foolishly didn't get a picture. 

Drat 

Well. There's an ingress where the fresh water comes in, and then it would be moved to the central tub, and dirty water poured out the drain 

Also there are these rubbish heaps of burned rocks 

So they're heating stones in the hearth, and then heating the water with the stones in main tub. For cooking or cleaning or whatever 

Back to Gurness 

I mean, this could be anything 

But the shape is suspicious eh 

You could put a bowl under that, and empty it

Maybe one like this

Or ceramic 

At the broch by tomb of the eagles though, you have this

That suspicious stone, whose shape we recognise only because we've already seen it in a seat-like position, is directly above the drain 

Which would be a very logical place to put a toilet 

Is this not awesome??!! 

Anyway, I was not on a toilet hunt on this trip at all, but the toilets were there to be noticed and praised 

So that is what I am doing 

Here are some more gratuitous beautiful pictures of landscapes

While we're doing gratuitous pictures, let's have a gratuitous picture of fruit! Hurrah!

For reasons not entirely unrelated to the window-cleaner we - despite knowing better - sprayed on our keyboard, we are experiencing certain challenges in terms of typing. We'd better stop here, though of course not before indulging in a Festive Video. It is a truth universally acknowledged that '90s music cures all ills. Let us perhaps have some haunting Celtic beauty, to go unacceptably pseudo-poetic.

Festive Video - The Cranberries, Dreams

(Here is an alternative example of haunting Celtic beauty.)

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Feeling Single, Seeing 1.5: In Which Things Are Insanely Bleak, But Luckily There Are Pictures of Jonny

Ugh. Is our response to most things at the moment. Reading the news? Ugh. Thinking about the future? Ugh. Thinking about the present? Ughhhhhhhhh. Basically, our standard reaction to life is like that of Shewee Fiend Friend's sister upon encountering a non-mixer tap for the first time: weary bafflement.

We're at the point right now where even binge-eating cheese doesn't relieve our heavy-as-a-box-of bricks (though why you'd go to the trouble of filling a box with bricks is anyone's guess) depression. Sparkling wine does seem to momentarily ease the horror, however.

Now then, now then. Let's have some more enlightening pictures. These were sent to us by Dragon-Hunting Friend, from the Cube Design Museum in Holland, which is evidently staffed entirely by riotously festive people:

Festive toilet-related nudity always cheers one up, actually

Woof! We can't wait to visit this festive museum!

We then move on to a philosophical question from everyone's favourite lad-about-town, Jonny:

Woof!

Believe it or not, but we didn't anticipate the answer to that question! For once in our life, we were actually wrong! Let us have a close-up of the picture, for your edification and delight:

Mmm.

We're going to delve deeper into Jonny's recent excursions into bar toilets. That handsome young whippersnapper writes:

Yesterday I visited one of the best toilets I've ever seen 

Foot traffic was heavy as you can imagine in such a magnificent space but I managed to get one photograph off

We replied in the only possible way:

WOOF!

To which Jonny answered, reasonably:

I'll say

Jonny: 

That's a teaser and I'll go back for more soon

The Privy Counsellor: 

WOOOF! 

#HeavyBreathing 

We need to do a blog post soon, but today we're busy getting drunk, so probably tomorrow!

Jonny: 

Yes!! Me too! 

You're an inspiration.

We think we'd better stop there, before things get out of hand. First, though, let's have a Festive Video! This clip from Dirty Dancing illustrates, adequately we believe, how every single one of our readers reacts when having even fleeting thoughts about Jonny. Entirely reasonably, we might add.

Festive Video - Mickey & Sylvia, Love Is Strange, from Dirty Dancing

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An Australian Oddyssey

Procrastination, in our view, is the driving force of human civilisation. The feats that have been achieved through procrastination! The letters written, the cakes baked, the floors cleaned, the books perused, the views regarded, the music composed, the political maxims created, the sheer mass of intellectual activity expended on doing things other than that which one is supposed to do. Somebody should do a clever essay on this, exploring procrastination-enabled productivity, taking perhaps a historical perspective via the Hellfire Club, Samuel Johnson, Bertrand Russell and the Idler.

This whole blog is basically the result of rampant procrastination. Right now, for instance, we're sitting here thinking about the marking we should be doing, while lustily leafing through the pictures Audiologist Friend has sent us from Australia. Yes! Audiologist Friend is Down Under! As far as we understand, that worthy hearing specialist is entirely occupied with taking toilet pictures and chatting to random dudes in bars, with brief interludes of engaging in audiology business.

We seague here into epistolary mode, recordning our own reactions to Audiologist Friend's pictures. SENSITIVE READERS BEWARE: The following transcript is from an entirely social-media-based conversation. Ordinary rules of punctuation and grammar are not always adhered to, and emoticons do occur. You have been warned. A translation of the original colloquial Swedish is provided.

We begin with Audiologist Friend's plane journey.

Privy Counsellor: 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Vilket flygbolag?

(OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Which airline?)

Audiologist Friend:

Lite besviken över att det inte fanns handlotion på toaletten! Istället fanns eau de toilette - alltså vem använder sånt? Jag kan inte ens stava till det
Qatar Airwaves
Nej airways

(Slightly diappointed that there was no hand lotion in the toilet! Instead there was eau de toilette - honestly, who uses that stuff? I can't even spell it
Quatar Airwaves
No, Airways)

PC:

Uppenbarligen kan du stava till det
Nä, fy fasen - klart man vill ha handlotion!

(Evidently you can spell it
No, feck no - of course one wants hand lotion!)

AF:

Men jättebra kran - man slapp stå o hålla intryckt hela tiden!
Nu är jag i Doha
Det är jättehäftigt att vara här
Några har högklackat + slöja
Jättemånga män har vita långa dräkter

(But a great tap - one didn't have to keep pushing it in!

Now I'm in Doha

It's really cool to be here

Some people are wearing high heels + veil

A lot of men are wearing long white outfits)

AF:

Melbournes flygplats ÅNEJ tillbaka till landet med uppdelade kranar :(((

(Melbourne airport OH NO back to the country with separated taps)

 PC:

Åh nej! Australien har oftast ganska bra kranar, vad jag förstår! De är pionjärer när det gäller att spara vatten

(Oh no! Australia usually has quite good taps, from what I understand! They are pioneers when it comes to saving water)

AF:

Lägg märke till att det vid entrén även finns punktskrift! Studenttoaletterna på UQ

(Please note that the sign by the entrance uses Braille! The student toilets at UQ)

Woof! This looks like an excellent tap in every way!

An elegant ad informative sign, incorporating Braille.

We love this coat hook. It is an excellent coat hook. Possibly our favourite kind of coat hook.

The spray bottle indicates regular cleaning!

This looks like an excellent set-up. The bin appears to be at a comfortable distance from the toilet.

If you enjoy almost seeing people, check out the label Almost Seeing People!

A lovely composition, incorporating almost seeing Audiologist Friend, and a friendly sign informing the toilet user that the toilets are water-saving. Woof!

AF:

F ö var jag på baren The End ikväll och träffade en trevlig man, Daniel, som jag berättade om bloggen för. Han uppmanade mig att ta foton från toan där
... and so I did!

(In other news I was at the bar The End tonight and met a nice man, Daniel, who I told about the blog. He encouraged me to take pictures of the toilets there
...and so I did!)

A daring fusion of art and cleaning products at The End bar in Brisbane.

A very small and sad sink with a sad, lonely tap, but plus points for the festive soap dispenser.

A festive and informative sign!

Exuberant graffitti on what is possibly a paper-towel dispenser?

More innovative graffitti!

PC:

Det är det jag alltid har sagt - The Privy Counsel är en världsomspännande rörelse! Hälsa Daniel

(That's what I have always said - The Privy Counsel is a global movement!
Say hello to Daniel)

We congratulate Audiologist Friend on kicking academic arse, taking entertaining toilet pictures and chatting to random dudes called Daniel!

The obvious Festive Video at this point would be Daniel by Elton John, but frankly we think this dude has had enough attention. We are instead going to delight you with a song recommended to us by a very dear friend who we have the good fortune of spending a lot of time with at the moment. We have been told that it is an Arabic song about the advantages of being single!

Festive Video - Samira Said, Mahassalsh Haga

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Castles in the Air: Dreaming of Better Plumbing, or, Bitches Love Pemberleys, or, Bottling Up of Incomprehension and Rage

Woof! The world is still fucked, but we have been for a visit to York, scene of Viking rampage, terrible plumbing, and much drunkenness, and feel refreshed and bursting with joie de vivre! Because we are decidedly less young than we used to be, however, we contented ourselves with gently perving on the Roman statues and daffodils at Castle Howard, as opposed to going apeshit bananas in the city's public establishments. Safely chauffeured and chaperoned by Tudor Friend, we frolicked, capered and even cavorted through the halls and gardens of the eminent palace, and, when nature so indicated, visited the visitors' toilets.

Let's gently ease ourselves into reviewing mode, by contemplating this entirely inoffensive ad

This set-up is, apart from the disability-unfriendly flush, reasonably laudable, and displays linguistic clarity

What the yellow rubbery fuck is this, though? Why do the walls not go all the way down to the floor?
Jonny's interpretation reads as follows:
"Looks like you're being abducted by aliens. Also maybe a reference to stargate or teleportation? Does fully look like you're about to step into the year 3050."
The mind boggles.

At this point we are so distressed that we become incoherent and gibber unintelligibly. Why separated taps? Why, in God's name? Whyyyyy? (We refrain from mentioning the air dryers, for fear of upsetting sensitive readers.)

 The inside of Castle Howard was rather less distressing than the toilets, though the centuries-old interiors were not necessarily much more functional than the modern facilities.

Enjoy: a 19th-century face-washing contraption with a rude (in the original sense) tap.
Incidentally, does this remind us of something? Perhaps of the lavoire!

A view with a room. Washing paraphernalia in foreground.

As regular and perhaps even semi-regular readers are aware, the Privy Counsel is home to a gaggle of fans of Jonny, who appreciate that young man's rugged physique and rustic sense of humour. It will no doubt warm everyone's heart to learn that we met up with the hero of the Jonny Babe Parade while on our sojourn to York! Here is Jonny, with an anonymous hanger-on, engaging in vital rehydration activities.

Jonny, his bigger-than-formerly bike, and a medium-to-large amount of bottles. Arrrrrrr!

The hour is late and we have shit to do. We shall not leave you, however, without a Festive Video to sustain you until the next blog update. Although we don't even believe in Jebus, we happen to find this song rather fitting for the season.

Festive Video - Brandy Clark, Pray to Jesus

Related Reading
A rather nifty summary of our views on religion: Why the Virgin Mary is Creepy
Intellectual Friend's classic musings on Easter and the name Jebus: Whether You Believe in Jebus Or Not: Unbelievably Rampant Linguistic Musings!
Another Easter classic: Cheese and Worcester
Yet another classic - our post pimping out Jonny to all and sundry: Jonny and a Public Toilet - A Treat for Single Ladies 
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