Sunday, 21 December 2014

Rocking, Rolling, Ranting

There are two ways to hang toilet paper. The right way, and the wrong way. This is well known.

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One of the more perverse, sinister traits of human nature is the insistence of some people on putting the toilet roll the wrong way round on the holder. Why this is, we have never understood, and most likely never will. Most of the dark sides of the human mind - from murder most foul, to the collection of stamps, to the unspeakable habit of playing board games - can be explained by psychologists and anthropologists. The degenerate habit of putting the toilet roll in the under orientation, however, boggles the world's finest brains.

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At the Privy Counsel we have a policy of correcting this foul state of affairs wherever we encounter it, which has led to many amusing feuds with flatmates over the years. Never apologise, never surrender! is our motto, and will be until the sun sets over the battlefield.

With that cleared up, we move on to the actual business of the day. We mentioned, some weeks ago, the distressing habit of some establishments of providing unisex toilets, despite this being a crime against every law of human intercourse. What a happy coincidence, then, that we stumbled upon, in our quest for intellectual, spiritual and bog-related fulfilment, a pub that provides not only friendly staff and a large assortment of excellent beer, but a thoroughly decent toilet - with a neutral toilet roll position! The people who run Siesta in Malmö are clearly peaceable, diplomatic folk, who don't like drunken arguments of any kind, and especially not the ones about the proper way to place a bog roll.

Did we mention that we fucking love Tork products?
Or used to, anyway. Tork is owned by SCA, a Swedish company renowned for its environmentally-friendly tissue products. However, it turns out that the CEO of SCA has been squandering company funds on personal luxuries. We are outraged and disgusted by this behaviour, and hope that heads will roll.

BUT LOOK AT THIS - a neutral toilet roll placement! The question here is not whether the toilet paper goes over (as dictated by universal laws of logic, decency and decorum) or under (a foul, degenerate practice), but whether it goes left or right. Personally we couldn't care less. It clearly needs to go on the right.

Other joys of this toilet include this pleasant door-handle and coat-hook, and the sane and normal light switch. Brits, not having caught up with the rest of the world in the matter of insulation - whether thermal or electric - yet, insist on having light switches either a) outside the bathroom or b) in the shape of dangerous and unhygienic light pulls inside. Never mind. They are bound to enter the 20th century one of these days. In the meantime, let the rest of us get on with the 21st!

Pleasant seasonal decoration.

We can't decide whether this artwork is a) both aesthetically and intellectually pleasing, or b) cutesy, kitsch and foul beyond human comprehension. It might possibly depend on how much beer we have imbibed at the moment of contemplation.

How great is this crystal chandelier!

We have a feeling that we have now reached the point at which we normally make a final parting shot in the shape of a quip, bon mot or tawdry platitude, but we're fucked if we can think of one. We will have to settle for something along the lines of, "invigorated by this shining light of sanity in a world of rampant toilet-paper-placement-darkness, we find our faith in mankind restored reach for the bottle and engage in a loud, cheery tally-ho!"

There should be a festive video as well, right? Right. Have this, then - to date the only song to offer a realistic description of Christmas, as experienced by billions of sufferers of insane relatives the world over.

Festive video - Pistol Annies, Hush Hush. (Don't by any means, miss the festive lyric version.)

Hjorttackegatan 1
211 33 Malmö

Related Reading
Another quality rant: Hungover Ranting: Festschrift to Medievalist (With a Side-Interest in Roman Archaeology) Friend
Other festive Christmas-related posts:
The Spirit of Christmas: Urinals, Mixer Taps, Relief
A Christmas Story: Egils Saga
Passing Through the Loos at Kalamazoo
A sane and normal rant about British bathrooms: Onto the Bleach - the Battle Continues
Countries that have sane and normal bathrooms include Spain.

In other news:
Have you considered turning your back on mindless consumerism and instead benefiting mankind by spending a penny on Oxfam Unwrapped, WaterAid, or ToiletTwinning? Or why not donate to Amnesty International, or your local women's shelter?

A mere 20% of people have flipped a roll around when it was facing the wrong direction?
Clearly, toilets the world over are inhabited by CRAVEN, LILY-LIVERED POLTROONS!
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