Whether You Believe in Jebus Or Not: Unbelievably Rampant Linguistic Musings!

Heigh ho, another religious festival is upon us. We woke up this morning feeling like we'd been hit by a bus - the phrase "death warmed up" sprang to mind with alarming alacrity. Considering the symptoms, we decided that we were suffering from either a) tertiary syphilis, b) post-traumatic stress, or c) a vile hangover. Recalling yesterday's events, we then deduced that c) was the most likely cause of our malaise, though we haven't absolutely ruled out a) and b).

Be that as it may, we consider ourselves, as usual, blessed in having such helpful, intellectual friends. Intellectual Friend, especially, has been more than usually rampant in his intellectualism recently. Round about Christmas time, we made a remark about Jebus, a dude who, we understand, is frequently implicated in religious high days and holidays. This remark caused Intellectual Friend to go off on a philological rant of remarkable, almost alarming, intellectual pizzazz. We reproduce it here, with permission:

Enjoyed very much your report from that family church venture: many wholehearted blessings on your role models! [Editor's note: said indomitable role model would be granny who, with unwavering fortitude, insisted on complaining loudly about how boring the Christmas sermon was, ignoring all hints from relatives that the preacher was standing right behind her.] Also, this sparks two philological remarks. Firstly, I appreciate quite deeply those typically Germanic and (I think) especially Scandinavian verbal structures which effect some kind of messing about the intransitiveness of intransitive verbs, like "sjunga julen in". Another among many would perhaps be "to die into the mountain", cf. Eyrbyggja saga [editor's note: deyja í fjöll].

My second remark is about Jebus, a dude who indeed tends to be laboured on and on about in sermons and related contexts a tad more than warranted by the Christian mythology and tradition as a whole. This remark I think I shall now split into two sub-remarks. 

The first of these is that I wonder whether you were aware, when saying Jebus, that the implied derogativeness of such a name would actually reach very deep dark bottoms in a Polish context, if used, because 

1) the -us suffix can be used in Polish as a pseudo-Latin suffix which, when added to native words, is a bit like -ard in drunkard but tinged with fleeting connotations of the referent being a potential asshole, and 

2) because jeb- is a common Polish verbal root among the lower classes with the primary denotation "to fuck", and furthermore the root is otherwise mysteriously rare in other languages, although it can be shown to derive from Proto-Slavic *jebati with the same meaning, and a related proto-verb was an iterative ("to fuck repeatedly"?). Indeed the root is of very great antiquity while also evidencing remarkable semantic stability. A PIE [editor's note: Proto-Indo-European] root *yebh- can even be confidently posited, also referring to some kind of proto-fucking, since there are cognates in Sanskrit: yabhati "to fuck", also a reduplicated form yiyapsatiwhich was a desiderative ("to desire to fuck"??). 

The Polish etymological dictionary whence this word-wisdom mostly springs from also offers examples of late medieval personal names or nicknames Jebak, Jebyl and Jebur (the latter was euphemistically glossed by a later lexicographer as "keen towards women"), consolidating the hypothetical potential of a name Jebus in Polish for signifying "Fucker". An interesting coincidence, if coincidence it is, which I thought you might perhaps appreciate (and indeed you would be the only person I know who could appreciate its potential multivalence). 

My second sub-remark is that there certainly is a need to renew many of the pagan-derived Christian traditions and beliefs fallen into oblivion, and to talk more about the demons, monsters, Gandalf-like vs Balrog-like angels, etc. Regarding this I was pleased to hear the priest at the end of the Polish Yule mass embark on an elaborate and clearly archaic curse-like prayer for the flock to be shielded against the evil forces and the hosts of Satan and all the malicious sprites who hover around or lurk greedy to bind or devour the good souls, and may they be knocked down into the dark pits of hell, and so on. Also those maledictions, together with the festiveness of the also archaic carols, made up for the predictably boring over-sweet sermon.

On that note, let us have a look at the not-archaic-in-the-slightest toilets at Lund Cathedral. We have mentioned before the charitable determination of the good people of Lund Cathedral in providing visitors with facilities in which to achieve physical cleanliness, while simultaneously striving towards spiritual purity. Please excuse the sideways pictures - consider them a parable on love and forgiveness.

An angelic combination of physical and spiritual perfection!

Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door.
The eggshell-blue colour denotes, probably, purity.

The twin coat-hooks symbolise, possibly, the duality of the good-evil dichotomy.

An exemplary door-handle, easy to operate with one's elbow.
Useful for lepers who have lost a hand or even an entire arm.

The pure white colour of these paper towels symbolises their virginity.

There are lots of weird Bible quotes, but this is a surprisingly normal one:

"Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land."
This excellent mixer tap, of course, allows one to choose between hot,
cold, or an almost infinite range of pleasant in-between temperatures.

Funnily enough, Semi-Intellectual Friend has been rampantly semi-intellectual lately, and alerted us to this useful advice from the Bible, which you may wish to contemplate:

13 And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:
14 For the Lord thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; therefore shall thy camp be holy: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.

There. Next time you find yourself in need of a latrine trench, you don't have to hesitate, but can confidently get on with digging, safe in the knowledge that the good Lord is pottering around your camp, making sure that nobody's getting up to any naughty sodomy, incest, or shellfish consumption.

Happy Easter, ladies and gentlemen! There are more philological rants from Intellectual Friend coming soon!


Festive video - Homer Simpson, Save me, Jebus!

Related Reading
Last year's festive Easter post: Taps, Wine, and Elvis!
The festive Easter post from the year before that: Lighthearted Easter Musings
More festively intellectual posts about Lund:
Pure of Heart and Hand: Lund Cathedral
Lund University Library: Festschrift to Intellectual Friend
More quotes from Eyrbyggja saga, possibly our favourite toilet-related saga:
World Toilet Day 2011: Taking Our Baths and Our Women

Danger, Danger: Medieval Toilets
Crucial information for the biblically inclined toilet enthusiast: Toilet History Meets Biblical History (thanks to Semi-Intellectual Friend for sending us this interesting article!)
If you crave more Polish philology, these learned lectures from Intellectual Friend are also available:
Dirty Toilets and Dirtier Minds - A Nautical Theme

More Polish Plumbing: Pierogarnia Stary Toruń
If you really can't get enough, there's also this charming and fascinating Finno-Ugric suffix of negation: Finnish Mania: Despite Negligence, We Forgive Intellectual Friend

Woof! Cholera Babe Parade!

It's no use struggling against the unavoidable: the Cholera Babe Parade has been conga-ing inexorably in our direction, and now it's here! It was bound to happen sooner or later, so we may as well bow to the inevitable and bid the Cholera Babes welcome as they thrust their way into our lives and take over everything.
Discerning readers may be scratching their heads, wondering what in the name of arse a Cholera Babe actually is. Put simply, it's a red-hot Victorian babe in the process of dying from cholera! The symptoms of cholera include, Wikipedia informs us,

[d]iarrhoea and vomiting of clear fluid. These symptoms usually start suddenly, half a day to five days after ingestion of the bacteria. The diarrhoea is frequently described as "rice water" in nature and may have a fishy odour. An untreated person with cholera may produce 10 to 20 litres of diarrhoea a day. Severe cholera kills about half of affected individuals. Estimates of the ratio of asymptomatic to symptomatic infections have ranged from 3 to 100. Cholera has been nicknamed the "blue death" because a person's skin may turn bluish-gray from extreme loss of fluids. 

If that's not sexy we're not worthy of gazing at pictures of be-cravatted Austen heroes!

Other symptoms of cholera include, as Unreasonably Attractive Friend noted, the sudden appearance of "a lower-cut dress".
Image from Wellcome Images.

Shewee Fiend Friend says:
"I like how she still does her hair. If I had cholera and was starting to look like a zombie,
I don't know that I would bother with making sure I had excellently coiffed hair."
Image from Berndt Tallerud's Skräckens tid: Farsoternas kulturhistoria (Stockholm: Prisma, 1999), p. 127.
Originally an etching by A. Gerardin, 1832, from H. Vogt's Das Bild des Kranken.

Woof! A (very attractive) friend of ours says,
"Haha, the first one looks familiar.... I believe I saw it in the bathroom mirror this morning".
Image from Wellcome Images.

Shewee Fiend Friend remarks, amusingly, "She didn't bother to do her hair I see. Standards are slipping".
Kick-Arse Suffragette Friend says, and we can only agree, "Them's some sexxy toes".
Image from Wellcome Images.

Shewee Fiend Friend continues her diverting quips, commenting,
"It looks like you're required to wear these hats if you're too dead to do your hair".
Image from Wellcome Images.

"A woman extravagantly equipped to deal with the cholera epidemic of 1832; 
satirizing the abundance of dubious advice on how to combat cholera."
Image from Wellcome Images.

"A mother looks askance at her daughter, whom she suspects of having contracted the cholera."
Image from Wellcome Images.

A French doctor delighted to have found a genuine cholera victim/babe.
Image from Wellcome Images.

The babe to out-babe all babes: Florence Nightingale! Here she is tending to cholera victims in the Crimea.
Image from Wellcome Images.

Dr Jekyll's vaporiser is effective against cholera, rheumatism and yellow fever.
Wouldn't surprise us if it was a hell of a hangover cure, as well.
Image from Wellcome Images.

London water - frequently the cause of cholera.
Image from Wellcome Images.

Turns out he knew something, John Snow.
7 September, 1854: Dr John Snow breaks the pump handle in Broad Street, to prevent the spread of cholera! HUBBA HUBBA!
Image from Wellcome Images.

Stay tuned for the Cholera Babe Pin-Up Calendar. (We meant to write a book about this in future, but it turns out someone already has.)


Other reasons a lady might turn black and blue:


Festive video: Jane Austen's Fight Club

Related Reading
More about John Snow and cholera: Plumbing, Blessed Plumbing
The Vikings had issues with clean water, too. Jorvik: In Rude Health
Help people get access to clean water: The Privy Counsel Helpfully Sort Out Christmas!
A comical tale about cholera in the wild, wild West: A Rootin', Tootin' Toilet Tale
More historic health hazards: Book Club: Cocoa and Corsets
Pestilence and Hygiene
Syphilis, Bathing, and Dentures. You know It Makes Sense

Festive Things That Are Red

The colour of the revolution is red. Red is also the colour, we've been told, of other useful things like love, ketchup, and British post boxes. And, what's more, we found a brilliant Danish toilet, decked out in the most rampantly red colour imaginable! This is, if memory serves and the Danish beer didn't blitz all our brain cells to smithereens, at the Maritime Museum of Denmark. The maritime museum is a very festive place with, as we may have mentioned, all kinds of exhibits. Some of the exhibits are about syphilis. The museum is also helpfully located right next to Kronborg Castle, so you can indulge in musings on Hamlet and syphilis at the same time! (Danes never cease to amaze us with their ingenuity!) Woof!

Are you salivating? We are!

Phwoarrrrr, coat-hooks!

The sink inside the stall: mixer taps, naturally.

What an excellent, excellent set-up!

This is the bin outside, by the communal sinks

WOOF!
Check out the crazy aesthetically-pleasing-yet-functional design of this sink!
Those Danes surely know how to make a girl's heart beat faster!

Ooooh!

Other things that are red:

This Captain Morgan exhibit, at the maritime museum.

Our friend's creepy clown nose.

The lift in The Shining.
Image from http://25.media.tumblr.com

Red, red wine.

Related Reading
A festive maritime-themed toilet:
Put Him in a Longboat Till He's Sober: Sail-loo-rrr Lingo with German Friend!
Other toilets with funky colours:
Snyrt, Snyrt: Landnámssýningin
Maximum Toilet Satisfaction
We Go Underground
A toilet with a totally non-funky colour:
Passing Through the Loos at Kalamazoo

The Royal Toilet at Kronborg: "A Foul and Pestilent Congregation of Vapours."

Bunden i vejret eller resten i håret!*
We spent an utterly, utterly festive day in Denmark recently! We simply couldn't imagine a better-spent day; we devoted literally the whole day to photographing Danish toilets, checking out syphilis exhibits in museums, and drinking beer!
Actually, we've got UNBELIEVABLE amounts of photos of Danish toilets, so many that we literally don't know where to begin. But we reckon it's always safest, when one is dealing with people prone to OCD, to arrange things either alphabetically or chronologically.

Vil du tale lidt langsommere?**
Since the Danish language is fucked up beyond repair, however, we won't be able to do an alphabetical account of the toilets, and have therefore decided to start with the oldest toilets, at Kronborg Castle.

Hvor er toilettet?***
Turns out that Kronborg, which observant readers will recognise from Hamlet, is full to the brim of Danish toilets!

Mit luftpudefartøj er fyldt med ål!****

A throne fit for the King of Denmark!

For now, it's got a bucket in it (in case adventurous tourists take historical re-enactment a bit too literally?)...

...but back in the day, a clever construction ensured that the contents of the toilet ended
up in a brick cellar. We presume that "cellar emptier" (that is, gong scourer) was not an attractive career prospect
for the up-and-coming young castle employee.

A close-up of the brick cellar.

The charming view from the window!

There was also ventilation, thanks to this attractive hole in the ceiling! Hot damn!!

Here's a very festive painting from inside the museum!
We have no idea what's going on, but there's naked people, a lion, and a ship with Danish flags!

The cannons are pointing towards Sweden - traditionally, the great enemy.
Dannebrogen helpfully fell from the sky, in order to guide and protect the Danes, in Estonia in 1219.

Danes are prone to getting philosophical, especially after a couple of rounds of snaps.

* "Bottoms up or the rest in your hair" - only used with friends when very drunk.

** "Could you please speak slower?"

*** "Where's the toilet?"

**** "My hovercraft is full of eels."

Related Reading

Christian IV's toilet at Rosenborg Castle: Blogging Something Rotten

Even more royal Danish bogs: Waltzing around Amalienborg

Another 17th-century toilet: We Receive a Postcard

More castles: Christinehof - A Woman's Er, Bog Is Her, Er, Castle?

Henry VIII favoured brick toilets. Read about one of them in the Historic Toilet Tour of York

More historical toilets: Historical Toilets, Baths and Kitchens - a Useful and Humbling Lesson
More musings on the Danish language: Tømmermænd at Café Jorden, or, Sleepless in Aarhus, or, Fear and Loathing in Jutland

Put Him in a Longboat Till He's Sober: Sail-loo-rrr Lingo with German Friend!

As regular readers are aware, we have a hoard. A hoard not of dragon gold, but of fabulous toilet pictures from German Friend. We go round thinking about posting more of them pretty much constantly (that is, during any time we can spare from thinking about cholera, syphilis, and Richard Armitage), but somehow we don't very often get around to it, most likely due to laziness or, if we're engaging in self-deception and ascribing ourselves more flattering motives for our actions, a selfish desire to hoard the German-Friend-pictures, hugging them close to us and never, ever letting them go.

Be that as it may, we received a message from German Friend the other day. "With so much Armitagery," it read, "is there still space in your heart and head for new loos?" We told German Friend to not be a silly chumps! Armitagery or no Armitagery, there is ALWAYS space for new loos at the Privy Counsel!

So, all aboard - here's German Friend's rampantly festive notes on his latest find!

Have you found syphilis yet? [Editor's note: Yes, it really did begin like this. We do love our friends!] Loved your cholera babes (not literally or physically). [Editor's note: the Cholera Babes are coming to the Counsel soon - all will be explained!]
All aboard here, ahoi and all that shanty.
Nipped back home to Hamburg last weekend and did some home-tourism, found this in a nice, nautical-themed hotel, the submarine-style toilets were, fittingly, in the basement. The gender signs read "beards" and "broads".
As garnish, here is some Sail-loo-r lingo:
Ahoi, all rolls on deck.
Turd over board!
Abandon shit or stem the tide!
So.
There :)

It DOES look like the inside of a submarine!

No idea what's going on here, but it looks surprisingly hygienic.

Are those flowers? Or some kind of fungal growth?

What the hell?

Because a man without a beard isn't really a man.

Broads ahoy!

We should maybe add that last time we met up with German Friend we had a very jolly time, and festive, nautically-inspired rum was in no way not on the agenda.

You'll also be delighted to learn that we have, after scouring the seven seas, found a festive video, for your delight and edification! We have no idea what's going on - three accordion-wielding peasants in knee-socks thrash about while performing a sea-shanty - but the festiveness levels are through the roof!

Festive video: Rapalje, Drunken sailor

Related Reading

Why going aboard (so to speak) a submarine may be a dangerous business:

Who Knew That Going to the Toilet Could Be So Dangerous?

Intellectual Friend investigating Polish feminine endings and vocative cases in a maritime setting:

Dirty Toilets and Dirtier Minds - A Nautical Theme

Australian Friend's foray into the world of nautically themed toilets:

HTFU - A Journey through an Australian Dunny
Another email we received with a forceful, festive intro:
We Go Underground

We philosophise on why our friends spend so much time and effort sending us shit:
Rumours, a Teaser, and More Epistolary Action (With Useful Facts about Everyone's Favourite Toilet Country)
All previous posts from German Friend:
German Friend

Rumours, a Teaser, and More Epistolary Action (With Useful Facts about Everyone's Favourite Toilet Country)

There have been rumours. The usual whispers of a nameless fear growing in the East, of course, but apart from that, also rumours of a really good and colourful toilet on Jutland. We've sat on this picture from Danish Friend's Danish Dad  for some time now, having titillatingly hinted at the existence of it once or twice but not actually having had the grace to dish up the goods till now.

Anyhow, here's how exciting things get when we hear rumours of toilets of which nobody's actually taken a photo, but which Danish people are deeply committed to finding on the internet. Intellectual Friend says:

And also this teaser, a pre-glimpse of that artistically painted men's toilet which Danish Friend's Danish Dad knows about. It's apparently the only photo findable online, so it cries out for a photographic mission up there by some Privy Counsel representative, or accredited special envoy, to be organised in the near future!

The toilet that Danish Friend's Danish Dad mentioned.
Image from sfrkro.dk

Having always argued that Denmark is everyone's favourite toilet country, we're delighted to be able to show you this gem of a picture!

We've been having a semi-literary conversation with Semi-Intellectual Friend (read his latest semi-intellectual contribution here!) lately, about our friends' contributions to everyone's favourite toilet blog. We went remarkably soppy at one point and blurted out, in a torrent of commas, that:

We find it thrilling that our friends are so intelligent and write such eloquent, witty, and, damn it, what's the word? voluble, or even grandiloquent, maybe, emails about, of all things, toilets, just to humour us.

Semi-Intellectual Friend promptly replied that:

I'm not sure why so many people are so willing to give up their free time just to message you - sometimes it can take aaaaages to write emails to you (I wrote a whole lot of other rubbish even just in this one, but deleted it as it fell well below the required standard).

Semi-Intellectual Friend also seems to believe that we at the Privy Counsel enjoy some sort of special divine grace due to being honoured with toilet (and, we hasten to add, other) communications from Intellectual Friend, everyone's favourite mythical being (read about Intellectual Friend's mythical status here). On being asked why he doesn't just ask Intellectual Friend how he is himself, rather than incessantly seeking this information from us, Semi-Intellectual Friend replied:

As if I could just go and email [Intellectual Friend]. Are you mental? I need to ritually bathe myself, clad myself in the finest druidic underwear and face the Northeast just to think such a thought.

Anyway. All this is by the by. Sallingslund Færgekro. Go and visit it! Enjoy the toilets.

We've got some more pictures for you to enjoy:

Danish people - aren't they delightful!
Image from sfkro.dk.

"Vaj nu, Dannebrog, på voven" - possibly our favourite song!
Image from smalldanishhotels.dk.

We simply CANNOT GET ENOUGH of Danish people!
Image from morsmobil.dk.

Danes: so goddamn adorable!
Image from smalldanishhotels.com.

Wouldn't be a proper blog post without a festive video, would it?

We imagine this might be useful to Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend, who is committed to learning to speak Swedish with an Indian accent.

Sallingslund Færgekro
Sallingsundvej 104, Sallingsund
7900 Nykøbing Mors

http://www.sfkro.dk/

Related Reading
The Spirit of Christmas: Mixer Taps, Urinals, Relief 
Christmas 2013: Shetland Shithouses Part II. Umm, Poetry in Motion?
Rampant Titillation - Basically, a Real-Life Epistolary Novel!
A Charming Domestic Vignette from Intellectual Friend, and Musings on Intellectual Safety
Danish Friend's and Intellectual Friend's wedding, at which Danish Friend's Danish Dad did a lovely and amusing speech:
Hwæt! For Better Or for Worse, Whether There Is a Toilet-Roll Holder Or Not, Etc.

Rampant Titillation - Basically, a Real-Life Epistolary Novel!

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. It seems there is simply no limit to how communicative our friends can get. We've been publishing a fair amount of Intellectual friend's musings on life, the universe, and toilet doors - always gratefully received due to their unrestrained intelligence, wit, and keen understanding of all things toilet-related - recently, and what do you know? Semi-Intellectual Friend has just dispatched a massive missive about wedding toilets!

We've been busy as, well, beavers, lately and, due to a combination of a rather solid workload and an increasingly severe obsession with Richard Armitage, we have found it a challenge to maintain our usually rigid blogging standards. Hampered in our endeavour to provide our regular readers with the edification and amusement we know they eagerly crave, we've been scratching our metaphorical beards, hoping for a long email containing amusing photos, in order to be able to pass it off as original material and save ourselves time. Well, sometimes, apparently, prayers are answered.

For layout reasons we're interspersing Semi-Intellectual Friend's drunken toilet photos in the text,
even though they're not explained till quite a bit further down.
That's a pretty weird urinal, huh?

In fact, dear readers, you are in luck. The above-mentioned solid workload and Richard Armitage obsession render us, as we have mentioned, permanently pressed for time. We simply cannot be arsed editing Semi-Intellectual Friend's message, meaning that we are going to just reproduce it as it appeared in our inbox. And, what's more, you get our replies as well! This is, basically, an epistolary novel - right up there with Les Liaisons Dangereuses and Lady Susan!

Semi-Intellectual Friend: I have photographs for the Counsel team. I'll get them to you soon I promise. Important photos. Probably life-changing. 

The Privy Counsellor: Look forward to the life-changing photos. Do they, by any chance, incorporate Richard Armitage? No worries if not, but it would be great if they did. 

No Richard Armitage in sight, alas.
There is, however, an encouraging - if empty - beer glass. 

Semi-Intellectual Friend: I do have a crapload of drunkenly-taken wedding toilet photos (is this actually one of the key genres of toilet photos these days?). To be honest, the toilets were pretty unremarkable – just your bog-standard two toilets and a bunch of urinals set-up (sorry, pun unintentional – though is it even a pun in this case?), but the choice of paper or cloth towel was a nice touch, as was the availability of hand moisturiser, which is a product that a nice lady who was trying to flog hand moisturiser down the mall told me off for never having used before. And I still haven't used any because real men have hands that are as cracked and tough as the floor of the Gobi if it was made from leather. 

Really, there are two reasons for a wee photo or two of these toilets (again, not on purpose): the very literally conceived toilet art (blurrily captured in the photos – they were classy sketches) and the super-weird urinals, which had a big step right in front of them. No-one really knew how to deal with that. To step up or pee from a distance? I think most of the users just saw it as a chance to show off and opted for distance, usually standing further back than was really necessary to demonstrate their range and power. I did have an entire conversation with a guy about the step while he was peeing, but as he was looking at me constantly while holding his penis in one of his hands I felt too uncomfortable to actually take in any of what he was saying. I think he was saying that they troubled him too. Anyway, nice toilets. 

Maybe you should set up a guest scoring system, separate from your own. But ridiculous, obviously, to ensure that all those who are not full members of the Privy Counsel are suitably belittled and aware of their low station. I'm not feeling very creative at the moment but, hmm, like, I award the above male water closet the score of Tesco's Finest 100% recycled toilet paper (possibly not a thing), though I know it probably read more like a Toilet Duck Fresh Gel Discs Lavender.

Toilet art.

That guy did have great technique. In fairness. 

And you really don't have to post what I said verbatim, if it ever goes on the site. Feel free to express what I said in your own inimitable style. And that second paragraph really wasn't part of the review, if you do put it on your website in any form. If it was, I would have spent more time thinking about a suitably shite scoring system. 

Irish toilet art.

The Privy Counsellor: ZOMG. That's amazing! Just what we need - as we've just said in the blog post we're writing, not very successfully due to getting distracted by photos of Richard Armitage, so to speak at the time of writing, our obsession with Richard Armitage renders us intellectually handicapped and differently abled to write blog posts that reach the stringent standards of intellectualism which the Privy Counsel, believe it or not, usually strives to uphold.
We've been praying for a long rambling Friend post with pictures and - GADZOOKS, EGAD - an alternative scoring system! The mind boggles! is this a new toilet-blog paradigm in the making?

Just one question: Where was the wedding? And yes, wedding toilets are totally a separate category, though we've never had Friend Toilet Photos before, so - GORBLIMEY - this is, like, totally revolutionary!!! 

Hang on, we think [Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend] just sent us more pictures of Richard Armitage...

Oh. It was a picture of Eoin McLove. *goes back to looking at Richard Armitage fan blogs* 

All good things come in threes?

Semi-Intellectual Friend: "I smell wee!" Timeless classic. 

The wedding was in Rathmullan House, a cunningly named hotel in Rathmullan, county Donegal. It was actually awesome. My uncle not only had the good sense and decency to make me one of his best men (a post I qualify for through interpersonal skills and latent Scrabble skills [well, I assume they're latent; not having played much Scrabble I'm not too sure, but I expect them to pop right out when the world finally gets up the confidence to challenge me to a game]), but he also hired out the entire hotel, which enabled everyone to get blind drunk in peace.

I fully expect your harnessing of the alternative scoring system to raise toilet-blogging to new heights, as a genre, pastime and formative new-world ideology.

The Privy Counsellor: Wedding sounds like it was really good, though we have a sneaking suspicion that you mentioned Scrabble just to annoy us.

Semi-Intellectual Friend: Re: Scrabble. I only do most things to annoy you. Even when you're not around (admittedly, almost always), I'm doing things like preferring hand dryers over recycled paper towels in the hopes that the negative impact of such an act will be chain-reactioned through all the atoms of our existence and push a small stone into your shoe when you're running, just at the exact moment your foot hits the ground (yeah! that was me). 

I'm such a fool. I can hear my friends in the next room having a discussion about how Luxembourg's toilet rolls are the best in the world and I'm in here trying to understand the semantics of the name Thor in Iceland, a subject I am totally unequipped to consider.

Apparently you can just flush them or something. They're exceptionally biodegradable.

Ireland: A place of eerie, haunting beauty.

As regular readers will know, wedding toilet pictures are totally a sub-genre. Check out ours here: Weddings.

Somehow we feel like we should end this mind-bogglingly excellent post with a festive video.

Festive video: Mitchell and Webb, Posh Dancing

Related Reading

(Don't) Aim for the Stars

HTFU: A Journey Through an Australian Dunny

Hwæt! For Better Or for Worse, Whether There Is a Toilet-Roll Holder Or Not, Etc.

A Charming Domestic Vignette from Intellectual Friend, and Musings on Intellectual Safety
AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AIR-DRYERS!