Graffiti in Everyone's Favourite Toilet Country

Our recent post from Denmark, Everyone's Favourite Toilet Country, whetted our appetite for more. Quite a few of our experiences in Denmark have been hangover-related, and considering we're in rather a rotten state today, we thought another Danish post would be appropriate. As we mentioned a little while ago, we have been known to drink champagne (among other things) with certain French people of our acquaintance, and we had the very great fortune to be able to indulge this penchant again this summer. The Privy Counsel and aforementioned French people stayed in a flat in Copenhagen's trendy Nørrebro area. Imagine our delight when we found this totally awesome bathroom!

Danish people have a flair for tiny but awesome bathrooms.

The shower, unfortunately, didn't work.
But it's nice to look at, n'est-ce pas?

Totally awesome graffiti

"Fuck yeah" is rather a favourite motto of ours.

Lovely soap and mixer tap!

Drunken Danish ramblings.

We do enjoy a good Sator square.

We couldn't have put it better ourselves.

This is where we'd normally finish on a pun or amusing quip of some kind, but we're just too hungover. Undskyld.

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Det lille Apotek: Big Beers and Small Toilets in Everyone's Favourite Toilet Country

Tømmermænd at Café Jorden, or, Sleepless in Aarhus, or, Fear and Loathing in Jutland

We Basically Haven't Slept Since Wednesday

In Which We Indulge in Poetry and Out-of-Context French Expressions

Those French People Are Crazy!

A Fine Example of Practical Danish Design

Caitlin Moran: Our Favourite Non-Toilet-Related Person!

Imagine our delight when our favourite ever non-toilet-related person, Caitlin Moran, came to Everyone's Favourite Toilet Country (i.e. Denmark)! We were immensely excited when we strode into the toilets in Denmark's Royal Library, thinking, "What if CatMo is IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!" Of course she wasn't, but it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless. (No doubt they have lovely bogs in the VIP area backstage. Maybe one day we can get Caitlin to tell us all about them.) 

It is our very great pleasure to present to our readers these pictures of the toilets in the building where Caitlin gave a talk on feminism! There were quite a few people milling around in the toilets, hoping to catch a glimpse of CatMo, so we didn't get to snap the taps. We're sure you understand. In case you're really curious, they were motion-sensor mixer-taps. The soap was quite nice, and there were energy-saving air dryers. Like these ones.

Very safe and normal Danish toilet. Bog roll on the floor isn't what you'd expect
in a Royal Library, but not even Denmark is totally predictable.

A slightly more avant-garde angle. Plenty of toilet roll!

GAAAAAH! Why the gap? Why would you do this?
Where is the privacy when there's a giant gap under the door?
Don't the people at the Royal Library know that we are rampantly paranoid???

The height of happiness:
Being told by CatMo that one has "old lady hair"!
We also got free chocolate at the event. #win

We find Caitlin Moran's hair, eyeliner and use of capital letters tremendously inspirational. Luckily for all our regular fans, you can enjoy watching her being fabulous, too! Check out the video:

Sheer joy: Caitlin Moran talking!
(That's the Privy Counsel representative laughing louder than everyone else in the background.
Paranoia and discretion are two different things.)

Now go get some bread and cheese, and ponder the Marxist-feminist dialectic which brings all the boys to the yard!

Special thanks to Australian Friend for sending us the link about this momentous event!

Related Reading

Joy in the Morning, Afternoon, and Well into the Night: Caitlin Moran in a Bathroom

Previous Posts About Denmark, Everyone's Favourite Toilet Country

Previous Posts About Gender Equality

One of our favourite posts ever: Sisters Standing up for Themselves

Feminism and toilets: Why the World Needs Better Loos (New Statesman article) 

PooPourri - The Paranoia Reaches Epic Levels

Strike us pink with a towel soaked in brandy, but we receive a lot of fizzling, gung-ho correspondence! Hark to our latest missive from Tudor Friend:

Someone posted this on Facebook and it wasn't you. Therefore, I had to send it! I haven't looked into whether or not it's real - I'll leave that to the intrepid Privy Counsel! - but it's almost funnier if it isn't.... If it's real, I'm mildly disturbed!

What could possibly have made Tudor Friend "mildly disturbed", you wonder, suspiciously. Why, this very, umm... Well. This advertisement.

Does one despair, even more than usual, at the state of humanity, when such a product is deemed necessary? One does. Also, one wonders what the hell it contains, and suspects that, like the various kinds of horrifying scented toilet paper, it ain't exactly planet-friendly. As regular readers are aware, we can get quite rampant on the subject of unnecessary chemicals (read previous rants here, here, and here). Having endured more science classes in our youth than is compatible with health and sanity, we had a shrewd suspicion that this concoction is oil-based, with some kind of scent to make it appeal to gullible proles. And we were probably more or less spot-on, at least according to the other paranoid nerds we consulted.

If Eau de Dairy Farm isn't your thing, help is at hand.
Image: Youtube.

We reckon that, if you were really anxious about smells emanating from the toilet, you could get yourself a spray-bottle with olive oil and maybe a few drops of lavender oil, and get much the same effect, but cheaper. Alternatively, you could adopt the approach of the grandfather of one of the Council's members, who claimed vehemently and memorably that "a shithouse should smell like a shithouse". We reckon that's as much sense as we're going to make out of this topic.

Oh, and by the way, it is a real product. Here's the website. You can follow it on Twitter and everything.

We're off to throw ourselves out the nearest window.

Related Reading
If You Enjoy Ludicrous and Unnecessary Products, Don't Forget to Get Your Andrex Shea-Butter Knickers
Roaring Good Roman Fun (because we find ourselves in danger of getting depressed, and fancied some fun and comparatively normal reading)
A Calamitous and Inflammatory Blend of Toilet Paper and History
Highlights from Our Correspondence
Ventilation: Getting Fresh? (about chemicals in air-fresheners)

Highlights from Our Correspondence

We are blessed with having many friends here at the Privy Counsel, and said friends every now and then dispatch exuberant missives to us, to our (and your) great delight and edification. Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend, for instance, sent us the article about the woman suffering from a fear toilet rolls, which we tweeted hilariously about from our extraordinarily informative and witty Twitter account. The same friend also sent us the amusing article about Swedish politicians ordering men to wee sitting down, citing, apart from reasons of hygiene and prostate health, the argument that this will lead to a better sex life. Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend says, on this subject:

Hmm, but the thing is a lot of toilet seats in men's toilets you wouldn't want to sit down on (covered in wee, pubic hair and god knows what else!). Although Sweden's toilets are a LOT better than UK ones generally for this so maybe I can start a revolution. Really intrigued to see how it improves one's sex life! Prostate I can sort of believe but, unless you're having sex whilst peeing, I have no idea how this would be achieved!

And, on the topic of toilet roll phobia:

Digital Spy is what I use for all my Emmerdale gossip!!! The "odd news" section this article is in seems particularly addictive though - see the related article for the lady scared of uncovered toilet rolls! I thought of you!

[After we insisted on being a) not a lady, and b) not scared of uncovered toilet rolls, more wary:]

Yes, I meant not that you were like said lady but that you could probably identify with her on some level. I can see the Metro headline now: "[The Privy Counsel] troubled but NOT SCARED by uncovered toilet rolls!"

Bog rolls can be scary for many reasons.
Image from callprobest.com.

We have received similar communications from Semi-Intellectual Friend. It turns out that when it comes to toilets, Prince Charles... But it is almost too perverse to repeat. You'd better have a read yourselves, in this article from Wales Online.

The same, famously semi-intellectual, friend also sent us, in a fit of generosity we still haven't quite figured out how to handle the diplomatic repercussions of, a link to a video with most laudable sentiments about toilet roll. Watch from 20:33:

Festive video: Room 101 S13E08 HD

We couldn't agree more! Everyone knows there's a right way and a wrong way to hang toilet roll!

Related Reading

Previous Obsessive Emmerdale Fan Friend Posts

Previous Semi-Intellectual Friend Posts
More Royal Toilet News (We know you want it!)

Posts Related to OCD

Czech Mate (Yeah, Yeah, We Know, Sorry)

A friend of ours, who's a) Czech, and b) plumbing-aware, sent us these gorgeous photos from his new flat. Which is located, would you believe it, in Leeds! (The city of Leeds seems to have become rather notorious recently - see our last post on the last Great British bachelor.) Our first reaction when we saw the pictures, and we're genuinely not shitting you here, was "ZOMG, is that a genuine functioning ventilation unit???" And it was! (If you're like us and functioning ventilation units make you all weak in the knees, check out what Mr Smith is packing!) Czech Mate also says, "On the left, behind the door, is a loo with a tank built in to the wall and another massive mirror, so you can see yourself an infinite number of times if you're at the right angle". We're actually glad that we haven't seen this toilet in the flesh, as we're not at all convinced that we'd be able to contain our excitement.

Woof! We can't see the tap, but considering
the one in the bath is a mixer one, we're assuming
the one in the sink is, too.

One can indeed, if one is so inclined, see oneself an infinite number of times!
One can still not, however, see the tap in the sink.
A fact which makes one quite disappointed, to be honest.
Unless of course it's one of those vile non-mixer taps.
In which case one is immensely relieved.

We have been specially instructed to point out the bathroom scales, which recline elegantly on a kind of pedestal. Czech mate says, "You've got to have style, and how a man takes care of his scales is important, of course". We couldn't agree more.

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Jonny and a Public Toilet - A Treat for Single Ladies

Single ladies, hold on to your hats and strap on your girdles - here's a special, potent treat just for you! We have mentioned our friend Jonny once or twice, seldom without admiration. This guy is, as everyone who knows him agrees, graceful of limb and vigorous of intellect, and is an enthusiastic toilet photographer to boot! If that's not the definition of "a spanking good catch", we don't know what is. Frankly, we advise you to grab him while he's still available! Jonny can often be observed lurking round the public toilets in the Hyde Park area of Leeds.

A lush and lively public toilet in Leeds

Artistically enhanced interior and room enough for a robust man and his tiny bike

The word "gentlemen" is here used in the loosest possible sense

Jonny and his tiny bike enjoying the toilet

Jonny's assessment of these toilets is as follows:

Cleanliness 2/10
Space 9/10
Very surprised it had toilet roll and a spare roll!!
Thought you'd appreciate the Homer sticker too.

Well, we can't argue with the thrust of the argument! A spanking indictment on the state of the modern public lavatory, springing from a virile, fertile mind!

Ladies, lose not a single moment - go forth and throw yourselves at this man!

What a man, what a man
What a mighty good man

We're inclined to agree with Salt'n'Pepa. Woof!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AIR-DRYERS!

We were just sitting here pouring whisky into our tea and pondering the nature of the Universe ("fucked" was the general consensus) when it arrived - wham! bam! thank you, ma'am! Like a gun fight in a Clint Eastwood movie: not entirely unexpected, but featuring plenty of tense moments and squinting. In other words, we received an email from Tudor Friend, with pictures of air dryers!

First of all, let's revisit a video from a previous post:

Sheldon's petulant rant pretty much sums up our view of hand dryers. We've read enough accounts of the ravages of the bubonic plague to have developed a special, fenced-off area in our mind with a large sign planted in the grass saying, "DANGER: PLAGUE. YOU CATCH IT OFF DIRTY PEOPLE WHO SNEEZE INTO THEIR HANDS". We don't like other people, as a rule, and we like other people's diseases even less.

Now, let's hear what Tudor Friend has to say!

If this comes through - and I'm not holding my breath - it is, theoretically, pictures from my recent trip to Cornwall. My mum is obsessed with all things gardening, so we went to Eden Project, the big geodesic domes of rain forest and Mediterranean climate plants. Since its whole raison d'etre is promoting ecological awareness and responsibility, I was not entirely surprised to find that its bathroom held a Wall O' Hand-driers, running from the least environmentally friendly to the most. And what did my brain immediately say? "[The Privy Counsel!]" of course! (If I ever have to do a Rorschach or one of those associative games, you have officially buggered up some psych researcher's results!) So I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to photograph them, hampered by the fact that it was school hols, so there were *tons* of people, spawn in tow, there... And every single brat had to try every. Single. Drier. So the photos are a bit blurred, as I'm trying to shoot them over running-around-rodentia (who are not on leashes but should be). Hopefully they came out all right, and the information panels are legible enough to be read!

In our more militant moments we also believe that society would be immeasurably improved if more children were kept on leashes, but that's not the subject of today's blog post. Enough ranting, and let us see the pictures! we hear you bellow, and quite justifiably. Right-ho:

The different kinds of dryers in the Eden Project toilets

Extolling the virtues of the eco-friendly ones

We've mentioned the Dyson once or twice before

Is it just our dirty minds, or does the Biodrier logo look like the Durex one?

So are the eco-friendly air-dryers really better than paper towels? Well, it depends on how you look at it. Slate tells us that:

The vast majority of a dryer's environmental toll stems from the electricity it requires; a typical warm-air dryer uses around 2,200 watts of power when switched on, plus about 2 watts while in standby mode. If you dry your hands for 30 seconds (as opposed to the 43 seconds required to get them fully water-free), then you're using about 0.018 kilowatt-hours of electricity. Do that three times a day for a year, and your insistence on dry-hand decorum has run you 19.71 kWh of electricity, which translates into roughly 26.61 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions.

The informative text continues:

These complications, however, pale in comparison with those that bedevil the life-cycle assessment of paper towels. The main problem here is that there's so much variation in how rolls are produced, starting with how the trees are harvested. The vast majority of American paper towels begin life in well-managed commercial timberlands, where trees are replaced after harvest, so deforestation isn't a pressing issue. But one must account for the fossil fuels expended on machinery and log transport. Then there is the energy-intensiveness of the pulping process, which can result in the emission of harmful pollutants into nearby waterways. One must also consider the cost of trucking the towels from manufacturer to client, a data point that will vary widely according to the restroom's distance from the paper mill.

Then there's the hygiene aspect. There are plenty of articles on the inter-ma-net quoting figures on exactly how efficient air-dryers are at spraying you with bacteria (sign in head: "OTHER PEOPLE'S BACTERIA"), but we'll stick to the non-sensationalist attitude of that confidence-inspiring organisation, the NHS, which says, quoting the original study cited by a sensation-seeking newspaper:

This review suggests that paper towels are the best option for settings where containing infections is critical, and may be more effective than hot air dryers. However, if you have no choice – as is the case in most public toilets and workplace washrooms – and only hot air dryers are provided, take extra time to dry your hands thoroughly. There is little evidence that they are any worse than hand towels, other than the extra time spent drying your hands.

(Refresh your memory of how to wash your hands, NHS-style, here.)

But we WANT sensationalism, we hear you cry. Alright, then. Hold onto your hats and whisky glasses. According to one study, blowing hot air on your hands can "increase the number of germs by an astonishing 255 per cent".

255 per cent. Fucking hell. If you must sneeze in our presence, please, for the love of all the things that make life worth living - alcohol, cheese, and Youtube clips of people falling on their arses - do it into a hanky, or your sleeve. And wash your hands. Also, and here's a piece of gratis health advice from your favourite Counsel: You can never use too much garlic. Or whisky. Hic.

Handwashing. Here's how we do it.


Related Reading
Handwashing Extravaganza
A Semi-Intellectual Treat
Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Toilet-Roll Holders (But Were Afraid to Ask)
Worcester Cathedral - Revisiting Sacred Ground
How Clean Is Your Phone?
Laudable hygiene awareness at the University of York:
Let's Get Medieval: The King's Manor


One final treat: a cheerful hand-washing demonstration (incorporating, we note, the advice "dry your hands with a paper towel").